the first step

Today I went to the doctor... I love my doctor and I am very upset that she will be leaving at the end of October for Maryland... almost want to follow her. But I finally decided it was time to go back on the pretty blue pills. Depression is a painful and debilitating thing and it is finally time for me to try and conquer it. I am making an appointment to see a therapist... that is still iffy... i hate therapy like nobody's business but well I gotta do it. I need to get over the bad experiences I have had and accept it for what it is. Wish me luck in this new endeavor.

River likes me more when I am on the pretty blue pills... Maybe others will like me on the pretty blue pills. I am not ashamed of having depression. My mother is ashamed... she is ashamed to have a daughter that spent two weeks in a mental ward... she is ashamed that she is the reason for most of my depression. I am ashamed that she is my mother most of the time... how awful is that to say? It is, I know it, I don't sugar-coat my disdain for her. It rips me to pieces that I do not have a mother and my two favorite people in the world have awesome moms. It is the hardest thing to be around sometimes... sometimes I wonder why I do not have more emotionally crippled people in my life. Surprises me that my fiance and my best friend have pretty fabulous lives and families. And then there is little old broken me in the corner. Sigh. But I deal with it... I have overcome many things and I am stronger in ways that others will never be. Depression is real and it affects many, many people. I would rather get help and recognize it for what it is now than to be put back in an institution. I am open about it, about the cutting and about most everything else. Go ahead and ask, I will tell you.

Now I must run from one job to the other... more later.