Greetings and Salutations

One more book to add to the list.

2009-07-31T10:34:00.002-04:00

American Gods by Neil Gaman. I really don't think Neil Gaiman can do any wrong.

Amazon.com Review
American Gods is Neil Gaiman's best and most ambitious novel yet, a scary, strange, and hallucinogenic road-trip story wrapped around a deep examination of the American spirit. Gaiman tackles everything from the onslaught of the information age to the meaning of death, but he doesn't sacrifice the razor-sharp plotting and narrative style he's been delivering since his Sandman days.

Shadow gets out of prison early when his wife is killed in a car crash. At a loss, he takes up with a mysterious character called Wednesday, who is much more than he appears. In fact, Wednesday is an old god, once known as Odin the All-father, who is roaming America rounding up his forgotten fellows in preparation for an epic battle against the upstart deities of the Internet, credit cards, television, and all that is wired. Shadow agrees to help Wednesday, and they whirl through a psycho-spiritual storm that becomes all too real in its manifestations. For instance, Shadow's dead wife Laura keeps showing up, and not just as a ghost--the difficulty of their continuing relationship is by turns grim and darkly funny, just like the rest of the book.

Armed only with some coin tricks and a sense of purpose, Shadow travels through, around, and underneath the visible surface of things, digging up all the powerful myths Americans brought with them in their journeys to this land as well as the ones that were already here. Shadow's road story is the heart of the novel, and it's here that Gaiman offers up the details that make this such a cinematic book--the distinctly American foods and diversions, the bizarre roadside attractions, the decrepit gods reduced to shell games and prostitution. "This is a bad land for Gods," says Shadow.

This was definitely a fantastical book. The story is never too unbelievable and I found myself swept up in the struggle between the new and old gods. The idea that these gods are still among us is enticing. Neil Gaiman has fast become one of my favorite authors. And following him on twitter is fun too. I have to say that I would recommend this book to anyone and everyone.
Now I must go add this to the list of books for 2009

Let's do this quick and dirty.

2009-07-30T13:24:00.015-04:00

I will be MIA for a bit. The office is moving this week so that is consuming some time. I have finals next week so that is consuming my life. And I have been nominated for and taken the Secretary position of Student Council at school. Yeah, I'm fucking crazy. I will most certainly post up my schedule next time so you can see why I'm going to explode starting in September.

Without further ado... let me post some pics from Rhode Island.

Ok so ignore my double chin and sweatiness. This is probably 2.5 hours of sitting in Connecticut. I hate Connecticut. We spent 4 hours in traffic when it should have taken 1.5. It was awful. Here are some examples of what Cassie and I came up with while sitting in hell:

Dear Connecticut,
You have more red lights than the district in Amsterdam.
Love, Us

Dear Connecticut,
Do us all a favor and split yourself between Rhode Island, Mass and NY. We would appreciate it.
Love, Us

Dear Connecticut,
I am pretty fucking sure you are the worst state in the union. Please kill yourself.
Love, Us (Notice the anger building)

Dear Connecticut,
I thoroughly enjoy speeding down your highway at 20mph.
Love, Us

Dear Connecticut,
Your existence makes me ashamed to be an American.
Regards, Us

You can't really see it but that says Welcome to Rhode Island. I have never been so happy to see something in my life. A 3 hour trip took us 6.5 hours. I fucking hate Connecticut. There are only 49 states in my USA now.

Ok so we got there late, somehow Cassie and I planned our trip during Restaurant Week. Fantastic timing cus we are fat girls and Restaurant Week allowed us to eat at some really cool local restaurants. The first night was Local 121, which only uses produce from no more than an hour away. It was delicious.

We ended the night at this bar that has a beer club with 99 beers. I had a framboise and the ladies tried some wild beers. The first night was good. Sadly, Cassie and I missed having any time to go out and explore but it was a great night.

It's all about food when you have Cassie and I together. We stayed with her friend Juhi and went to brunch here before we set out to explore Providence. Cute place, delicious omelettes... love local stuff!

So the most fantastic thing about Juhi, besides her letting us crash on her extra bed, was that she lived in the historic district of Providence. So all the amazing historical houses (like Henry Miller's) were all nearby. This house was amazing. There were many amazing houses and me loving architecture I took a picture of just about every single one of them.

Very nice. I swear one day I will live in a house that has a plaque on it telling you when it was built and by whom. Oh my heart.

This was probably my favorite.

BROWN UNIVERSITY MOTHERFUCKERS!

Oh you have no idea, we walked the campus, pretended we were students, took pictures of everything. Went to the bookstore and bought sweatshirts. Yes I now own a brown BROWN hoodie. And yes I wear it, it may be the middle of the summer and sweltering but I will wear it anyways. And dream... dream a little dream of attending an Ivy League school... that I should have done regardless. Why did I doubt myself?!? I could've been an Ivy Leaguer. FML. This was the highlight of the trip.
Um, so the grass at BROWN was the prettiest grass ever and I had to roll around in it.

We walked Providence for 7 hours that day. Went to Indiefest for a bit, which was all local bands on 4 stages and lots of local merchants. I have so many photos!!!! That night also led to meeting some of Juhi's friends (who were fucking awesome) and hanging out til 4 in the morning.

Dancing at some bar.

Baby Got Back was playing. Much dancing.

Sunday we went to the beach in Cape Cod. Gregg, Juhi's friend, invited us up to Sandwich, Mass and we went! It was a super cute town and the perfect ending to the weekend.

