- 8 degrees below

Oak Tree, Snowstorm, Yosemite National Park, California, 1948
Photograph by Ansel Adams


I love Ansel Adams. I do not know what it is about his photographs but I feel calm when I look at them. I love black and white photos as well. And most people that know me, know I have a weird thing for trees. I really don't know what it is about them but trees make me happy. I take pictures of them all the time. There is something about how they branch out and grow wild that I love.

You want to know something that does not make me happy? Fucking -8 degree temperatures with the wind chill. Excuse my potty mouth, but I am pretty amazed that I have kept it tame on this blog. (My favorite thing someone once told me about myself is that I could offend a sailor with my mouth) But for real... it is FUCKING cold. I am bundled up like no one's business. I have leggings, leg warmers, knee socks, my pants, a long sleeve shirt, a thick sweater, my coat, gloves, hat and scarf on and all I want is my blanket, River and the dogs. I want to hibernate. That would be lovely. And drink hot chocolate all day long. And catch up on all the movies that I have been meaning to watch. Sigh.

Let it Snow!

Taken on my very cold and snowy walk to the light rail station yesterday. As the snow came down on a slant in my face. All this snow has put me in a festive mood... well almost. I enjoyed watching my puppy experience his first snow, running around and going crazy. He loves this weather... just goes to prove that I really do believe he is part mountain dog. It was a lovely evening to stay home, read, write, listen to music and drink hot chocolate with vanilla marshmallows... and that's exactly what I did. River had to work but I enjoyed the quiet LOL.


These are my brats... they get tired after all the excitement. What a life. That is Trooper, my beagle, farther from the front and Max, my almost 10 month old puppy mutt in your face. I love them... LOVE them. My little family is complete now that Max has joined us. Even if he does follow me EVERYWHERE, like a little canine train. And knocks everything over because he does not realize that his tail is attached to his ass... which he continues to chase and bite like an idiot. Sigh... they are my <3.

I feel like I am having a skinny day today. Which is quite nice if I do say so myself. Now I return to work. More later

Oh... the weather outside is frightful...

Well, not so much today but you get the point. A lovely photo from outside Cassie's house the other night with a bit of snow on it. Tis the season once again, for weather advisories, storm watches, cleaning my car off and inches upon inches of white powder that turns into brown slush. Why do I still live here? OH that's right, we are in a recession and I cannot afford to move! Almost forgot, til I look at the bank statement. HaHa.

It has been quite some time since I was last here. I have been busy. River and I finally had our housewarming party and it was a blast. Lots of cheese, wine, chips, rockband and good friends. Lots of laughter, warmth, bad singing and love! It was a perfect evening.

I still need to learn to breathe, or maybe I just really need to get into some good therapy. The blue pills only do so much when they are on their own.

Went to the mall the other night. I believe that some stores, or all stores, for that matter need to hire someone to just be honest with people. I would take that job... I would make people cry but still. There was an older gentleman at one of the stores I was wandering around in. Yes I know that I do not have the greatest fashion sense, nor am I that kind of girl that cares, but I know what looks right on people. I am not blind nor stupid. I digress- back to the man: He was trying on something that looked like a bomber jacket. He was obviously going through a mid-life thing, as evidenced by his tight jeans and "hip" shirt. He was in this bomber jacket and I just kind of wanted to put my hand on his shoulder and let him have it. Or actually just tell him to put it back cus it would never work in the end for him. There will be no young lady parts all over him in that outfit - well if he whips out cash money then maybe. But in that outfit-no sirree bob. I think this is a service all stores should provide - like when the fat girls buy clothes that are 2 sizes too small, you know in situations like that. Enough of this topic LOL... I'm going to hell.

And I'm off like a prom dress...

Another day...

another dollar. Or so they tell me. Anyways... had a good night last night. Hung out and ate with Cassie at my old restaurant. Good times. The food is always freaking delicious and the company was fantastic, thank you Cassie, Siouxsie and Brian. Love these folks. I had a delicious anjou pear salad and pumpkin tortellini, melts in your mouth I tell you! Cassie had the eggplant bruschetta and seared sea scallops with creamed corn and oranges. Yummy stuff. Then I hung out with a friend for a few hours. That was fun times. It's been a long time since I have laughed so hard for so long with another person. I find it to be awesome that I can connect with someone on a level like that.

In other things, vegetarianism is going as well as can be I guess. I had a piece of turkey on Thanksgiving, just had to. And I had some chicken nuggets in a moment of starvation. But other than that it has been all veggie! I really need to read some of my books on being veg the healthy way, but my reading list is quite long right now. And I have been sucked into the 4th book of the Twilight series. Damn books, not even that great but I just can't put them down.

Facebook has connected me with some people I haven't heard from in years, very interesting talking to certain people. I think it's the little blue pills, cus normally I have no desire to talk to anyone ever. But the blue pills make me happy, well neutral, I don't really know happy. Happy is a relative term in my life. Like meeting Dave Navarro that was a happy time (that was a sexy, good happy time) but most everything else in life is just there. I am not one to find the silver lining in things, but recently I have been the one passing on the optimism. I can never stop taking these pills. NEVER.

I am trying to find online courses or interesting writing projects. I would like to pick up my writing again. I bought another journal the other day *holds out hand so Cassie can smack it again* and have been writing in it. I have a thing for journals. Sometimes they just speak to me and I have to own them... but most of the time I never use them! I'm retarded. But I saw a new one at Barnes and just had to have it. So I have been using it and it is going well so far. But that is just all the personal stuff that I don't want the world to know about. I want something to test my ability, make me have to think and come up with something creatively. I haven't written in a very long time. I start and stop constantly and never go back.... Hmmmm... must find something.

Alright... time for me to leave work and head home. Much to do this evening. And a killer headache, we had the carpet cleaned at the office this morning and the smell of the chemicals is hurting my head immensely. Good night blog world.

December...

is upon us, already. I cannot believe how fast the time has flown this year. Seems crazy, but every year goes faster. The holiday was a good time. The in-laws have officially moved to Florida, sad but at the same time exciting. For the first time in 5 years, River and I live together. None of his family, in an apartment to ourselves and the pups. It has been fantastic so far. We finished the kitchen on Friday, it looks good. Functional and much larger without all the crap in the way. The whole apartment is coming along nicely. It will serve its purpose. And when the weather gets warmer, I will make the backyard wonderful too!

So... my goal this week is to stay away from the phone. I will not call or text this person, if they want to talk to me then they can get in touch with me. I must follow through. And I must write and write a lot because then my mind will be clear of all the crap that is currently running through it. And hopefully I will be able to sleep without medical intervention. Omg, I cannot wait to take some sleep medication this evening. At like 8pm LOL. I really just want to sleep. Think I will go home and take a nap during my break as well. Gotta pick up the happy blue pills today. Which I do believe are working quite nicely. I haven't had a "dark" day in awhile. And what would usually push me over the edge has not affected me as much.

I wish I had more interesting things to talk about but I do not. Now I must return to work.

It's not even Thanksgiving...

I was in Dunkin Donuts this morning getting my daily hot chocolate and what is on the effing speakers? Christmas music. Are you for real? And they brought out fresh donuts... in red, green and white. I hate Christmas, I have for many years. MANY years. And this is overkill. I mean in the stores, Christmas stuff was up before Halloween even happened and now the music. There should be rules. No Christmas shat until December 1st. Freaking aye. If I had my way, Christmas stuff would start on Dec 15 and end exactly at midnight Dec 26. I think that is generous almost 2 weeks, cus I would really like it if Christmas wasn't the big deal that people make it out to be. Lame sauce.

Anyways, I fudgesicled up my knee. So the doc fixed it. I have never felt pain like that. And today it is a lovely shade of red and purple. Fabulous. Hurts to walk, but that is to be expected. Will spend the rest of the weekend icing and maybe in my brace. Freaking aye to that as well.

Can I just tell you that I hate people that can't let shit die? Dumb jock? Really? Wow... I find it super interesting that others have not caught on to this snide, childish shit. That is more lame sauce. Super lame sauce. Karma is coming.

