Funny Stuff

I'm glad to hear that some people have realized what a douche bag that GUY is. Still the greatest blog I have ever written, EVER. But I am glad that his true colors are starting to show and people are realizing what they didn't before. Trust me it only gets worse... I know what happens when he dates her. LOL can't wait for karma to kick him in the ass AGAIN. O good times.

On to other things... I am going to try acupuncture. I hate needles but I am desperate to not take anymore hormone shots and I want surgery to REALLY be the LAST resort. So one more ultrasound and some acupuncture. Maybe that will help alleviate the endometriosis... crossing my fingers.

Made my therapist appointment today... woohoo. Took the pretty blue pill last night... unlike last time where it made me so tired I could barely move, I was up all night. ALL NIGHT. All together maybe 2 hours of sleep. Sigh. Hopefully I will pass out tonight after I watch Obama.

Off to do more work... can't wait for September 12th! Going away for the whole weekend! Yay.

the first step

Today I went to the doctor... I love my doctor and I am very upset that she will be leaving at the end of October for Maryland... almost want to follow her. But I finally decided it was time to go back on the pretty blue pills. Depression is a painful and debilitating thing and it is finally time for me to try and conquer it. I am making an appointment to see a therapist... that is still iffy... i hate therapy like nobody's business but well I gotta do it. I need to get over the bad experiences I have had and accept it for what it is. Wish me luck in this new endeavor.

River likes me more when I am on the pretty blue pills... Maybe others will like me on the pretty blue pills. I am not ashamed of having depression. My mother is ashamed... she is ashamed to have a daughter that spent two weeks in a mental ward... she is ashamed that she is the reason for most of my depression. I am ashamed that she is my mother most of the time... how awful is that to say? It is, I know it, I don't sugar-coat my disdain for her. It rips me to pieces that I do not have a mother and my two favorite people in the world have awesome moms. It is the hardest thing to be around sometimes... sometimes I wonder why I do not have more emotionally crippled people in my life. Surprises me that my fiance and my best friend have pretty fabulous lives and families. And then there is little old broken me in the corner. Sigh. But I deal with it... I have overcome many things and I am stronger in ways that others will never be. Depression is real and it affects many, many people. I would rather get help and recognize it for what it is now than to be put back in an institution. I am open about it, about the cutting and about most everything else. Go ahead and ask, I will tell you.

Now I must run from one job to the other... more later.

So many things

running through my head... but fucking aye am i tired. i was at work til almost midnight last night and was sitting at this desk at 8:45 am. you would think that would mean i had some sleep but no. by the time i got home and showered restaurant stink off of me it was 1am and we know how well i sleep! i cannot wait to go home and nap...

Half Empty

You know a good way to get yourself hurt? Tell a pessimist-borderline cynic to think happy thoughts. Now I have heard this a few times in the last few days... we don't think happy thoughts. I definitely don't think happy thoughts when I realize that my friends, who never stood up for me once or said anything to stupid people when they were being nasty, are now being friendly to the biggest drama queen I have ever met. Be friends, I can't tell you who to be friends with but you know what... if you choose to be friends with someone like that then I really don't know if I want to be friends with you anymore. Maybe it's just cause I'm trying to cut said person completely out of my life and will do so if it means extremes. I'm just rethinking friendships cus I'm tired of being the only one that opens my mouth when someone crosses the line or does something completely wrong. I don't sit back and let people walk all over me... sadly my friends do. So maybe I should just keep to myself and defending myself. Never rely on anyone else... and people wonder why I put up this brick wall of defense and don't let anyone get to know me.

Or maybe I just really do fucking hate people. Or maybe I am just in so much fucking pain right now that it makes me crazy. Depo-Provera has messed my body up. Even though I enjoy never having my monthly female visit, 19 months is excessive... cus right now I want to crawl into bed and not come out forever. I guess it is good that my body is regulating and finally getting the hormones out of my system but damnet this pain is insane. I have been popping pain pills like nobody's business the past few days... but not many people know what endometriosis can feel like. Hopefully things get normal, though normal is pain with this problem. Who knows? Maybe the doc will have something to help.

I have been very quiet the past few days... And I think it will continue. What's the point of talking when no one listens anyways? My g*d, I am a Debbie Downer LOL. O well shit happens.

So...

I wish that I had a friend who would defend me to the ends of the Earth is someone talked smack about me or to me... that would defend me when someone said something untrue and unfounded about me... or if someone said something that they didn't agree with about me.