There are many beach photos. We hung out here, I got some color and then we headed out to this little boardwalk that Gregg wanted to show us. Super cool and would have been romantic for a couple.

It was effing gorgeous on this boardwalk. Love the photos that I got from there. We went to eat after this and then headed back to Rhode Island. Then Cassie and I got our shit together and headed home. It was about 11:30pm and we did not want traffic in Connecticut so we were willing to make the trek back that late at night. This time we got home in 3 hours. Cassie was home at 2:30 and I was home before 3.

Dear Connecticut,
Like a prostitute, you are best visited under cover of darkness.
Love, Us

262 photos later it was an amazing weekend. Ok so if I make a Flickr account, I can attach my photos to here right? Cus my photos are kind of fun if you want to go through them. I would be welcome for any information you have on how to make that work.

And now I take my leave of you. I have another couple blogs in me... one about dishonesty (had an experience) and of course another about the boy in the band that I love. And I'm sure I will have plenty about school once it is all done. This was not quick or dirty. Sorry I lied.

Stupid FedEx

2009-07-20T16:53:00.001-04:00

They have my laptop and are making it supremely difficult to get it back. I shall succeed tho. You have no idea the separation anxiety I am having. Spent the whole weekend in Rhode Island and Cape Cod. Depending on the laptop there will be pictures later. Let me just say I spent a lot of time in the grass at Brown rolling around like an idiot. Man I wish I had gone to that school. WTF was I doing with my life. Anyways, more later. How was everyone's weekend?

Hey it's a bday follow-up!

2009-07-14T08:10:00.011-04:00

Be excited kids... I got pictures and the whole nine yards. Friday was a long day! And now I'm 27 WOOOOHOOOO! Yeah I am that excited. Don't ask why, cus I haven't quite figured that out. The day started with work, as you can tell because I updated. I seem to do most of my blogging while sitting at my desk. After work... it was all about Sx and lunch. Then:
Yeah it was time to strip down and do my first shoot. I got past the first round in the application, the only way to get that Suicide name was to do the photos. "Modeling" was a bitch. That shit hurts. I am not used to smiling so much, nor not breathing for so long, nor being naked in natural light. She shot about 200 pictures which will be whittled down to about 50 and then submitted. I saw 2 and one of them was awesome. When your photographer goes "And that's the one that will make you a suicide girl", you know that some sort of magic happened. Cross your fingers for me folks!

After all that hard work, one must be rewarded with food. Especially hot, cheesy, fattening deliciousness. I give you 4 cheese Mac and Cheese at S'Mac in NYC. Extraordinarily good.

Be excited kids, this is Wizard of Oz under the stars at South Street SeaPort. Yes... The Wizard of Oz, my most favorite movie in the whole world. WHOLE WORLD. We almost made it for the whole thing but it was freezing and people are fucking annoying. I moved two inches and got assaulted by fingers and being told that the person behind me could no longer see. It's on a BIG FUCKING SCREEN, if you cannot see it then you need to talk to your eye doctor, not me. Thank you much. I take it as a sign that Oz was playing on my birthday. We are connected. I love it.

Time for the fair! We schlepped it back to Jersey and went to the fair! I am not one for this stuff but my friend has never been to the state fair in Jersey and it was time to change that. So we wandered around playing games and just hanging out. On facebook, we have decided that this sort of looks like it should be an album cover. I dig it. This is a good portion of us all together!

Another first for me that night... the ferris wheel. I hate heights, ferris wheels frighten me. It was gorgeous at the top but when that thing started to move I almost crapped my pants. It went around 4 times and every time I thought I might die. This is a photo from the top. Carnivals are just fucking pretty from that high up. This will probably never be a repeat performance.

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Big dog, my friend won it for me! It was good to be the birthday girl. Oh do you see that lunchbox? That was my "purse" for the evening. If you ever want to buy me something pretty I collect metal lunchboxes. I'm just throwing that out there. It was very fitting for the evening with Wizard of Oz. That dog is amazing. There is no where to put him but I love him none the less. River won me a pink gorilla too! It was a good night for presents. I love them both.

This is where the night stopped being fun. They had a petting zoo at the fair and an elephant walking around in a circle in the parking lot. I walked through just to love the animals a little bit but had to speed up and get out of there cus I was crying so hard. Yes, you heard me, CRYING. I couldnot handle the conditions these animals were in. I mean none of them looked abused and I'm sure someone loves them (this may just be me trying to make myself feel better) but they seemed so sad. I was practically sobbing. SOBBING, I tell you.
Which reminds me of another thing we saw that night. Early on, there was one of those sideshow freak tents about the smallest women. We joke about my one friend being tiny so we wanted to walk through. We thought it would be like all those other ones that just have things in jars and statues of all the things they are talking about. No, not this one. It was a woman, on a pillow, just sitting there. A REAL WOMAN. A REAL, TINY WOMAN. It was kind of the most horrific things I've ever seen. Not the fact that she was tiny or anything, but that we paid a $1 to walk through this tent to look at a woman on a pillow. She looked miserable, it was just so awkward. I will never ever do that again. I learned my lesson. I will also never look at a petting zoo again, unless it is on a farm.

I almost forgot to put this in. Look at that makeup and hair. Yeah, like a tranny hooker. Sx did a damn good job making me look presentable for this shoot. I didn't wash my hair til last night. Yep, count it, that's 4 days. I was a grimey disgusting mess but that's okay. My hair looked hot. And I got to see the bestie that I'm totally in love with. So I will take grimey. Seriously, more make-up than a tranny hooker. It was so weird to have all that shit on me... but SG here I come!!!