Had an interesting evening last night. Hung out with someone that I probably shouldn't. He had been drinking. I believe that I was his ride for the evening, cus it was cold out. And hell if I had someone who was that nice in my life, well I would do it too. And then after I dropped him off, he drunk dialed, but I was not the person he meant to drunk dial. I guess my name starting with a K and her name starting with an L, is hard to figure out when you've had too much to drink. Stupid kid. Man, I'm mad at myself for all the shit I've put myself through with him. Eff that kid.

I need to get my shit together and get fucking motivated. It is time to take charge of life and do what I have to do. I want to be making a ton of money and the opportunity has presented itself. Now is the time to do that. So that is the plan for the rest of the day. Woohoo!

Damn you ABC...

So today I'm on aol reading some news articles and what do I see? ABC has canceled Dirty, Sexy Money. I LOVE that show. LOVE it, I say. ABC, have you seen the quality of Grey's Anatomy? I mean I adore Grey's but the storyline SUCKS. Seriously, Denny? Again? And you kick off the lesbian relationship, yet you state that Callie is still a lesbian... not so much if she is still boning men in the on-call room. Ridiculous. Lame sauce... for reals. Keep Dirty, Sexy Money... please?

In other news, who am I kidding? There isn't much other news. River's dad flew in on Wednesday so right now both his parents are living with us. LOL. A little insane and tense but getting through it. They will leave on Black Friday for Florida. And then River and I will live with our two dogs... all alone. Thank something.

Life is confusing, my heart is at war with my mind. But that is not for this blog or for the world to know about. Sigh.

Sam is home! For the next 3 weeks. Fantastic good time. I am going to miss him when he has to ship out to Virginia and he leaves on the destroyer. Please keep him safe.

Hmmm...

I could use a nap. I could always use a nap. Today I get to meet Sam at the mall, buy a few things for a birthday and go sign up for kickboxing classes with Sam. Exciting, yes I know. Then he gets to see how big the puppy has gotten and my new apartment! Which by the way, looks much bigger now that all the freaking boxes are emptied. Time for things to go on the walls and to finish the backyard. Then we will be pretty much set. Next week, his dad comes back for about 8 days. Then the parental units head on down to Florida together! River, me and our two dogs will finally live on our own without parental interference. Crazy. Very crazy. Until then, we will be with both of them, my apartment seems very small with all these people in it. Kind of like a cage... but that is for another time and discussion.

River and I did some talking last night and hopefully good things will come from it. OMG, I am tired. And I have cramps, I know you all want to hear about my cramps, but shat they hurt. Stupid broken lady parts. I need a second job... why did I leave the one I had, oh yeah I hated it there. But now I really need a second one. However, if I start school in January that will kind of be useless now won't it? Much to think about. Many things to do.

I have no idea why I started blogging today. I'm giving up now. Goodbye.

Having a fat day...

Today I am feeling huge LOL... Don't know what it is but I just feel gross today. Anyways, I have such a long list of things to do and I really need to get on it. Tonight I would like to finish up with the last 4 boxes we have in the kitchen. It would be nice to be officially unpacked. Finally. Would also like to organize the kitchen a little better. I'm excited to finally use the freaking kitchen. We are learning how to maximize a small space to our advantage. Went food shopping last night, the mom-in-law stocked the fridge very generously.

So on Sunday I pretty much woke up and decided I was done with meat. I don't know if it will continue or how I will do at it, but vegetarianism here I come. So it has officially been 5 days, not much to be excited about but I'm proud of myself. River even told me that I should become a vegetarian, which was weird. I guess I'm more of a pescetarian actually. I like fish and seafood. But red meat and chicken, not so much. It is time. Though I did get an earful from mom-in-law about how it's not healthy and I need animal fat, but that thought makes me shudder. I don't know I just like animals way too much and can't think about eating them anymore. I need to get healthy, for real.

My brother is home on leave. Or he should be I have not heard from him since the day before he was scheduled to leave. Man I miss that kid. He is here for 25 days, thank something. It will be an awesome 25 days, tattoo, Thanksgiving and just having him around again! Sigh, makes me sad when he is not around. Too far away for my sanity. What else is there to talk about? Not much... still completely confused by a certain person in my life, but that is talk for the other blog. Not talk for here. I will just leave it as I am super glad and happy that this person is back in my life and it will be interesting to see where the hell it goes.

Now, as usual, it is time for me to go back to working. Or blogging on the other blog LOL...

Must push on...

It's like when I keep a regular journal, I eventually fall off. I like to write in a journal but had a bad experience when I was younger that I guess keeps me from sticking to it. And now, I am falling off this one. Must keep going. I like to write the random things that come to mind now and then. And I added an app to my iphone so now I can blog on there if the need ever comes to me! Moving has been hectic, but the transition has been good. There is not that much space to sit in the living room anymore, but we will make it work. The pile of boxes is down to just a few piled up in the kitchen. It would be nice to actually use the kitchen. Need to find a fabulous first dinner in the new apartment meal. We bought 3 bookcases cus we needed more space. And once his mom leaves for Florida at the end of the month, we will have the living room space back to ourselves. We have many pictures to hang and finally my diploma will go on the wall. Very exciting I have to say, I want to display it prominently. We will also have half the bathroom back, LOL, she has taken over! Our backyard is awesome, just a bit overgrown. There is a pile of dirt in the yard that we have to take down because Max has gotten too big and I fear he will jump. This apartment is pretty freaking awesome I'm not gonna lie. And I love my orange kitchen. Now all I need to be able to do is get to it!!! HAHA

Other things in life are not so fantastic, there are a lot of questions in my head due to the reappearance of someone from many years ago. A someone that I don't want to let go. And apparently does not want to let me go. Three cheers for friendship *said dripping with sarcasm*

Now back to work, tonight I write my essay for Pacific College. Keep your fingers crossed folks that I get in and they give me money to go to school!

What an amazing day...

to be an American. I am awed and dumbstruck. Last night was amazing, just amazing. Sadly, I could barely stay awake but I was not worried that Obama would not win. What a fantastic man.

Admissions...

So, last night, as I was watching 90210... yeah I said it 90210. Judge me, you can't be a harsher critic than I am to myself. LOL. This show is awful, pure garbage. Ridiculously bad and yet I will not/cannot stop watching it. My friend and I text message each other back and forth during the whole thing about how unrealistic and stupid and bad the show is and yet every week at 8pm we are in front of the tv watching. And then last night we come to the point where we are about to give it up and the previews come on and we're sucked back in. It's a train wreck and I need to watch. I need more Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth and where the hell did Nat go? The Peach Pit was in one episode. I really need Beverly Hills 90210, 10 years later. For reals.

And then I fire up the DVR, cus I know I have stuff on there and the tv is really the only thing left in my apartment for me to keep my attention. All my books are packed. So there is My Own Worst Enemy. Interesting concept for a show, but it's pretty bad. I have found myself drifting to other thoughts when that show is on... but I watch it for one reason and one reason only. CHRISTIAN SLATER. If you don't know where "greetings and salutations" comes from, it is from Heathers. The movie with CHRISTIAN SLATER. I am a die hard Slater fan. Love the man, he can do no wrong in my eyes. And is it just me or does he not age? So yeah the show... I'm glad he is back in the spotlight a little bit, but the show needs some work. And like 90210, I will watch until both shows are cancelled.

Now a good show, Criminal Minds, that show does not disappoint. Neither does Law and Order SVU or Ugly Betty. I like tv, seems I'm a bit addicted.

Tonight is the first night in the new apartment!!! Woot!

What a weekend...

“My sorrow, when she's here with me, thinks these dark days of autumn rain are beautiful as days can be; she loves the bare, the withered tree; she walks the sodden pasture lane.” Robert Frost

This has been a hell of a weekend. I was off from work - the doctor had a bachelorette party weekend in Las Vegas. So Friday I went to Pacific College, which I have to say I was impressed with. And such an easy commute especially from my new apartment, I love my car but only spending money on gas to get to grampa's will be awesome! Public transpo here I come. Anyways back to the school, the program is one of the only ones outside of California that meets the standards for the Cali Board Exams... which means when I'm done with the program = I can work in Cali!!!! Oh thank something, for I love the thought of being able to go to Cali, I guess it helps that this school has a campus in San Diego, which at any point I can actually transfer to. Friday night was more packing and honestly, I can't remember what the hell I did that night... wow I feel old right now. Oh wait, maybe there was some moving of boxes... o yes there was!

