EARTHQUAKE

There was an earthquake today... felt nothing. Good thing we didn't go to LA yesterday we would have most certainly felt it. Some people down here did but I guess we were not close enough to anything for it to affect us.

My skin looks much better today... I feel like a greased pig in all my medicine. But it dries and my skin is getting all pasty again. YAY!!!!

Went to the ocean today. It was fun. The sky is overcast, so it made being outside easier. Played in the waves for awhile now it's time to go find more fun indoor activities. Yesterday I was concerned about the possibility of moving out here but now I think it could be manageable. O fun days...

update

so I woke up today and my skin hurt more and the rash had spread. Had to call the dermatologist who made me go to one out here... I am officially allergic to the sun. Finally it has been confirmed... more later.

Sunday Evening... at least where I am

Back home it has been Monday for 45 minutes. My god do I love California. We have been staying in Oceanside since Wednesday, public transportationing (yeah it's not a real word) it all over. We have a rental car now but for most things it's just easier to take the Coaster and trolley to places. Comic - Con, the one day that we cheated the system and snuck me in was CRAZY. Sadly, I was wicked sick from eating something the night before and was not much fun in any way. The boys called it quits to be nice to me and they went all day Saturday to make up for it. Now River is wicked sick with some kind of flu like thing. Poor baby all sickie on vacation but getting better. We have been making him curl up in a comforter and sweat. My skin broke out... I'm guessing from a combination of sunscreen/sun and chlorine. Hopefully it will stop because my psoriasis freaks me out. And it has made my face more red than it should be.

Jhery, our gracious and fantastic host for most of vacation, took me around Oceanside yesterday. Out to the jetty and a few other spots... effing gorgeous. Driving on the highways is fun... gas is expensive but doing 90 is exciting. Especially when getting pulled over isn't really something to be worried about. I wish that Sam were still here... it would have been cool to see him. I miss him...

Tomorrow we drive up to Los Angeles for a couple of days before Bryan has to head home. Then I think we will go up to Costa Mesa on Thursday (maybe a tattoo shall be placed upon my skin) before we return to Los Angeles to see my love Britt. Then finish it up back in Oceanside so River can spend some remaining time with Jhery... since they see each other like once a year.

There is not much keeping me from packing up and moving out here... Not much at all. That would probably make many people happy if they knew I was moving out of Jersey, but no one will be happier than me. I think I shall start the Cali fund... or maybe I will just entitle it the "get out of Jersey fund" on a big water container and throw change and money into it.

The weather has been a constant 70 some odd degrees, slightly cloudy which eventually burns up with a slight breeze. AMAZING in other words. The colors are so bright and the water is so blue and pretty. I am going to the ocean soon... It is 10 here now... I am going to go read and hang out with the guys.

Leave me some love!

A few thoughts

So... The Dark Knight was even better the second time. This is a record for me... I do not like going to the movies, twice in one weekend is quite amazing. But shat the movie is so good... I want to see it again. Matinee anyone? I keep hearing a lot of crap about how the movie is only good cus of Heath Ledger and it wouldn't be so popular if he was alive but no siree bob... this movie was fantastic no matter what. It would be a wonderful thing if Heath Ledger was here to see what he has done for Batman fans, but in no way is the popularity of this movie based on his death. However, as morbid as this sounds, Heath went out on top. If you are going to die, his Joker and this movie are the best last testament to what that man could do as an actor.

You know what else I'm tired of, listening to people be ignorant about Brokeback Mountain. Chris Nolan hand-picked Heath Ledger because of his role in that movie. I'm tired of guys being all homophobic over that movie and making comments especially when they haven't seen the movie. They have this belief that the movie is full of gratuitous guy on guy sex scenes. Well darlings, get your heads out of you asses and watch the movie. For it is not full of these scenes you have playing in your head. That movie was great as well, Heath and Jake took on bold roles and I don't care what anyone says, I believe taking chances like that just adds to your diversity as an actor. And to all you guys that want to make fun and continue to be ignorant maybe you should check yourself out too. Why are you so threatened by a role like that, or a movie for that matter? Maybe all that boasting about the women in your bed is really a mask for something deep down that you are scared to explore.

Moving on.... at this time tomorrow I will be on a plane headed for California. Packing is a crazy thing. I think I am covered for all eventualities. 4 am cannot come fast enough. The only thing I shall miss are my dogs... I wish I could take them with me. I am trying not to think of the bills or coming back to work, yet I like my jobs so I am sad I won't see these people for 2 weeks. But Hello Vacation!!!