Ok that was my 27th birthday. I was up for somewhere between 30-40 hours. Good times. Lots of love folks. Now time for me to catch up on my blog reading. <3

Hey 100th Post!!!!

2009-07-10T08:32:00.003-04:00

Well it's pretty fucking convenient that this is my 100th post... or at least by what blogger is telling me, there might be a few in there that haven't made it up... so this could be a huge lie. Either way this is why:

Today is my birthday!!!!! WOOOOOOHOOOOO! Do not ask why I am so excited to be 27. I hated last year's birthday... but this year. I'm all about it! That's about it for today. There will be much celebrating and fun times to be had. Thanks for stopping by if you are.

Skinny Days

2009-07-08T09:22:00.002-04:00

i LOVE skinny days. it's pretty effing nice today. Well now that my pseudo period bitch is gone, things are feeling a bit better. for the first time in 3 weeks... yes it took 3 weeks for the bitch to finally show up, try to kill me and leave... i do not feel like a fat bloated cow. or maybe it's the pointy black heels with my new jeans and black shirt. i'm so edgy and hip today LOL.

Suicide Girls has started taking over my life. I do believe that on Friday, my birthday, hint hint, that I am going to do my first set. Trying not to think about it too much because I don't want to freak myself out. Not about my birthday, about the stripping down to my nothingness and displaying the goods for naked, but tasteful pictures. I have all the faith in the world in Sx, who is taking the pics. And she knows not to let me see them until she has photoshopped the hell out of them. Or I will cry and hate myself and not celebrate my birthday. Thank god i like my vagina or I would up shit's creek trying to do this. LMAO... yeah I just laughed out loud in my office. Scared a couple of old ladies. I look like a crazy person now. But anyways, I really like this having a whole other persona on there. I mean, at the end of the day, it's just me but still. Most people don't know my real name, don't know jack shit about me actually and it's nice. I like making friends. Or whatever you call these internet relationships. Haha... I would tell you about one amazing encounter but I don't think that would be accepted here. I need myself an X-rated blog for these things that go on SG sometimes.

Whoa I'm tired. I just zoned out for like 5 minutes. Ok back to work my loves. Leave me some sugar.

Mama Kat

2009-07-08T08:43:00.005-04:00

If you click on that title right below it will take you to Mama's Losin' It, I LOVE her blogs and her fun writing assignments. So this week I will actually do one on time! Woot!

Your Assignment, Should You Choose To Accept

Directions:
For you newbies it's never to late to jump in!! Here is what you must do. Choose a prompt that inspires you most. Write. Come back Thursday and paste your blog URL into the Mister Linky that will be up...this way anyone can click on your name and head over to your place to see what you wrote.

Feel free to write on more than one prompt if you so desire. I do it all the time, but it's my game...and I don't know how to shut-up...so it should be expected. And remember the more comment love you give, the more comment love you get so comment comment away.

The Prompts:

1.) Tell us about a "dirt cheap" you've taken this summer.
(inspired by Anti-Supermom)

2.) When I grow up I want to be like...
(inspired by Jenny Says What?)

3.) Describe a difficult moment that you survived.
(inspired by Sarah M.)

4.) List 5 things you like to do while camping...or 5 places you'd like to go.
(inspired by Kisatrtle)

5.) What are you paranoid about?
(inspired by Melissa)

I think I might do more than one, yeah I'm feeling ambitious. Crazy stuff I know... let me get through at least one and then we will talk about another one.

5 Places I'd Like to Go:
This reminds me of a thing my friend sent me yesterday... hang on let me find it... here we go:

TFLN: (917): yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.

I'm not one for posting up from the texts from last night but my god that is funny. I love a good Jersey joke. That being said, this is the list of places I would want to go that are not Jersey:
1. Salem, Mass. (I love this place, it's like my second home. Be there in 9 days)
2. Savannah, Georgia (Ghost stories and plantation homes. Very much so)
3. Europe - specifically England, Amsterdam and Germany
4. New Orleans (not during Mardi Gras)
5. Oregon (the birthplace of Traditional Chinese Medicine in America)

This list could go on for days. Let's see how many I can see. I get a month off in between semesters. I would like to set a goal to go somewhere new each break.

OOOOO... I'm gonna do it.
What am I paranoid about?

So we moved last month as I have previously written about, not exciting. However there is a bridge that I have to drive over back and forth to get from home to work. I hate bridges as it is but this bridge is one of those ones that opens up for passing boats. Let me tell you nothing is worse than sitting on that skinny bridge, next to an 18 wheeler, waiting for that bridge to go down. Instant panic attacks that the bridge will collapse, I will fall to my death, the road will be slippery from rain and there I go right off the edge... etc. Oh and let me just mention that a couple years ago, the sister bridge next to it was open one night and now it's named after the EMT's that went over cus they didn't realize it was open and died. In the winter. I travel these bridges at all times of the day. Freaks me the hell out.

Oh and also now that I am back in school and taking tests again I have this weird paranoia. This really came up during midterms. I go in to these tests and I'm all like "yeah I studied, I'm going to do well". And then I do (maybe this confidence is just in my head) but when I leave and until I get the test back I get this crazy panic feeling that I marked the wrong answers to everything. Like I looked at the test, knew the answer was B and put C cus my brain and my writing hand don't work well together. LOLOL.