Saturday-everything was on rain delay. River started his new job that morning and by the time he got home it was raining. So moving had to be put off. It became a super lazy day... no packing or anything, just enjoying each other's company. And he shared his head cold... so we were both miserable anyways LOL.

Sunday - yard sale that kind of sucked. And we moved most of the furniture. All we have left in the apartment is the big tv and the stand for it, the bookcase and a ton of small stuff. I thought the apartment was going to look super crowded once we moved in but everything seems to fit perfectly. The kitchen is a mess cus that is where we are storing everything for now until we can unpack stuff. Slowly but surely we will be moved in by tomorrow... tomorrow night being the night the tv moves and I believe River and I will be staying there for the first night. Got to get the dogs used to the new digs. I'm excited. Time to really go through stuff and get rid of everything I don't need. I now believe that if I find something in a box that I have not thought about then it needs to go...

Anyways... I think for now I will keep this blog going. I don't even have time for this one... how am I going to start another one? LOL

Moving

So I have been super busy. I think I might have mentioned that the move-out date for the house was moved up to basically the 30th of this month. Needless to say, things have been crazy trying to pack up the apartment. We will be having a garage sale and moving over the weekend. Our first night will probably be the 29th at the new place and the last two days of October we will be making sure the old house is clean for the new owners. Oh the fun. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. And for all the haters out there who like to talk smack about people, River is staying!!! YAY!!! He fixed up his resume, sent it out, is going on interviews, got offered a position here and is going to stay here with me and the doodles.

Not that many people come around here and read this, but I have also decided to start a blog elsewhere that I will not be advertising so that lame people cannot follow me! But if anyone would like to know it, understand it is a work in progress, I will send it to you if you ask for it! I will still be on here but probably not as much... I have not really thought through the logistics yet.

In other things, the open house for graduate school is on Friday. The application is all filled out, now I need to write a fantastic essay and have my recommendations sent along. O and all my transcripts... hmmm... I need to get on that. So maybe I will start school in January! Who knows?

Maybe I will plan an election night party so we can all get together and watch Obama win!! Oh thank something, I am tired of Mr. Negativity (McCain) and seriously how can Republicans honestly say that Palin is a good choice to take over when McCain dies, cus let us be honest - he is OLD. And at the same time it can be an apartment warming party! I'm excited to start moving in!

Now back to work...

So yeah...

The picture is of a beer offered at the Salem Brewery that River and I ate at in Salem! Thought it was fitting and quite lovely. I used to work at a restaurant where my bosses used a chalkboard to write up the weekly specials. Their work has nothing on this! It was super cool to me and I snapped a photo like a weirdo in the middle of the restaurant LOL.

So, I know that I have been a little down. I know this and I am trying extremely hard to get through it and enjoy the next few weeks like Cassie has instructed. This is not permanent and in no way is it a bad thing. At the end of the day this is probably pretty awesome for the two of us. The distance will be hard... really hard but it is what we have to do for now. He will be gone for a few months and I will be here, in an apartment like a grown up. Going to see one that looks promising tomorrow actually. We will be able to save money and pay off our debts. (freaking school loans) And I will probably start school so it isn't like I will be around very much anyways. My life will be very hectic and that is okay. I will miss him but it's not like we are breaking up... it's been over 5 years already I am sure we can make it through this like nothing. And in the mean time I will have our friends to help me get through it... man I love the Committee and all its extended members. So, I don't see this anything to do with karma or anything like that, cus in the end this is the best thing for his parents! They sold their house, they get to move to a better place and in the end River, me and our puppies will be taken care of. It can only get better. And plus, I don't think karma needs to come after us anyways! I am sad and I know there are people out there who have been visitors in my life that I'm sure are relishing in my emotional roller coaster, but that's all good. At the end of the day, I don't wish anyone that kind of pain and it is a shame that others wish it on me or even find delight in it. Living with someone for a good portion of 5 years and then having to be apart for so long is going to be a trial and a painful one but we will get through it!

So onto other things... Cassie, River and I went pumpkin picking. And wouldn't you know it my effing camera broke on Saturday night while I was taking a picture in the city. So... the pictures I have are from my phone and I will put them up later! And Cassie will send me the ones that she took and those will be included eventually. Pumpking picking was fun, the hayride, eating cider donuts, picking out fantastic pumpkins, apple cider, taking corny pictures, the farm animals... etc. Cassie loved it cus she has this deep desire to have my childhood lol. I grew up on a farm so nothing we did this weekend was new, it was just fun and brought happy memories. Cassie adored it for the excitement and new adventures. River was so-so lol. Also, got to see Uncle Wayne and Grampa briefly. We will be returning next weekend for a proper visit.

That was Sunday. Saturday night I hung with the guys in the city. We went costume shopping and out to eat. It is awesome to have such a big group of friends that can come together and just be with each other and have fun. I love them so much! Walked through the city for awhile and headed home for the excitement of Sunday.

Then, Sunday night after the pumpkins, we went to Sara Alicia's first birthday party. Jesse was kind enough to invite all of us. It was super fun, Bryan and Jesse have awesome parents. I love their mom to pieces! Sara was beautiful. Such big eyes! We all hung out at a table together, drank sangria, ate lots of food and conversed. DUH! We closed out the party all of us hanging out at that table! It was a long Sunday but wicked good stuff.

Now it is time to get down to business, find an apartment and pack our stuff up!

What a lovely day...

Oak Tree Sunset City by Ansel Adams


I enjoy Ansel Adams... took a few classes and his work always came up in the history books. And besides that I love trees. I take pictures of trees all the time... once again I will have to post some of those up as well. I always update on here when I'm at work and I have no access to my photos. Gonna have to change that!

Finished Twilight last night in my cold medicine induced haze. Went home from work and took two showers, one to unclog my ears, I did some fancy jumping up and down last night after my steam shower, but it worked! I could hear again, that was nice. Took some Benadryl, a couple Advil PM and crawled into bed. Slept for 11 hours, watched most of a Project Runway episode and slept for another 2.5 hours. Man that felt good!

So I shall be going to pick up the second book in the Twilight series tonight along with my acupuncture book. Today is looking up... I'm feeling better (just had my sinuses drained painfully by the doctor I work for) and I got some much needed sleep. I am looking forward to Sunday... PUMPKIN PICKING by grampa's farm. A hayride to the pumpkin field, then pumpkins! And many pictures to go with it! And then off to grampa's to visit. I'm excited! Hopefully the weather will hold out. We had some fantastic warm weather today in Jersey. Makes me miss California when it is this nice out!

Once again... I'm off.

A book and an update

Chill October by John Millais 1870

"So the lion fell in love with the lamb" - corny I know yet I cannot stop reading. If you don't know what I'm talking about it's Twilight the book by Stephenie Meyer. She has a lot of e's in her name. Yeah, so I held out as long as I could but I gave in to the curiosity. I understand the comparison to the Harry Potter phenomenon but in no way do these books equal each other. I'm hands down all about Harry Potter, better character development, better plot, better storyline and even though it is all about wizardry I find it more believable. Twilight jumps too far ahead at moments that it leaves me with the "yeah right" sensation. And the that's totally unbelievable feeling. Her take on vampires and the updating of the lore is interesting and I like it better than they burn up in the sun and can't control themselves. I also think this book could be longer, now you look at the book on the shelf at the bookstore and you say "wow that is a long book". Not so my friends, the font is huge. Then again I am used to reading a ton of books with small print for school, but even Harry Potter had smaller print. So, I think she could have made the print smaller and filled in some details that need to be elaborated on. I'm about halfway through and am anxious to keep going. I believe I will go buy the second book today.

I have so much to read right now... there is so much sitting on my night stand. Besides the magazines that seem to never stop arriving, I have my NAET book to finish, a book on vegetarianism and the book I need to pick up on acupuncture. So much to do!!!