I have been mulling things over... with the passing of my Uncle Andy and learning that my Uncle Bill is not expected to see the end of the summer, death seems to be at the doorstop in my family. It is painful and humbling. Yes, they are older and have lived many good years but still, death is death. And it makes me worry about my grandfather who, though I would like him to live forever, I understand that he will not. He is 88 years old and I hope he will be around for many more years. What a depressing topic.

Back to my last day of work... so much to do today to make sure we are set to leave!!!! Man I'm excited. I need this vacation.

Exhausted

and it is totally worth it. Went to The Dark Knight last night at 12:01. Got to the theater around 9:30 which landed us the 8th and 9th position on line. Which also landed us seats right behind the rail in the center. Prime spots for viewing. I have never heard so much clapping and cheering as a movie came on. I have never heard so much clapping as when the movie ended. I am in love with Heath Ledger, more than ever. Can I tell you that his performance was FUCKING AMAZING? If he does not win an Oscar for his portrayal of a psychopathic killer then there is something wrong with people. Yeah I'm gonna say it... Jack Nicholson who? Heath Ledger is the Joker the way I think the Joker is meant to be played. I still love Jack and his Joker was what that movie called for but Chris Nolan has blown the concept of Batman out of the water. I feel bad for anyone that even tries to attempt to make another one at some point. And I am dying inside that we will never see the Joker again in these movies... there is no one that could replace what Heath Ledger did in that film and I shudder at the mere idea of trying. The Joker/Batman dynamic in this movie is just... I can't believe we won't get to see that play out more. The entire movie I laughed and enjoyed all the performances but fucking aye if I did not get a little emotional and teary-eyed watching him.

That was the movie of the summer... that was the movie of the year... top it. I don't see it happening. Good luck to Chris Nolan if he goes on to make a 3rd because I will be there once again but I have no idea how you will make it any better than the one I saw just 5 hours ago. Effing aye I need some sleep. The only thing that annoyed me in this movie was Christian Bale's Batman voice... but I have issues with the voices that he picks up for a few of his movies (American Psycho). Can't wait to go see the movie in IMAX! I take my hat off to you Dark Knight creators... thank you for an amazing 2.5 hours.

Now I take my leave of you. I have more ramblings for later but right now I do not have the brain function to make it through.

Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness

Thank you Billy Corgan for that.

I do not know why today I feel so sad. Maybe it is because my Uncle Andy was buried today and I did not attend. I love you Uncle Andy and wish I had made it but it was not in the cards. I don't think I could have handled it in the least. Especially without River.

I wish I understood what brings on these bouts. It can't be seasonal disorder, even though I am worse in the winter but I just get these too often for it to be that. The sun is shining, the day is very warm and yet I still feel sad. I guess shit happens LOL.

The job thing has become very interesting with no clear cut definition or offer on the table. We shall see what happens in the coming days.

6 days to vacation. O thank something. I need this... bad. I need to escape from all the bullshit and drama of my life and forget it all for 10 whole days! I really need to start figuring out what I need before then. Hmmmm....

This was a random and boring blog. Took a spin class yesterday... it hurts to walk today. LOLOL

I got me some plans....

Where to begin? I have hopes and dreams like everyone else. I have a wide variety of interests. I am 26 yet more confused about my future than ever. I am scared of the piling debt that is accumulating. I am excited to go on vacation but frightened of more debt. I am a college graduate with a BA in American Studies and a minor in English... yeah I know why don't I be a teacher? Cus I don't want to be one. I think that is the simplest answer. I am not interested in any sort of way... I have never received that calling. I do believe I want to attend the Gallatin School at NYU in the future... I am impressed with their program and I would like to continue to learn. I enjoy American Studies but I don't know what I want to do with it.

Today I have the opportunity to sit down with one of my employers and talk about a better job position. I must stand strong and lay down what I want and stick to my guns. I need to be making so much a week and it needs to happen. I have bills to pay. Today I will also be having a six month review at my other job which could potentially lead to another raise which would be nice. So the job part of my life seems secure *knock on wood*. It would be nice to make enough to cover all the bills for the month and have his job pay for the extras every month. Yet when we get back from Cali he will be looking for a much better position than his current one. So either way I would like my job to cover the majority of the bills and have plenty left over for a cushion. It would be nice to put some money away again.

Yesterday was our 5 year anniversary. Which leaves me wondering what the next year will bring. What do I want from this year... in my love life and personally?