Ok, I feel accomplished this week. Feeling good.

Friend Making Monday*

2009-07-06T19:32:00.008-04:00

* yes, I know it's Tuesday. At least I make the effort thank you much. hahaha.

So I figure I want to start being more active on here and making friends so why not join in on some of the fun activities. This week Friend Making Monday is being sponsored by Kelli at Outside My Kitchen Window while Kasey is on vacation with her family! So here is this week's topic:

Tell us about your BFF...where did you meet, was it BFF at first sight, how long have you been friends, etc.

What makes him/her your BFF...what is it about this person that makes him/her so special to you?

And without further ado... let me introduce my bestie and my favorite lush:

There she is ladies and gentlemen, Cassie. This is my sister, my traveling gypsy and the woman that will always be my heart. She is the black to my white cookie. She loves the sun while the sun and I are mortal enemies. We are meant to be forever. I may tear up... forgive me. She has been away for a few weeks teaching and visiting family in South America. She will be home for exactly11 days before I hopefully can drive her/with her to the airport and drop her off for her year of teaching in JAPAN. Yes, the bitch is moving across the world for a year. Who the hell am I supposed to call when I have a freak out, an emotional breakdown, when my mother makes me want to hurt myself, when I ace a test, when I start my first clinic shifts as a holistic health care practitioner? Then again I will see her in November, she if flying into LA for a friends wedding and I'm going to meet her there and be her date for a week.

So, we have known each other since high school. We did not like each other, we had a mutual friend who was POISON. The first semester after high school I was living down the hall from her with one of her best friends and it just all started then. We bonded and over the next year it developed and grew every time she came home from school in Florida. Then she moved back to Jersey and convinced me to transfer to Rutgers. And after my first semester there she moved to Hawaii. The bitch. I am noticing a pattern of her leaving. She always come back to Jersey but she is my traveling gypsy. I wish I was able to travel the world with her, one day I will. I admire her for so many things. Sometimes she drives me bananas but at the end of the day my life would be completely empty without her. She is an inspiration to me and I love her with all my heart. Damn you waterworks. I knew this would be a hard one to do... but I will persevere. Exactly 7 days til I can look at her pretty brown face (cus after being in Cali surfing and in South America bitch is gonna be purple) and then in 10 days we hit the road for a full weekend of besties! Thank something. Then she leaves me.

I just wanted to put this photo cus it was taken at her Aunt's house and its a brownie in the shape of a heart. And it reminds me of her. We've been through a lot in the last almost decade. And I hope that one day we will be those little old ladies that go on dates with one another. Cus if we don't grow old with anyone else, at least we will have each other.

a few moments in my life

2009-07-04T12:58:00.002-04:00

So this is really embarrassing but so funny I must share. The other day I was sitting around with River and one of our friends and was like "let's play some left for dead or some Halo". We were bored and I thought a rousing game of killing zombies would be ideal. So of course, we start to get all the xbox remotes out and the game. This is where it gets embarrassing... there weren't enough batteries for all the remotes. So of course River is all "I know they were in there, where the hell did they go?" At this point, I have to hang my head in shame, run upstairs and come back down with said batteries. They both look at me and knew EXACTLY where I went to get the batteries from.
My rabbit needed carrots... LMAO

Don't Yell at me

2009-06-29T17:02:00.002-04:00

You know a surefire way to make me become unhelpful really really fast? Yell at me. Oh and don't forget accuse me of doing something wrong towards you. I hate people sometimes. And I'm sorry these patients were of a certain nationality, I do not want to be racist but it seems to happen mostly with them. So I do not know why I was surprised to get such an ugly phone call. I tell everyone that calls the exact same information and this woman is telling me that I told her there would be reimbursement. I'm sorry but when you go to the doctor your health insurance card is not a debit card. Nor is it a bank that automatically pays for your visit. Yes, you will have to get out your credit card or your money and pay me cus guess what? The doctor is NOT FUCKING FREE. Yeah, she went through 8 years of med school so that she can treat your fucked up back for free. Are you stupid? Like really at one point when she was asking why she had to pay the office visit fee I wanted to ask her that exact question. REALLY?!? Are you kidding me? Wow... enough of that. Sometimes I really hate people... oh and she yells at me for the payment and she made us wait 2 hours for her to show up cus she called as an emergency. We waited over an hour after we closed because we told her we would take her. Her 30 minutes til we get there turned into 2 hours. Let me tell you, one of the last times I will be that helpful for someone that I do not know in the office.

In other things... I got through midterms. Let me tell you... that midterm for fundamentals... it was a doozy. I appreciate the way she did it though because she showed us what boards could be like. They aren't going to be super easy. I got an 89, would have been better if I hadn't made stupid mistakes, but I hopefully have learned from it and will now know what to expect on the final. I'm not going to fail any of my classes but I really need to buckle down and study hard for the last 7 weeks. The foundations (essentially my history class of China and Chinese Medicine) midterm was 4 essays (take-home). It was 5 pages long and included a lot of the knowledge that he gave us over the first 6 weeks. It was fun though, they were not strict questions they were very "you're having a convo with your Aunt Eleanor, what would you tell her about this...." types of questions. The bio midterm, was bio. I hate biology and I am not excited for the 2 science classes I have to take next semester. At all. Though I do get to take my Anatomy I class with Milo look-alike. That's delicious in all ways... be a little nicer if he would cut his effing hair. His shirts for the last couple of weeks have been his size so it is nice to see the runner body but my god man... cut your hair. There are females in the room lol. Give us some eye candy.