I feel like crap today... my body has shut down on me with my hormone clearing. Or maybe it is just the change of weather that has me feeling like arse. I have a head cold/sinus infection and my lady of the month (which really comes every two weeks since coming off hormone treatments) is currently trying to kill me. I'm in a daze and would really like to curl up in bed with my heating pad and my doodles.

Still worried about the next few weeks, but at the end of the day what can I do? I really need to start looking for a place to stay, especially if River moves to Florida. Which in the grand scheme of things is starting to look like the best plan. Sigh. I will be super lonely with him and the doodles in Florida.

Now back to work, you can tell I'm super busy correct?

keep on, keeping on

I feel jaded, disillusioned and heartbroken. What's new right? But I am loving the cold air at night and getting to wear scarves. I am working on a Thursday 13... now all I have to do is remember to post it! I need to get on top of some of these fun themed day activities. I have so many pictures it would be nice to use some of them for fun.
I really have no desire to elaborate on how things turned out at the restaurant, except I am amused and happy to say that the new guy replacing me quit!! HAHAHA, that is fantastic.

So many things are happening in the next few weeks... it is very scary. Life will change, which is always a good thing, but the comfort zone will be in upheaval. I will be attending an open house at Pacific College for their masters program in Oriental medicine/Acupuncture. Interesting the turns that life takes. Not the plan I saw for myself but sometimes that's a good thing. Then River and I will be going to Florida with his dad to check out the area they want to move to. Then comes the BIG decisions... my heart is heavy with worry and fear. SIGH.

Keeping the theme...

I think for the rest of the month I will include a picture related to some aspect of Halloween or October. Because, to be frank, this is the BEST time of the year and I can. LOL.

Yesterday I went shopping with Cassie at Target (with the French accent please). I love the dollar bins... got myself halloween magnetic list papers, a pumpkin candle and halloween sprinkles. Fantastic! We spent something like an hour in Target just wandering and being idiots. Also got a pumpkin cake pan with 6 mini pumpkins!!! O I am too excited. I want the pumpkin cake pan from Williams Sonoma... I want to have a Halloween party. I need to get on that. This is why I want to be married on Halloween... so much fun stuff to decorate with and dressing up. HAHA... I can be a bride for Halloween. How fun! I'm like a little kid with all this stuff. I'm going everywhere the day after and buying up all the Halloween leftover specials. This is why I need to live in Salem... it's Halloween all year round... whatever my house is going to have Halloween all year round.



In other things... after much hemming and hawing I decided not to return to the restaurant. I do not need to give myself and my time to people that have no respect for me or what I did for them. And since I went to a meeting where I was made out to be the reason for everything and there was so much anger directed towards me, I feel that there is no need for me to put myself into a position that makes me more angry at the end of the night. I have to say that I feel okay about it. I love my co-workers and many of them will continue to be friends and I am extremely happy about that. In the end, I feel this is the best decision for all parties involved!

I started this blog sometime last week and got sidetracked apparently so I am just going to post it up now!

October Begins...

"October is nature's funeral month. Nature glories in death more than in life. The month of departure is more beautiful than the month of coming - October than May. Every green thin loves to die in bright colors."- Henry Ward Beecher

October has arrived. I love this month. I am not sure why I have such an attachment to this month but I am super excited it has come. I want this to be a good month cus there are some scary things going on in life right now. Things are changing all over the place and there is much to figure out. Are we staying in Jersey... or going to another state? Can't think about that right now... also can't think about the current state of my other job. Which has fallen apart and I have given my notice. And now he is spinning it that I have to do what I have to do and I'm not driven to this decision because he has failed at his job.

Anyways, yay October. The leaves will change, pumpkins and apples will be picked and Halloween will be upon us! My favorite time of the year. Every year Spring rolls around and I think maybe this is my favorite time of the year... everything is blooming, the days get warmer and the sun is shining. Well, autumn wins, I love the crisp air in the morning. I love the oranges, yellows and reds as the trees change and well pumpkins top even daffodils.

Tomorrow is the vice-presidential debate. I am really looking forward to it. I cannot wait to hear what assinine thing will come out of her mouth. Even though her voice grates on my soul to no end and makes me cringe every time I hear it... I will be front and center for tomorrow's debate.

I wish that I had enlightening things to say but I guess I am not ready to lay some things on the table or I just don't have much to say. Anyways... I might be back later... working on some stuff.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" Eleanor Roosevelt
I need to read this woman's biography. So many of her quotes apply to life. This quote keeps reoccurring in my life these days. I am tired of being made to feel inferior at my one job. It is time for me to move on. I live near Hoboken... there are a billion restaurants in this town, give or take a few. How can one judge you without even testing you? What is it about me that makes someone think that I will fail? How do you tell an employee that without giving me a chance to prove to you what I can do? Or are you just coming up with bullshit so that you don't have to give me a better position? So... when I give you my notice and your other employees are upset because you are losing someone who fits so perfectly and so competently then it will be on your head. I do not understand this management style... but then again apparently no one does. I am tired of being jerked around when there are other places where I could make good money and not have so much drama. It is a shame because I know the place I currently work would be awesome for my bank account but if the opportunity is not there then I need to move on. And it bothers me that I will not work with so many of these awesome people anymore, but what can ya do? I can't stay there and respect myself anymore. I have done that too often in the past. I can no longer stay somewhere that makes me unhappy.

At least my other job rocks my socks. We have the Arts and Music Festival coming up tomorrow which will definitely make the office busy. Extra hours, health fairs, maybe moving to a bigger office and probably going to school in the next year all to further my career and to make me a bigger asset to the office is exciting stuff.

Now I must go and work and get excited for a nap in between jobs today. Man I'm so tired and I have barely eaten in days. Something is not so right but it will pass!

The times they are a changin'

So River's parents sold their house. When all is said and done, it looks like we must be out sometime in November. So the hunting has begun and the job hunting for River has begun even more in earnest than before. If only we had the money and the ability to start it all over in California... but for now that will be put on the back burner. No other news of note in my life. Planning a return trip to Salem for the weekend before Halloween to experience all that excitement! Woot!

Wow, I have nothing to write about. Still doing the NAET treatments, I am currently clearing an allergy to Vitamin A. Feeling a little drained but all is well. I've got nothing... LoL... bye for now

A small response

Over the weekend I was informed of a blog that I should read on myspace. So I did and can someone please give me a KitKat Bar cus I need a fucking break??? He laid his cards on the table and they had victim written all over them... LAME. I will not respond to the many things that were in this blog but just know that I call shenanigans on it. After being told that the committee should go fuck themselves and then this... get over it yourself. And maybe you should stop contacting members of the "committee" if you are so done with this group of people. And if I remember correctly you are the one that brought people into your pity party. You are the one that shut your phone off to us, made an announcement about being done with everyone and then holed yourself up with the couple of the year. So all of you can take it and shove it... o how I would love to shove it for you... right up your asses. What a waste of friendship when one sucks at it, the other gives it up cus he's so pussywhipped by his first everything that his friends no longer matter and the other doesn't matter cus well she doesn't matter.

I don't care what anyone has to say about this hate filled blog... shit happens.

In other news... the weekend was fun. Besides working, Sunday I got to go to Grampa's and visit which was lovely. Then we came home and had a bunch of people come over and had a grand old committee party with bbq, Rock Band 2 and wicked good times. I finally got a 100% on vocals... on Whatcha Want by the Beastie Boys (I am as surprised as you are) and on My Sharona. WOOO! So now I take my leave of you because well I have to get running.

Just a quickie

I am meaning to put up some pictures from our weekend in Salem and I will put up a picture of my poor puppy in his E-collar. He was neutered on Monday and is super unhappy right now. Just been busy with life. Working a whole lot. I just realized that I have two days off in a row... Sunday and Monday... that is nice. Next week I go in for a bunch of tests and doctor appointments. I have also started the NAET technique with my boss. It is super interesting and an experiment so far. More on that later as well, as I get farther into it. You can look it up if you want under NAET... it is an allergy elimination technique.
I am not loving my restaurant job anymore... but I adore my co-workers. But the situation might change soon and I will love my job again. I will be back later with some fun pictures... like the Parker Brothers mansion and the "Clue" house.