Short term goals off the top of my head:

* have a concrete income (it looks like soon I will be working 60+ hours a week, which in the grand scheme of things I will have to do because I have some serious debt, but it will lead to money)

* start looking and find an apartment that will take my doodles (I will not give them up for anything)

General goals:

* Get my ass to the gym that I pay an arm and a leg for. Can't lose weight if I do not make an active attempt.

* Pay off the credit cards because the school debt will be there for a LONG time.

* Make a decision on school.

* Get the experience I can at the restaurant so if I decide to move to Cali I have something else under my belt.

* Phase meat out of my diet. I really want to go vegetarian and must make a real change.

* Learn to breathe... I am stressed. I need to learn to go with the punches and take everything in stride. I fly off the handle way too easily.

* Begin the wedding process or decide if that is not going to happen.

* Be more diligent about my writing.

* Less TV, more books...

Right now this is all I can think about. I know most of them are useless and small and not really life changing. But right now I don't need anything life changing. I just need to better myself and stop being so fucking confused about everything. It would be nice to even out my moods without the help of drugs but there are so many days that I believe that some pretty blue pills would be ideal.
I thank something every day for my friends. Without them I would be a mess. That is the only scary part of moving to California... I would miss my friends way too much and the NYC skyline. But I will not miss these extreme seasons. That is for sure. Ok this blog has been an all day process so I am going to shower and sleep. WOOO!

To Write Love On Her Arms

Is a fantastic organization that I came upon when I went to the Anberlin/Bayside show last year. I understand the need for all these organizations for the homeless, for alcoholism, for drug abuse but none of them ever really spoke to me in any sort of way. Thankfully I have never had to deal with those demons. And many people do not seem to understand that cutting is for real. It is a battle that I deal with daily. It has been 5 years and a handful of months since I last ran a piece of jagged glass through my skin. Yet I fight everyday not to do it again. Not cutting oneself when the need is crushing down on you is a feat in itself. I always get the cutting is useless... it doesn't do anything... it's so stupid why would anyone do that. Why would anyone suck white powder up their nose... Why would someone drink themselves into oblivion... Why would someone beat the shit out of someone else???? These are questions that seem to be on par with why would you cut yourself? Why do we do it... because this is the way we have learned to deal with our problems. For me it has always been easier than talking to someone. Many years of therapy and psychiatrist trips that never worked out.

I miss that piece of glass so much... I liked glass more than a razor cus it was not as neat. Razors come in handy when you have nothing else but glass was what did it for me. This emotion, this anger, this pain gets built up in my chest and spreads to my blood and I just feel it boiling for release. Thankfully these days I just breathe and not speak for awhile and it eventually goes away. Last night was just unhappy and the hardest night I have had in a long time. I got through it... the tension is still in me but I am fighting. A couple months ago a woman came into the office and the first thing I noticed were the cuts on her arms... the doctor I work for thought she had been in an accident. I knew those cuts... mine are not as bad or obvious but I knew. In the doc's own words she "had never been exposed to something like that before." I laughed. I don't remember what started me cutting, I know it had to do with my mom and most of the time after I speak with her even to this day I still want to. But that piece of glass was sitting there and it went into my arm and carved out "I hate life" which I still have on my arm today. LOL teenage angst before teenage angst was cool.
I am proud of myself. Today I am proud of myself. I made it through a rough night that has been building up for many weeks now, but I made it through the night and the day dawned brighter. May be corny and laugh all you want but you will never know this struggle if you do not have a vice like this. I understand what recovering addicts go through... definitely not in the same manner or intensity but I understand the withdrawal and the fight to stay away from it. Enough for now...

Musings on my 26th Birthday

Yesterday I turned 26. Will this be the year that I make my own? Will I make this THE year? Do I have that kind of ambition and determination? I would like to think so but who the hell knows. It was a good freaking birthday. Maybe cus we did not try to plan anything for real and that helped. Yet I spend most of my time with one central group of people and can I tell you that only 1 of them wished me a happy birthday. Only one. Maybe I should not feel so bad but I do. I make sure that we all do things together and for everyone's birthday and then no one can even text message me 13 letters of well wishing. That bothers me... many things bother me these days. How I got thrown under the fucking bus and no one came to my defense... that bothers me. I am pretty tired of making myself so available for attack. Then again, my mouth has a mind of its own and I apparently do not know how to think before I speak. Whatever... I will just have to deal.