Made my schedule for next semester. No clinic hours for me yet, I must take it a bit slowly so clinic will be in the winter semester. For now I will have Tui Na Hand Techniques and Tui Na Structural Techniques, Anatomy I, Principles of BioChemisty, Fundamentals 2 and Herboloby I. I didn't take anatomy this semester so I can't do acupuncture points yet. PPPPPPOOOOOOOOPPPPP. But I'm okay with being in school a bit longer than everyone else. I have a good job and I need to keep it. Without it I can't afford to go to school! Vicious cycle if I do say so myself.

Somedays it's a bit scary knowing that I have been at this job for 1.5 years. I miss waiting tables sometimes, I'm sure I will eventually go back to it for a bit. Just for the fast money! But until then. What's scarier is knowing that I potentially have this job for practically the next decade. Job security my friends, job security. Now I just wish the money tree would grow in my backyard and then I would have monetary security. Cus right now the lack of money is frightening. FRIGHTENING. When I get my refund check in September I am correcting what went wrong this time.

I will be 27 in 11 days. Commence the freaking out. Plans are shaping up though so it will most certainly be fun! Please don't rain mother nature. PLEASE. By July though, it is usually hotter than balls here on the East Coast, in the armpit of the United States. We have no middle ground. Ok this is a long post. Back to work for me. Then home to do some studying and some reading!

Such ugly layouts

2009-06-27T10:19:00.001-04:00

Ok can someone tell me where I can find better layouts? Blogger layouts suck and it really really makes me want to go over to my wordpress blog and make that super active. LOL...

A-Z Challenge

2009-06-26T19:37:00.005-04:00

http://atozchallenge.blogspot.com/

I found this skimming through some other sites and am now going to do this one! I'm going to go back to the books that I read before school started and hope that I have some of the letters done. And somehow I will figure out how to make this into a button for the side of my blog. Easy access.

A: American Gods by Neil Gaiman

C: Coraline by Neil Gaiman

D: Driving with Dead People by Monica Holloway

F: Fame Junkies by Jake Halpern

S: Stardust by Neil Gaman

T: True Grace: The Life and Times of an American Princess by Wendy Leigh

I finished a book!

2009-06-26T19:09:00.004-04:00

True Grace: The Life and Times of an American Princess

Soooo over at http://findyournextbookhere.blogspot.com/ a new blog that I totally am enamored with because it's all about books she has all these book blogging things she is involved in. I really like a bunch of them and want to attempt some. This is one I'm going to try and do because with school I don't think I can get through many of the other ones: http://atozchallenge.blogspot.com/. I have chosen to do the A-Z Title Challenge. I will keep you updated and add a post about just it so I can follow my list.

Anyways this book was awesome. Grace Kelly was a bit of a slut. Is that awful to say? Let's just say that she got around Hollywood, and you know what? Who the hell cares? I love that she was free spirited and did not restrain herself. It is also funny that in the introduction to the book Wendy Leigh tells the reader that if you a certain set of beliefs about Grace Kelly and do not want to spoil them then her book is not for you. She got juicy details and didn't hold back in her biography. I think that's what made it even better!
And hot damn Princess Grace was beautiful. What a tragic ending though. She knew she was going to die in a car accident and she did. Now I want to go watch some of her movies, it's a shame she had to give up her acting career when she married the Prince of Monaco. More to update later!

Hi to all the people visiting

2009-06-19T11:32:00.002-04:00

It's pretty cool to see all these people on my visitor list. But hey leave me some love! Even if it's anonymous. My blog is not exciting in any sort of way but let me know you are here!

My phone has been acting funny since the 3.0 update. Damn you iPhone, I will plug it back in later and try to make it work better. And where the hell is my video feature? And my MMS, late summer my ass. Ridic.

Planning a weekend to Rhode Island and Massachusetts in July. Yay! Then I will come home and gear up for finals. The new schedule comes out today for the Fall... yippy. Quite a few classes to take next semester. I hope Milo look-alike prof teaches one of them. I would like something nice to look at as I struggle miserably through more science. What the hell was I thinking? That will be my mantra for the rest of my time.

Had acupuncture done on Wednesday. It was lovely. Totally fell asleep with the needles in. They gave me some pills to take to break up the blood stagnation that I have going on right now and to build my yin. Did that just sound like Charlie Brown's teacher to you? Bet it did.

Mama Kat Wednesday on Friday

2009-06-19T09:49:00.002-04:00

Yeah I know that it's Friday but better late than never? Does that work? I hope so. Please believe me I would have done this on Wednesday had I not been taking midterms and trying hard not to kill myself for going back to school. What was I thinking?

So here is prompt one from this week:

1.) Grab your current read. Let the book fall open to a random page and share two “teaser” sentences from that page, somewhere between lines 7 and 12.

"She would receive me in a marvelous housecoat. Very proper and very elegant, but without any makeup and she was ravishing"

It sounds kinda dirty don't it. But it is not. It's from the book True Grace by Wendy Leigh about Grace Kelly. So far I'm loving it.