Had a few days

I have had a few days to think, to remember, to reflect and to read. I found this poem on another blog and around the net and it is amazing.

From the 104th Floor
by Leda Rodis (age 14 in 2001)

When the plane hit the building
rocked first
to the right
then
to the left,
and outside all the skyscrapers
of New York
seemed to tremble.

The alarms screamed louder
than we did, and I knew
it was time to get away. It's funny
what you notice:
a pen rolling across the floor
my screen saver flicker and go off
a picture of you
and me
at Coney Island.

So much to leave behind. And yet so little.

Running down the hall I remembered
my mother
taking me to the top
of the Empire
State Building when I was just
a little girl,
telling me that a plane
had crashed there a long
time ago. So I thought that maybe
that's
what happened. Just
an accident. And accidents
happen everyday.

Under the blown-out exit sign
a crowd
is screaming,
crying,
pounding
on the door.
I know:
There's

No
Way
Out.

You have to believe that I tried. I'm not the one
to give up.
Back at my desk, I rescue
the rolling pen,
stare
at the blank screen, and
hold
my picture
of you.
I look out
at the blue morning.
I expect
to see God there.
But what I really see is
another plane.
And I know what it means.
But I don't know why...

I always thought that life was full of choices.
It always has been.
What to wear
Where to eat
Who to love
(and you know who I chose).

Now my choices have been taken away from me.
The men in the planes have narrowed my choices
down
to
two:
Death by fire, or death by fall.

I see the smoke
rising
filling the room
It's hard to breathe

I look towards the open window.
What
would falling feel like?

I remember the roller coaster at Coney Island.

The wind tugging at my hair
How good it felt to scream.
The feeling in my stomach.

And how all the way down

I was with you.


14 years old at the time. Amazing. This poem has stuck with me for the last few days. It was 7 years ago but it feels like yesterday. I remember sitting and staring out the window for days just watching the black clouds billow from the site. I was flipping through the channels and came upon the sick programs that play the news from that day... and of course I got stuck... my heart dropped as I watched the towers fall again. Listening to the great reporters of our time talk about the events in disbelief. I have not been back since it happened. I have not watched any of the movies. I don't think I can stomach it. I stayed on that channel briefly before moving on, tears in my eyes. I remember going to school, taking the bus to Hoboken, to take the train to Seton Hall and staring at all the Missing posters hung up everywhere. The sense of sorrow that overcame me looking at those posters. Thinking how awful it must be to not know... to know and still go through the motions of hope. It amazes me that pretty much everything was dust after it fell. Thousands of people, tons and tons of steel and building... dust.
I was listening to the radio and some of the interviews with people that lost loved ones that day... one woman lost her brother and her family came back year after year. They said that they will continue to come back every year because this is the only place that they feel his presence. Not his home before it happened, not with his belongings, the clothes that probably still smelled like him, the fridge with his food in it, the car he parked in the parking lot at the train station maybe but at Ground Zero. That is where they felt him. Where they felt like they could still be with him. It was depressing to hear. And what happened to all those cars? Were there cars just left in places... did they drive to the train station near their homes and go to work... and then they never got to retrieve them. The little things that I think of that are conjured up in my mind when this time of the year comes around.



9.11.2007
The day dawns gray
On this somber anniversary
The Heavens cry with us
As we remember those lost
but never forgotten
The innocent, the heroes
This hallowed ground holds you forever
A final resting place
A testament to the country
Our greatest tragedy
Our greatest test of strength
One more year passes
Forever you remain a part of us

changing seasons...

"Come said the wind to the leaves one day, Come o're the meadows and we will play. Put on your dresses scarlet and gold, For summer is gone and the days grow cold." - A Children's Song of the 1880's


I adore autumn... technically it is still summer but September always signals the start of autumn for me. The leaves change color, the days get cooler, the night comes sooner... so many things to love.

I am sitting at work contemplating life. LOL.

Took me awhile

So I have been absent for a bit... really haven't felt like being online. Plus I have been completely absorbed by watching Sex and the City in order. Currently at the end of Season 5. Good stuff I will say. Not too shabby... even if SJP looks like a horse most of the time. It has made me question why many women don't want to get married anymore though. Most of the females that I know do not have the white wedding dream, what has changed? Is it the high divorce rate or is it just not as important as it used to be? And what happened to the desire to procreate and carry on the human existence? Maybe our generation is more selfish? I mean don't get me wrong, I'm engaged, but I shudder everytime someone accidentally calls River my husband. And I'm pretty sure he has the same reaction when someone calls me his wife. Does that mean that we shouldn't have gotten engaged? Someone asked me why I said yes when he proposed if I don't have the desire to get married. I don't know if having a rock on my finger means that I have to get married. Marriage isn't for everyone and I really don't have the dream to wear a white gown and stand up in front of a ton of people and confirm my commitment to someone. I love River, I don't want to be with anyone other than River and I can't really picture the future without River but I don't want a piece of paper that says I have his last name. Living in sin is not so bad the only thing that would change is that piece of paper. And I really don't need anymore paper.
When did this all change? I know so many women that are fine with just having a boyfriend and being monogamous without all the hoopla of marriage. I know even more that are completely turned off by the thought of children as well. Interesting coming from someone who spends so much of her time in Hoboken, which feels like the knocked-up capital of the world. Bumper carriages every weekend and if they don't have a baby it seems that all the women are pregnant. Something in the tap water I guess.
I wonder where the white-picket fence, 2.5 kids, stay-at-home mom dream went.

In other things, I'm still as bitter as ever LOL. Really unhappy with my one job these days, but they will know soon enough. Once again looking for a job waiting tables, it really is the fastest way to money that I know without selling myself on the street corner. Then again, who knows if I have the personality for that anymore... bastard. The puppy if finally healthy, huge and healthy. He is very tall and now weighs in at 32 pounds and still growing. What was I thinking? Damn you adoption days!

Funny Stuff

I'm glad to hear that some people have realized what a douche bag that GUY is. Still the greatest blog I have ever written, EVER. But I am glad that his true colors are starting to show and people are realizing what they didn't before. Trust me it only gets worse... I know what happens when he dates her. LOL can't wait for karma to kick him in the ass AGAIN. O good times.

On to other things... I am going to try acupuncture. I hate needles but I am desperate to not take anymore hormone shots and I want surgery to REALLY be the LAST resort. So one more ultrasound and some acupuncture. Maybe that will help alleviate the endometriosis... crossing my fingers.

Made my therapist appointment today... woohoo. Took the pretty blue pill last night... unlike last time where it made me so tired I could barely move, I was up all night. ALL NIGHT. All together maybe 2 hours of sleep. Sigh. Hopefully I will pass out tonight after I watch Obama.

Off to do more work... can't wait for September 12th! Going away for the whole weekend! Yay.

the first step

Today I went to the doctor... I love my doctor and I am very upset that she will be leaving at the end of October for Maryland... almost want to follow her. But I finally decided it was time to go back on the pretty blue pills. Depression is a painful and debilitating thing and it is finally time for me to try and conquer it. I am making an appointment to see a therapist... that is still iffy... i hate therapy like nobody's business but well I gotta do it. I need to get over the bad experiences I have had and accept it for what it is. Wish me luck in this new endeavor.

River likes me more when I am on the pretty blue pills... Maybe others will like me on the pretty blue pills. I am not ashamed of having depression. My mother is ashamed... she is ashamed to have a daughter that spent two weeks in a mental ward... she is ashamed that she is the reason for most of my depression. I am ashamed that she is my mother most of the time... how awful is that to say? It is, I know it, I don't sugar-coat my disdain for her. It rips me to pieces that I do not have a mother and my two favorite people in the world have awesome moms. It is the hardest thing to be around sometimes... sometimes I wonder why I do not have more emotionally crippled people in my life. Surprises me that my fiance and my best friend have pretty fabulous lives and families. And then there is little old broken me in the corner. Sigh. But I deal with it... I have overcome many things and I am stronger in ways that others will never be. Depression is real and it affects many, many people. I would rather get help and recognize it for what it is now than to be put back in an institution. I am open about it, about the cutting and about most everything else. Go ahead and ask, I will tell you.