I do not have said friend. I need said friend. Until then, I am done defending, sticking up for or watching out for anyone else. I am an island unto myself.

oooo

I wish my life was more fun lol. Cassie came home last night... thank something. That was a ton of fun going to JFK at midnight. I wish I had brought my camera through the city those would have been awesome pics. Developed 332 pictures from California and various get togethers over the last year yesterday. Some of the pictures made me super sad cus for all the bullshit there are days when I miss some people. Those pictures were fun and made me remember some crazy stuff. Sigh.
Time for some iced coffee... yummy.



Pretty good stuff: I'm told you have to watch it at 3 times to really get the genius but I dig it at 2.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbRom1Rz8OA

Angry Sigh

I do believe I will commit puppycide by week's end. He is teething... his puppy teeth are falling out and he is destroying everything. EVERYTHING. Today he ate my birthday presents from River. Then again if the one thing I wanted had been framed like I asked then it wouldn't be eaten. But some things are just too fucking difficult to ask for. I'm so angry right now I can't even think.

I know that there are people coming on here cus I see the number go up and I know that someone goes on here like 5 times a day. Leave a comment and some love. Cus it's just stalking and weird otherwise.

Just cause

This has caused me hours of enjoyment and laughter since I saw it last week... Thank you Sam. And I am glad someone else takes issue with his voice... omg funny.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2yv8aT0UFc

hmmmm...

I would like to be able to say what a week... but I work 7 days a week so... on September 13th I will say what a month. Planning a weekend retreat for some fun... and maybe some wedding planning??? But who knows really.

Thinking of wedding stuff... I am glad that people in my life reared their ugly heads , not just recently but over the years lol, cus that takes people off my invite list. Thank something. I can deal with a smaller group of friends... cus if we have a wedding at some point (not looking likely, the way River and I lollygag lol) then I want to surrounded by people that love us and have a good time. And none of these people fit those qualifications.

Really need to find a place to live... really need to save some money so when the house is bought we can get a move on... man I want to move to California. Sigh.

Let's go Michael Phelps... let's go Phelps without a shirt on... lol

this is amazing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adYbFQFXG0U


I can't make it embed...

a few things

So some of these came up at work or are inspired by work...

Have you ever wanted to run away and start over somewhere else? O boy have I. At least 3 times a week I wish I could get up, leave everything behind and start a new life. Would you reinvent yourself or be who you are now in a new place? Buddy, here comes someone new and exciting. But then again, that's a lot of work and who knows if I could do that for a long time.
Now it's your turn...

Now here is a gripe. I work in a doctor's office which is not super busy but my job entails a lot of detail and attention to small things. If things go in on the wrong date and things do not match records we could be accused of insurance fraud. Things we do not want to happen in a doctor's office. Can I tell you how fucking annoying it is to come back to the office and have everything gone to shit. We have another assistant in the office and I'm pretty sure she checked out sometime last month. Seriously, if you do not want to do the job then don't bullshit people. I am tired of doing my job and cleaning up after you. I am tired of the extra headache. Why is it so hard to find someone that really wants a job?? And on top of it we knew this was her last month but this week she says I'm leaving next week. Have we forgotten the politeness of 2 weeks? I understand that you do not have to give it .... but seriously don't ask for a referral that's for sure. Anger.

Insomnia last night was evil. I slept from 12 to 1:30 and that was it. Trooper is in a lot of pain from his routine teeth cleaning that turned into a biopsy. Poor doodle his mouth hurts and he refuses to take his painkillers... I will find a way. I can't stand that he is in so much pain... moaned all night and wanted to go outside frequently. But he will be fine... my poor poochie... i cannot wait to go home at noon and pass out.

"These cuts run deep, these scars are permanent and always on display"
This is the quote I have decided on to go with my Alkaline Trio tattoo... cus I need one. And bad. Still so angry about Cali.

Jersey

Been back in Jersey for 2 whole days now and I despise it. LOL. Have you ever noticed how gray Jersey is? Like all the colors have been dulled and washed out. So noticeable when you come back from a place as bright and vibrant as California... and Hawaii. Went back to work on Monday, a few hours after landing, and it has been a busy mess. Many hours spent putting things back together again.

Our dogs were super excited to see us... they make my world so much happier. Max, the puppy, is HUGE. They finally figured out what was wrong with his little tummy that was preventing him from gaining weight and growing properly. They gave us some medicine before we left and thankfully our puppysitters took care of that and made sure he got it. He has gained a ton of weight in the last 2 weeks and is even taller. Still a gaingly little fucker and now loves to bark. And he has learned he is big enough to jump on things now so is having a ton of fun doing that. I believe he is pretty much housebroken and has learned the sit command to almost perfection. Still has WAY TOO much energy though. Got to find an outlet for that puppy energy. Hello long walks!