Now go hang out with Mama Kat, she's hysterical and has great kids (most days LOL) and she wants to be on Ellen! Ok I dont know what the hell is up with my blogger so I will give you the link typed out... stupid blogger. http://mamakatslosinit.blogspot.com/

Current thoughts on being blonde

2009-06-15T16:07:00.002-04:00

The boys seem to like it. Am I now a piece of meat? Is it cus these boys now think I am stupid? Yes this blog will be littered with awful things about blonde stereotypes, get over it. Today my boobs are out, or rather my lack of boobs. Is this now acceptable because I am blonde? LOLOL... this is fun. I'm also wearing heels, who knows maybe blonde makes me feel sassy.

It was a good weekend, busier than I thought it would be, much less studying than I thought there would be. Saturday I spent 4 hours with my hair stylist, making me a blonde. And we are not talking dirty blonde, I am some Irish Cream base blonde and then some super bleach blonde chunks. Crazy talk. I kept laughing the entire time. This is the girl who will take blue-black any day or give me a pretty red. Now I'm all ready for summer with a head of blonde hair. He is also down for being my SG stylist. Which is this upcoming Sunday... who's nervous? Not me, no way, how could I be nervous to get naked and take pictures that will then be posted on the internet? Man oh man, good thing I'm going into a field where I can own my own business.

I have had this conversation with some of my friends though, all about be careful what you do cus this can be put on the SG dvd, the calendar (i wish I was hot enough for the 12 months of a calendar), or in a book like the one that I have sitting in my house. Is it wrong that I'm like "are you kidding me? If they put me in the book it will be on my coffeetable. Eff that." I want people to flip through and be all like "Whoa, is that you?" So that I can then respond "HELL YEAH BABY!" Oh, Suicide Girls, here I come. I find it so funny how my greatest ambition right now is to strip naked and be a Suicide Girl. Not volunteer for Habitat for Humanity, not run a 5-k, but to strip naked. Take the bull by the horns I guess.

The rest of Saturday consisted of Hibachi for a friend's birthday, surprising everyone with my new hair and then going to see the boys play. Sadly, they had to end at 1 am so we only got to hear 5 songs. LAME. The place was packed. Okay as I said in one of those last posts I am having a tough time getting over a crush. Why must he seem so perfect? Damn you kid. Anyways, seeing him Saturday, it's officially over. I think it is a combination of the girl he likes (but isn't dating cus he's actually aware that it is too soon for him to date, though as I write this watch him ask her out) and the fact that he likes to throw the "bestie" word around and not back it up. I hate people that don't follow through. He loves that I'm super honest and don't bullshit. So why you gotta bullshit me honey? Sad and quite lame. Or maybe he's totally in love with me and doesn't want to admit it. I would take that as a reason too, but for fuck's sake let's be honest. Quite the turn off to hear things and get no back-up you know what I'm saying? But hot damn do I love that kid. LOLOL. In 30 years we will marry and grow old together. Then again, there are a ton of hot, tattooed boys out there for me to crush on.

And now back to work. So much studying to do. Final tomorrow morning! Yay!

Sunday June 14

2009-06-14T14:09:00.000-04:00

Yep, I got nothing for a title again. But bestill my heart, it's not effing raining today. FINALLY. had my hair done yesterday, i'm a blonde now. WOOOOOO... it's creepy. that's all.

time to study for midterms!

Hello

2009-06-12T10:37:00.003-04:00

It's been a bit. How are you? That's wonderful to hear. Me? I'm doing well. Keeping busy with school and work. Next week I have a final for one class that should be a piece of cake if we go by the midterm (which I got a 105 on, cus yeah I got all the extra credit right too). And I have one midterm in class (little scary) and one take home midterm (not so scary) and the following week I have my bio midterm (super scary). Though if, at the end of the semester, Milo Ventimiglia would like some action for a better grade, I'm down. He's married and he teaches a bunch of the science classes at the school, but awkwardness aside, I totally want him to throw me down on a desk and have his way with me. I just wish he would stop wearing shirts that look like they were made for a man twice his size. (sidenote, as I wrote man, I typed moan - hmmmm?). Gonna be a nerd and join Student Council, cus yeah I wanna.

The new apartment is coming along. A few reasons I love it: All the space for the puppies, the library is a block away, quick chek is on the corner, I have lost 6 pounds since moving there because we no longer have a backyard for the dogs and no parking permits, so no tickets for not having "resident" in my window. Just a few reasons so far. I will put up some pics of the way things are coming along soon. My camera died at the NIN/JA show the other night, well not so much die as the stabilizer went all batty. So my videos rock but I look like I'm having an epileptic fit. I will put up some pics from last weeks show. It was an emotional evening watching Trent Reznor sing the songs that define my life. And when he sang "hurt" (which will be going on my body, in tattoo form, in its entirety) I lost my nerve. As did many people but the tears were streaming down my face. WOW, that was a tangent huh? So hopefully the camera will be back and I can take photos of the progress. Plus I'm going to a couple of shows next week and I NEED a camera.

I am trying to get over my crush on a boy but it is hard. Though I will not tell him that. Damn guitar playing/singer musicians covered in tattoos that are the perfect specimen of man. DAMN YOU! I want to marry this kid. There doesn't need to be any hanky panky but marry me and it's all good. He knows, don't worry. We are also good friends besides my stupid adolescent crush that I have had on and off for the last 7 years.

Back to work. Think I will go home and clean a bit today. It is needed. I also need an effing mattress. Like soon. Very soon.