Now I must run from one job to the other... more later.

So many things

running through my head... but fucking aye am i tired. i was at work til almost midnight last night and was sitting at this desk at 8:45 am. you would think that would mean i had some sleep but no. by the time i got home and showered restaurant stink off of me it was 1am and we know how well i sleep! i cannot wait to go home and nap...

Half Empty

You know a good way to get yourself hurt? Tell a pessimist-borderline cynic to think happy thoughts. Now I have heard this a few times in the last few days... we don't think happy thoughts. I definitely don't think happy thoughts when I realize that my friends, who never stood up for me once or said anything to stupid people when they were being nasty, are now being friendly to the biggest drama queen I have ever met. Be friends, I can't tell you who to be friends with but you know what... if you choose to be friends with someone like that then I really don't know if I want to be friends with you anymore. Maybe it's just cause I'm trying to cut said person completely out of my life and will do so if it means extremes. I'm just rethinking friendships cus I'm tired of being the only one that opens my mouth when someone crosses the line or does something completely wrong. I don't sit back and let people walk all over me... sadly my friends do. So maybe I should just keep to myself and defending myself. Never rely on anyone else... and people wonder why I put up this brick wall of defense and don't let anyone get to know me.

Or maybe I just really do fucking hate people. Or maybe I am just in so much fucking pain right now that it makes me crazy. Depo-Provera has messed my body up. Even though I enjoy never having my monthly female visit, 19 months is excessive... cus right now I want to crawl into bed and not come out forever. I guess it is good that my body is regulating and finally getting the hormones out of my system but damnet this pain is insane. I have been popping pain pills like nobody's business the past few days... but not many people know what endometriosis can feel like. Hopefully things get normal, though normal is pain with this problem. Who knows? Maybe the doc will have something to help.

I have been very quiet the past few days... And I think it will continue. What's the point of talking when no one listens anyways? My g*d, I am a Debbie Downer LOL. O well shit happens.

So...

I wish that I had a friend who would defend me to the ends of the Earth is someone talked smack about me or to me... that would defend me when someone said something untrue and unfounded about me... or if someone said something that they didn't agree with about me.

I do not have said friend. I need said friend. Until then, I am done defending, sticking up for or watching out for anyone else. I am an island unto myself.

oooo

I wish my life was more fun lol. Cassie came home last night... thank something. That was a ton of fun going to JFK at midnight. I wish I had brought my camera through the city those would have been awesome pics. Developed 332 pictures from California and various get togethers over the last year yesterday. Some of the pictures made me super sad cus for all the bullshit there are days when I miss some people. Those pictures were fun and made me remember some crazy stuff. Sigh.
Time for some iced coffee... yummy.



Pretty good stuff: I'm told you have to watch it at 3 times to really get the genius but I dig it at 2.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbRom1Rz8OA

Angry Sigh

I do believe I will commit puppycide by week's end. He is teething... his puppy teeth are falling out and he is destroying everything. EVERYTHING. Today he ate my birthday presents from River. Then again if the one thing I wanted had been framed like I asked then it wouldn't be eaten. But some things are just too fucking difficult to ask for. I'm so angry right now I can't even think.

I know that there are people coming on here cus I see the number go up and I know that someone goes on here like 5 times a day. Leave a comment and some love. Cus it's just stalking and weird otherwise.

Just cause

This has caused me hours of enjoyment and laughter since I saw it last week... Thank you Sam. And I am glad someone else takes issue with his voice... omg funny.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2yv8aT0UFc

hmmmm...

I would like to be able to say what a week... but I work 7 days a week so... on September 13th I will say what a month. Planning a weekend retreat for some fun... and maybe some wedding planning??? But who knows really.

Thinking of wedding stuff... I am glad that people in my life reared their ugly heads , not just recently but over the years lol, cus that takes people off my invite list. Thank something. I can deal with a smaller group of friends... cus if we have a wedding at some point (not looking likely, the way River and I lollygag lol) then I want to surrounded by people that love us and have a good time. And none of these people fit those qualifications.

Really need to find a place to live... really need to save some money so when the house is bought we can get a move on... man I want to move to California. Sigh.

Let's go Michael Phelps... let's go Phelps without a shirt on... lol

this is amazing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adYbFQFXG0U


I can't make it embed...

a few things

So some of these came up at work or are inspired by work...

Have you ever wanted to run away and start over somewhere else? O boy have I. At least 3 times a week I wish I could get up, leave everything behind and start a new life. Would you reinvent yourself or be who you are now in a new place? Buddy, here comes someone new and exciting. But then again, that's a lot of work and who knows if I could do that for a long time.
Now it's your turn...

Now here is a gripe. I work in a doctor's office which is not super busy but my job entails a lot of detail and attention to small things. If things go in on the wrong date and things do not match records we could be accused of insurance fraud. Things we do not want to happen in a doctor's office. Can I tell you how fucking annoying it is to come back to the office and have everything gone to shit. We have another assistant in the office and I'm pretty sure she checked out sometime last month. Seriously, if you do not want to do the job then don't bullshit people. I am tired of doing my job and cleaning up after you. I am tired of the extra headache. Why is it so hard to find someone that really wants a job?? And on top of it we knew this was her last month but this week she says I'm leaving next week. Have we forgotten the politeness of 2 weeks? I understand that you do not have to give it .... but seriously don't ask for a referral that's for sure. Anger.

Insomnia last night was evil. I slept from 12 to 1:30 and that was it. Trooper is in a lot of pain from his routine teeth cleaning that turned into a biopsy. Poor doodle his mouth hurts and he refuses to take his painkillers... I will find a way. I can't stand that he is in so much pain... moaned all night and wanted to go outside frequently. But he will be fine... my poor poochie... i cannot wait to go home at noon and pass out.

"These cuts run deep, these scars are permanent and always on display"
This is the quote I have decided on to go with my Alkaline Trio tattoo... cus I need one. And bad. Still so angry about Cali.

Jersey

Been back in Jersey for 2 whole days now and I despise it. LOL. Have you ever noticed how gray Jersey is? Like all the colors have been dulled and washed out. So noticeable when you come back from a place as bright and vibrant as California... and Hawaii. Went back to work on Monday, a few hours after landing, and it has been a busy mess. Many hours spent putting things back together again.

Our dogs were super excited to see us... they make my world so much happier. Max, the puppy, is HUGE. They finally figured out what was wrong with his little tummy that was preventing him from gaining weight and growing properly. They gave us some medicine before we left and thankfully our puppysitters took care of that and made sure he got it. He has gained a ton of weight in the last 2 weeks and is even taller. Still a gaingly little fucker and now loves to bark. And he has learned he is big enough to jump on things now so is having a ton of fun doing that. I believe he is pretty much housebroken and has learned the sit command to almost perfection. Still has WAY TOO much energy though. Got to find an outlet for that puppy energy. Hello long walks!

Insomnia has returned. Jersey apparently equals insomnia. Jersey equals stress that is for fuck sure. There are moments were I really feel I need an outlet cus when I get worked up I want to hurt someone... well I have 2 people in mind and what I would give to beat on them a little, but that is not constructive. My hatred runs deep people. I need to get some sleep... I need to unpack... I need to head to the gym.

www.hereliesboots.com Amazing glass necklaces. Wearing one as I write this. Coolest thing to come home with me from Oceanside. I shall be purchasing more in the coming weeks.

I really write about nothing interesting huh? Well I will link my photos when I finally get them uploaded. There are so many!