Insomnia has returned. Jersey apparently equals insomnia. Jersey equals stress that is for fuck sure. There are moments were I really feel I need an outlet cus when I get worked up I want to hurt someone... well I have 2 people in mind and what I would give to beat on them a little, but that is not constructive. My hatred runs deep people. I need to get some sleep... I need to unpack... I need to head to the gym.

www.hereliesboots.com Amazing glass necklaces. Wearing one as I write this. Coolest thing to come home with me from Oceanside. I shall be purchasing more in the coming weeks.

I really write about nothing interesting huh? Well I will link my photos when I finally get them uploaded. There are so many!

Coming to a close

We are currently sitting at the Atlanta, Georgia Airport. Our flight leaves for Jersey in a little under 2 hours. Can we talk about how much I have no desire to go home after spending 10 fabulous, sunny, non-humid, ocean-filled and stress-free days in California? We did not spend much time in San Diego… besides walking around the Gaslamp Quarter for hours on end the first day, walking around Comic-Con for a few hours the second day, picking Bryan and River up the third day from Comic-Con after their epic fail and then driving down to the beach and taking the wrong road a few days ago. But Balboa Park was very cool, the few parts we saw at least. We went to LA on Friday… confusing large city when all you have is part of a day and don’t know where anything is. Thank something for GPS and Yahoo on my Crackberry… we found many cool places. Grauman’s Chinese Theater was wicked fun. All the crazy people dressed up like different characters was interesting to see… especially fat Spiderman. The stars on the walk of fame really did not do anything for me, but the hands and feet in cement were exciting. I loved finding John Wayne, Greta Garbo and JUDY GARLAND! I am a huge Wizard of Oz freak and that was just fanfreakingtastic. I took tons of pictures of all these cement blocks. We saw the Hollywood sign, the Capitol Building, the Whiskey Bar, the Roxy, High Voltage Tattoo (LA Ink to all those that have no idea), Mel’s Drive-In (yeah American Graffiti) and Epitaph Records… even if it was nothing more than a non-descript building. I knew what it was and that was more than enough for me.

Saturday was filled with the Pacific Ocean and wandering around Oceanside some more. We did a ton of walking during vacation and it was too beautiful to take a car everywhere. Hung out with Jhery most of the afternoon and evening. I like that River can pick up with these friends that he has had for years after not seeing each other for ages and it is like no time has passed. Sunday was more of the same… very lazy… went to a delicious pizza place, watched a movie with Jhery, packed, napped while the boys played with computer programs, picked up some more souvenirs and then hit the road for the airport. I can not talk enough about how much I enjoy driving down these huge highways in California doing 85+ mph. I love to drive fast and that just rocks. Sadly, being at the airport was wicked depressing (sometimes you would think I was from Boston, with my overuse of the word wicked). I am in love with California, absolutely in love. The few parts that I saw were fantastic. Even the panic attack that came along with being back in a huge city (LA) was worth it all.

Overall, this vacation was perfect. Okay nothing is perfect and there are a few regrets: 1. we did not go to Mexico… it was not even 40 minutes away and we did not go 2. The tattoo… right now I cannot even think about it without wanting to put my fist through a wall 3. And not going to the Ocean EVERYDAY. And not a regret, but had I known about this contact photodermatitis, I would not have had to go to the freaking doctor and get medicine for my freaking skin. And now I am peeling. I can tan though… my feet look hysterical. Sadly I can not use sunscreen and go in the sun… and being in the sun for too long is just way too risky LOL. Once again, at least when I am 50 I will look super young. We had a great time… River got to do Comic-Con and had the flu (figures) and I broke out and shared his flu… but holy Christmas I would do it again in a heartbeat. Live and Learn. 10 days away from the 50+ hour/7 day work week, from the bullshit, from family, from stress, etc is amazing for the soul. The only thing I missed was the puppies, they were well taken care of but man did I miss those bitches. In 4 hours, I will love all over them.

I need a freaking nap… Airtran Airways sucks. These planes are awful… like a sardine can. A person can not sleep and being on the redeye and not sleeping is painful. I cannot wait for work to be over today so I can shower, throw on pajamas and go to bed with River and my dogs. Ooooo an hour left til the plane boards. I am writing this sitting in front of the window where the plane is, so this will be posted in a few hours. Sigh… I miss California. I do not miss New Jersey humidity… or any humidity for that matter. I left my heart in Cali.