Moving sucks arse

2009-06-05T07:46:00.003-04:00

Well it has been an eventful week. We moved. From our box of an apartment with a backyard, to what can technically be called a small house. We have the 2nd and 3rd floors of a house in a new area. I'm sure I've gone over the description but it's pretty fucking sweet. Not gonna lie about it. Though packing sucks and unpacking sucks more, especially when you have so much space. However I now have my own room and River has his own room. Mine is full of bookcases and will be for me to study. River's is full of his action figures and dvd's. We are way too selfish to think about kids or anything else LOL.

And puppy, in the middle of it all of course has an emergency.

Yeah so he got a spider/mosquito/bee/gopher bite which he must have messed with that then abscessed and he ripped open. So the vet had to open it more, clean it out, shave his head and put an e-collar on him. That is my brilliant puppy. He is miserable but healing. Back to the vet on Monday and hopefully all will be well. Damn dog. And he had a reaction to the sedatives they pumped into him so he had the runs ALL night and when I say all night I mean we were walking at 3am so he could pee out his butt. I love him though and wouldn't trade him for the world. My poor baby.

Did I say that I aced my quizzes last week? Oh well I did! Took a bio quiz yesterday, did better than the first one but that's probably not saying much. Had to drop Tai Chi, cus my abdomen is just not healed enough yet to handle that class. Makes me sad. But I will take it again in a few semesters. Today I need to go home and dedicate myself to studying. I missed most of my classes this week due to flu-like symptoms that knocked me on my ass. Actually knocked me onto the couch for 20 or so hours.

Back to work now!

having some foresight

2009-05-30T10:12:00.003-04:00

i uploaded all the photos from the swap and put them into blogger. now i just have to put it all together. seeing as i am moving, starting yesterday and mostly today i will hopefully be able to edit the post and get it up shortly! yay! i got some awesome stuff. and am worried that mine will pale in comparison lol.

ok debate topic: Let's say you are out in a social situation. You meet someone, you say hi to various strangers, do you know within the first two minutes if you would have sex with them? We are not talking relationships or actually even doing the deed... just do you know if you would bump uglies with them? It was a topic of great debate over the interwebs between some friends of mine the other night. One person was on one side and everyone else was on the other... I'll tell you later after you answer.

Mamarazzi!

2009-05-30T01:51:00.012-04:00

Thank you Mamarazzi for this awesome idea! I loved participating and hope to do another one in the future! And please forgive me for taking so long. It just happens I got my items as I was moving. But I got them together and here they are! And stop by and check out my swap partner:

Not gonna lie, when the delivery guy walked in with this box my first thought was a scary one. Basically, I work in an office with one other person, "who the hell wants to blow us up?!?" But then I read the label and figured it out... though I did open the box very, very carefully HAHAHAH.

Let's start with the movie: The Boondock Saints... AWESOME MOVIE. On the note attached: The tagline for the movie says it all "Brothers, Killers, Saints." The guys in the movie are hot and they have Irish accents.

So true! I must concur about the hotness and especially with the accents. Delicious!

Then there is some quick dry nail polish, hopefully I can find my nail polish remover in this mess of my new apartment, so I can try this out! I like anything quick dry and easy breezy.

We have Ken Follett's The Pillars of the Earth, which if you browse through the about me on her blog you will know is her favorite book. The note on it says: i re-read this book every year and still get caught up in the story. The book was passed down from our grandmom, mom, aunt and uncle and it was their favorite too.

If so many people recommend this book, then when school is done I will have to read it! Can't wait actually.

There is a Chef Boyardee Pizza kit that her mom got her and her sisters addicted to when they were younger. I'm down with a "yummy pizza" night and don't worry your secret is safe with me! I do believe that River called this right out of the box, the man loves pizza and totally freaked cus he didn't know this existed. LOL

She also included water mixed, cus it's true sometimes you need something with flavor. I understand that completely and I'm gonna have to open this bad boy up and get on it! I drink a ton of water but anything to liven it up and make it more enjoyable is welcome to me!

Last, in the picture, is the Tastefully Simple Caramel Creme Latte Mix. How did you know Caramel is my favorite? I'm gonna crack that book open and drink some of this and have a damn good night! And if I get addicted to it, expect a request!

And last but not least, I packed the candle so it would not break during the move and I'm sure I will find it soon, but I'm lucky enough to have taken individual pictures beforehand. This is a Green Tea Candle that she loves because of its "really fresh scent". I love candles and sent some along to her! We were meant to be swap partners! As soon as I'm all moved in I will be enjoying this on a hot summer night.

And that is my swap! I loved it, Mamarazzi you are a genius and thanks for the new friend!

SWAAAAAAAAAAAP!

2009-05-27T11:11:00.002-04:00

I got my package in the mail today! Unfortunately I do not have time to do it justice right now, so maybe later tonight? If not definitely Friday!!!! WOOOOOOT! I cannot wait to open it. I really hope my doesn't suck (the one that i sent, not the one I received!) Talk to you soon!

Midterm yesterday was a piece of cake... the quizzes I have today frighten me! Wish me luck.

season finale time of the year

2009-05-20T10:54:00.002-04:00

Yeah, this will most likely be about 90210, cus really Grey's Anatomy? Sorry, shoot me if you want, but I hope Izzie is dead. Eff Katherine Heigl, you got your Emmy nominee story line this year. And you got to see dead people. Now the George storyline, what the hell? If you are going to release him, you couldn't just let him go off and be a trauma doctor? You have to show us how amazing he is (we already knew he was a great guy). But Really???!? A bus? That's just not right.