Coming to a close

We are currently sitting at the Atlanta, Georgia Airport. Our flight leaves for Jersey in a little under 2 hours. Can we talk about how much I have no desire to go home after spending 10 fabulous, sunny, non-humid, ocean-filled and stress-free days in California? We did not spend much time in San Diego… besides walking around the Gaslamp Quarter for hours on end the first day, walking around Comic-Con for a few hours the second day, picking Bryan and River up the third day from Comic-Con after their epic fail and then driving down to the beach and taking the wrong road a few days ago. But Balboa Park was very cool, the few parts we saw at least. We went to LA on Friday… confusing large city when all you have is part of a day and don’t know where anything is. Thank something for GPS and Yahoo on my Crackberry… we found many cool places. Grauman’s Chinese Theater was wicked fun. All the crazy people dressed up like different characters was interesting to see… especially fat Spiderman. The stars on the walk of fame really did not do anything for me, but the hands and feet in cement were exciting. I loved finding John Wayne, Greta Garbo and JUDY GARLAND! I am a huge Wizard of Oz freak and that was just fanfreakingtastic. I took tons of pictures of all these cement blocks. We saw the Hollywood sign, the Capitol Building, the Whiskey Bar, the Roxy, High Voltage Tattoo (LA Ink to all those that have no idea), Mel’s Drive-In (yeah American Graffiti) and Epitaph Records… even if it was nothing more than a non-descript building. I knew what it was and that was more than enough for me.

Saturday was filled with the Pacific Ocean and wandering around Oceanside some more. We did a ton of walking during vacation and it was too beautiful to take a car everywhere. Hung out with Jhery most of the afternoon and evening. I like that River can pick up with these friends that he has had for years after not seeing each other for ages and it is like no time has passed. Sunday was more of the same… very lazy… went to a delicious pizza place, watched a movie with Jhery, packed, napped while the boys played with computer programs, picked up some more souvenirs and then hit the road for the airport. I can not talk enough about how much I enjoy driving down these huge highways in California doing 85+ mph. I love to drive fast and that just rocks. Sadly, being at the airport was wicked depressing (sometimes you would think I was from Boston, with my overuse of the word wicked). I am in love with California, absolutely in love. The few parts that I saw were fantastic. Even the panic attack that came along with being back in a huge city (LA) was worth it all.

Overall, this vacation was perfect. Okay nothing is perfect and there are a few regrets: 1. we did not go to Mexico… it was not even 40 minutes away and we did not go 2. The tattoo… right now I cannot even think about it without wanting to put my fist through a wall 3. And not going to the Ocean EVERYDAY. And not a regret, but had I known about this contact photodermatitis, I would not have had to go to the freaking doctor and get medicine for my freaking skin. And now I am peeling. I can tan though… my feet look hysterical. Sadly I can not use sunscreen and go in the sun… and being in the sun for too long is just way too risky LOL. Once again, at least when I am 50 I will look super young. We had a great time… River got to do Comic-Con and had the flu (figures) and I broke out and shared his flu… but holy Christmas I would do it again in a heartbeat. Live and Learn. 10 days away from the 50+ hour/7 day work week, from the bullshit, from family, from stress, etc is amazing for the soul. The only thing I missed was the puppies, they were well taken care of but man did I miss those bitches. In 4 hours, I will love all over them.

I need a freaking nap… Airtran Airways sucks. These planes are awful… like a sardine can. A person can not sleep and being on the redeye and not sleeping is painful. I cannot wait for work to be over today so I can shower, throw on pajamas and go to bed with River and my dogs. Ooooo an hour left til the plane boards. I am writing this sitting in front of the window where the plane is, so this will be posted in a few hours. Sigh… I miss California. I do not miss New Jersey humidity… or any humidity for that matter. I left my heart in Cali.

EARTHQUAKE

There was an earthquake today... felt nothing. Good thing we didn't go to LA yesterday we would have most certainly felt it. Some people down here did but I guess we were not close enough to anything for it to affect us.

My skin looks much better today... I feel like a greased pig in all my medicine. But it dries and my skin is getting all pasty again. YAY!!!!

Went to the ocean today. It was fun. The sky is overcast, so it made being outside easier. Played in the waves for awhile now it's time to go find more fun indoor activities. Yesterday I was concerned about the possibility of moving out here but now I think it could be manageable. O fun days...

update

so I woke up today and my skin hurt more and the rash had spread. Had to call the dermatologist who made me go to one out here... I am officially allergic to the sun. Finally it has been confirmed... more later.

Sunday Evening... at least where I am

Back home it has been Monday for 45 minutes. My god do I love California. We have been staying in Oceanside since Wednesday, public transportationing (yeah it's not a real word) it all over. We have a rental car now but for most things it's just easier to take the Coaster and trolley to places. Comic - Con, the one day that we cheated the system and snuck me in was CRAZY. Sadly, I was wicked sick from eating something the night before and was not much fun in any way. The boys called it quits to be nice to me and they went all day Saturday to make up for it. Now River is wicked sick with some kind of flu like thing. Poor baby all sickie on vacation but getting better. We have been making him curl up in a comforter and sweat. My skin broke out... I'm guessing from a combination of sunscreen/sun and chlorine. Hopefully it will stop because my psoriasis freaks me out. And it has made my face more red than it should be.

Jhery, our gracious and fantastic host for most of vacation, took me around Oceanside yesterday. Out to the jetty and a few other spots... effing gorgeous. Driving on the highways is fun... gas is expensive but doing 90 is exciting. Especially when getting pulled over isn't really something to be worried about. I wish that Sam were still here... it would have been cool to see him. I miss him...

Tomorrow we drive up to Los Angeles for a couple of days before Bryan has to head home. Then I think we will go up to Costa Mesa on Thursday (maybe a tattoo shall be placed upon my skin) before we return to Los Angeles to see my love Britt. Then finish it up back in Oceanside so River can spend some remaining time with Jhery... since they see each other like once a year.

There is not much keeping me from packing up and moving out here... Not much at all. That would probably make many people happy if they knew I was moving out of Jersey, but no one will be happier than me. I think I shall start the Cali fund... or maybe I will just entitle it the "get out of Jersey fund" on a big water container and throw change and money into it.

The weather has been a constant 70 some odd degrees, slightly cloudy which eventually burns up with a slight breeze. AMAZING in other words. The colors are so bright and the water is so blue and pretty. I am going to the ocean soon... It is 10 here now... I am going to go read and hang out with the guys.

Leave me some love!

A few thoughts

So... The Dark Knight was even better the second time. This is a record for me... I do not like going to the movies, twice in one weekend is quite amazing. But shat the movie is so good... I want to see it again. Matinee anyone? I keep hearing a lot of crap about how the movie is only good cus of Heath Ledger and it wouldn't be so popular if he was alive but no siree bob... this movie was fantastic no matter what. It would be a wonderful thing if Heath Ledger was here to see what he has done for Batman fans, but in no way is the popularity of this movie based on his death. However, as morbid as this sounds, Heath went out on top. If you are going to die, his Joker and this movie are the best last testament to what that man could do as an actor.

You know what else I'm tired of, listening to people be ignorant about Brokeback Mountain. Chris Nolan hand-picked Heath Ledger because of his role in that movie. I'm tired of guys being all homophobic over that movie and making comments especially when they haven't seen the movie. They have this belief that the movie is full of gratuitous guy on guy sex scenes. Well darlings, get your heads out of you asses and watch the movie. For it is not full of these scenes you have playing in your head. That movie was great as well, Heath and Jake took on bold roles and I don't care what anyone says, I believe taking chances like that just adds to your diversity as an actor. And to all you guys that want to make fun and continue to be ignorant maybe you should check yourself out too. Why are you so threatened by a role like that, or a movie for that matter? Maybe all that boasting about the women in your bed is really a mask for something deep down that you are scared to explore.

Moving on.... at this time tomorrow I will be on a plane headed for California. Packing is a crazy thing. I think I am covered for all eventualities. 4 am cannot come fast enough. The only thing I shall miss are my dogs... I wish I could take them with me. I am trying not to think of the bills or coming back to work, yet I like my jobs so I am sad I won't see these people for 2 weeks. But Hello Vacation!!!

I have been mulling things over... with the passing of my Uncle Andy and learning that my Uncle Bill is not expected to see the end of the summer, death seems to be at the doorstop in my family. It is painful and humbling. Yes, they are older and have lived many good years but still, death is death. And it makes me worry about my grandfather who, though I would like him to live forever, I understand that he will not. He is 88 years old and I hope he will be around for many more years. What a depressing topic.

Back to my last day of work... so much to do today to make sure we are set to leave!!!! Man I'm excited. I need this vacation.

Exhausted

and it is totally worth it. Went to The Dark Knight last night at 12:01. Got to the theater around 9:30 which landed us the 8th and 9th position on line. Which also landed us seats right behind the rail in the center. Prime spots for viewing. I have never heard so much clapping and cheering as a movie came on. I have never heard so much clapping as when the movie ended. I am in love with Heath Ledger, more than ever. Can I tell you that his performance was FUCKING AMAZING? If he does not win an Oscar for his portrayal of a psychopathic killer then there is something wrong with people. Yeah I'm gonna say it... Jack Nicholson who? Heath Ledger is the Joker the way I think the Joker is meant to be played. I still love Jack and his Joker was what that movie called for but Chris Nolan has blown the concept of Batman out of the water. I feel bad for anyone that even tries to attempt to make another one at some point. And I am dying inside that we will never see the Joker again in these movies... there is no one that could replace what Heath Ledger did in that film and I shudder at the mere idea of trying. The Joker/Batman dynamic in this movie is just... I can't believe we won't get to see that play out more. The entire movie I laughed and enjoyed all the performances but fucking aye if I did not get a little emotional and teary-eyed watching him.

That was the movie of the summer... that was the movie of the year... top it. I don't see it happening. Good luck to Chris Nolan if he goes on to make a 3rd because I will be there once again but I have no idea how you will make it any better than the one I saw just 5 hours ago. Effing aye I need some sleep. The only thing that annoyed me in this movie was Christian Bale's Batman voice... but I have issues with the voices that he picks up for a few of his movies (American Psycho). Can't wait to go see the movie in IMAX! I take my hat off to you Dark Knight creators... thank you for an amazing 2.5 hours.

Now I take my leave of you. I have more ramblings for later but right now I do not have the brain function to make it through.

Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness

Thank you Billy Corgan for that.

I do not know why today I feel so sad. Maybe it is because my Uncle Andy was buried today and I did not attend. I love you Uncle Andy and wish I had made it but it was not in the cards. I don't think I could have handled it in the least. Especially without River.

I wish I understood what brings on these bouts. It can't be seasonal disorder, even though I am worse in the winter but I just get these too often for it to be that. The sun is shining, the day is very warm and yet I still feel sad. I guess shit happens LOL.

The job thing has become very interesting with no clear cut definition or offer on the table. We shall see what happens in the coming days.

6 days to vacation. O thank something. I need this... bad. I need to escape from all the bullshit and drama of my life and forget it all for 10 whole days! I really need to start figuring out what I need before then. Hmmmm....

This was a random and boring blog. Took a spin class yesterday... it hurts to walk today. LOLOL

I got me some plans....

Where to begin? I have hopes and dreams like everyone else. I have a wide variety of interests. I am 26 yet more confused about my future than ever. I am scared of the piling debt that is accumulating. I am excited to go on vacation but frightened of more debt. I am a college graduate with a BA in American Studies and a minor in English... yeah I know why don't I be a teacher? Cus I don't want to be one. I think that is the simplest answer. I am not interested in any sort of way... I have never received that calling. I do believe I want to attend the Gallatin School at NYU in the future... I am impressed with their program and I would like to continue to learn. I enjoy American Studies but I don't know what I want to do with it.

Today I have the opportunity to sit down with one of my employers and talk about a better job position. I must stand strong and lay down what I want and stick to my guns. I need to be making so much a week and it needs to happen. I have bills to pay. Today I will also be having a six month review at my other job which could potentially lead to another raise which would be nice. So the job part of my life seems secure *knock on wood*. It would be nice to make enough to cover all the bills for the month and have his job pay for the extras every month. Yet when we get back from Cali he will be looking for a much better position than his current one. So either way I would like my job to cover the majority of the bills and have plenty left over for a cushion. It would be nice to put some money away again.

Yesterday was our 5 year anniversary. Which leaves me wondering what the next year will bring. What do I want from this year... in my love life and personally?

Short term goals off the top of my head:

* have a concrete income (it looks like soon I will be working 60+ hours a week, which in the grand scheme of things I will have to do because I have some serious debt, but it will lead to money)

* start looking and find an apartment that will take my doodles (I will not give them up for anything)

General goals:

* Get my ass to the gym that I pay an arm and a leg for. Can't lose weight if I do not make an active attempt.

* Pay off the credit cards because the school debt will be there for a LONG time.

* Make a decision on school.

* Get the experience I can at the restaurant so if I decide to move to Cali I have something else under my belt.

* Phase meat out of my diet. I really want to go vegetarian and must make a real change.

* Learn to breathe... I am stressed. I need to learn to go with the punches and take everything in stride. I fly off the handle way too easily.

* Begin the wedding process or decide if that is not going to happen.

* Be more diligent about my writing.

* Less TV, more books...

Right now this is all I can think about. I know most of them are useless and small and not really life changing. But right now I don't need anything life changing. I just need to better myself and stop being so fucking confused about everything. It would be nice to even out my moods without the help of drugs but there are so many days that I believe that some pretty blue pills would be ideal.
I thank something every day for my friends. Without them I would be a mess. That is the only scary part of moving to California... I would miss my friends way too much and the NYC skyline. But I will not miss these extreme seasons. That is for sure. Ok this blog has been an all day process so I am going to shower and sleep. WOOO!

To Write Love On Her Arms

Is a fantastic organization that I came upon when I went to the Anberlin/Bayside show last year. I understand the need for all these organizations for the homeless, for alcoholism, for drug abuse but none of them ever really spoke to me in any sort of way. Thankfully I have never had to deal with those demons. And many people do not seem to understand that cutting is for real. It is a battle that I deal with daily. It has been 5 years and a handful of months since I last ran a piece of jagged glass through my skin. Yet I fight everyday not to do it again. Not cutting oneself when the need is crushing down on you is a feat in itself. I always get the cutting is useless... it doesn't do anything... it's so stupid why would anyone do that. Why would anyone suck white powder up their nose... Why would someone drink themselves into oblivion... Why would someone beat the shit out of someone else???? These are questions that seem to be on par with why would you cut yourself? Why do we do it... because this is the way we have learned to deal with our problems. For me it has always been easier than talking to someone. Many years of therapy and psychiatrist trips that never worked out.

I miss that piece of glass so much... I liked glass more than a razor cus it was not as neat. Razors come in handy when you have nothing else but glass was what did it for me. This emotion, this anger, this pain gets built up in my chest and spreads to my blood and I just feel it boiling for release. Thankfully these days I just breathe and not speak for awhile and it eventually goes away. Last night was just unhappy and the hardest night I have had in a long time. I got through it... the tension is still in me but I am fighting. A couple months ago a woman came into the office and the first thing I noticed were the cuts on her arms... the doctor I work for thought she had been in an accident. I knew those cuts... mine are not as bad or obvious but I knew. In the doc's own words she "had never been exposed to something like that before." I laughed. I don't remember what started me cutting, I know it had to do with my mom and most of the time after I speak with her even to this day I still want to. But that piece of glass was sitting there and it went into my arm and carved out "I hate life" which I still have on my arm today. LOL teenage angst before teenage angst was cool.
I am proud of myself. Today I am proud of myself. I made it through a rough night that has been building up for many weeks now, but I made it through the night and the day dawned brighter. May be corny and laugh all you want but you will never know this struggle if you do not have a vice like this. I understand what recovering addicts go through... definitely not in the same manner or intensity but I understand the withdrawal and the fight to stay away from it. Enough for now...

Musings on my 26th Birthday

Yesterday I turned 26. Will this be the year that I make my own? Will I make this THE year? Do I have that kind of ambition and determination? I would like to think so but who the hell knows. It was a good freaking birthday. Maybe cus we did not try to plan anything for real and that helped. Yet I spend most of my time with one central group of people and can I tell you that only 1 of them wished me a happy birthday. Only one. Maybe I should not feel so bad but I do. I make sure that we all do things together and for everyone's birthday and then no one can even text message me 13 letters of well wishing. That bothers me... many things bother me these days. How I got thrown under the fucking bus and no one came to my defense... that bothers me. I am pretty tired of making myself so available for attack. Then again, my mouth has a mind of its own and I apparently do not know how to think before I speak. Whatever... I will just have to deal.