Now onto 90210. I love to hate it and I hate to love it. This show is AWFUL. But please don't cancel it, cus I don't know what else I would do. Oh and hey since Terminator got canceled on FOX, how about we bring back a little David Silver. And Brian Austin Green, don't tell me you are above this show, you just did a guest spot on CSI:Miami. Don't get me started on the acting of David Caruso (good season finale though). So head on over to the old zip code and give us some love. I digress, Ethan and Silver, totally didn't see that coming over the last few weeks, nope not at all. (please note sarcasm) Where was all this drama and excitement when I was in high school? And where the hell where these men? Ty and Liam - my god.... Liam, you can be half naked in my bedroom any day. Hell you can be half naked anywhere you want as long as I get to watch. Once again, I digress. Oh hell, I give up, all I can think about is Liam in his boxers. Oh and what a cuntrag of a sister Naomi has. What a cuntrag! And Annie, what the hell were you thinking? Can we get rid of her, replace her? I will pretend not to notice, cus that girl is awful. I'm glad Dixon is so astute to notice how Ethan was fawning over Silver. I would like to fawn over Ethan. I would also appreciate if Ethan or a boy/girl of similar attractive appearance would shove me against a tree and show me they like me like that LOL. That show is a bunch of horse manure, but I would like some of the painkillers that prego was give (why am I drawing a blank on her name).

I must leave from work shortly and head to school. Oh the fun, gotta refill my PATH card, gotta remember! So it looks like my Suicide Girl photoshoot will be in 3 short weeks. So the minimal eating, maximum exercise (for one still healing from surgery can do) plan has gone into effect! Sx and I came up with a damn fun idea and I will be helped out by my lovely tattooed friend that is a boy. Oh how I adore him. More on him later.

A bientot!

there must be more to this.

2009-05-19T16:10:00.002-04:00

That song came on the radio,
the one that belongs to you.
Memories flood my mind,
misbegotten summer nights and misspent youth.
I gave you the best years of my life
and all I have left are songs on the radio.

A work in progress, Gin Blossoms inspired me this morning. Be back later.

5.18.09

2009-05-18T18:20:00.002-04:00

yeah i'm back to dating my posts. i have nothing witty to put up there today. don't even know what i'm going to ramble about today. oooooooooo wait i just might.

has anyone heard of the suicide girls? i'm guessing many of you haven't but i will hold out hope that some of you have. so my biggest goal is to become one, don't ask me why a girl that hates to have her picture taken is driven to become an "alternative pin-up girl". well i want to have my first set up by july 10, my 27th birthday. seeing as i'm back in school again and won't be done til my early 30's i need to feel like i have accomplished something. hence, my weird desire to be a suicide girl. or maybe i just want to feel hot and this is the way i feel i can do it. either way, i submitted some preliminary (clothed) photos and was accepted! so i get to set up my model site, fill out the paper work, take the photos and hopefully they will be like "hey, she's pretty hot, let's make her an official Suicide Girl!" and not "oh man, what the hell were we thinking when we accepted this fat ass?" so today i shall sit down with my friend whom i trust to take the pictures and discuss what we want to do.

and now i will take my leave of you... be back later.

That spring crispness

2009-05-16T09:19:00.002-04:00

I really enjoy the crispness in the air in the morning. I especially like it when I get to work and it pours after I walk in the door! Thank something cus I decided not to drive to work today! And I am still dry! Good stuff.

Ok since my boss is in Canada and I am sitting here with a covering doc, I have time to update. I really should be doing work that I left for myself but it's all good. I can do that on Monday. I did bring my bio book to study though so that will happen immediately after updating.

River and I are moving... found a great apartment. I will miss our backyard that is for sure. It is nice to let the pups wander around the backyard and not have to worry about them while they play. Except yesterday when they decided they wanted to eat the baby gopher that wandered into the yard. That was fun trying to get between them and this little animal. BUT our new apartment more than makes up for the loss of a backyard and my fat ass could use the walking that the dogs will afford me. It is 2 floors, yes I said 2 floors! The first floor has the bathroom, living room, kitchen, a small bedroom and the room the previous tenant used for her computer room. The upstairs has the big bedroom and then this large open room with the attic slant and exposed brick. So basically River and I have decided that the second bedroom downstairs will be his office - which translates to the room where we put out all his toys and my lunchboxes. The computer room will essentially turn into a storage room if we need it for anything else then we will have it. The room upstairs will be my room to cover in all the posters that sit in tubes right now, my bookcases, a desk and pretty much where I can hide to do my homework and study. I will also throw the second tv in there and i can escape to this room! WOOOOOOHOOOOO! Biggest purchases to make in the next couple weeks: a bed and bookcases. Or shelves. I don't know how River wants to display all his crap. LOL. I'm so excited, the commute is a little extra but I'm super excited! And the best part of all it's only $75 more than what we pay for a box with a huge backyard! Really cannot beat that at all.

Spent Thursday in the Emergency Room, woke up that morning and couldn't stand up straight and it hurt all the way into my kidneys. You know it really hurts when I take myself to the emergency room. I'm really tired of ERs, bloodwork, urine tests, IVs and ultrasounds. Because of course everything came back normal. What else would it be? The doctor is confident he got everything out of my female reproductive organs so it really is now up to a GI doctor to tell me the next step. I have a feeling the endometrial tissue is on my stomach and intestines now. It has been growing for 6 years so why wouldn't it have migrated to all the other areas. FML.

This means that I missed class with Milo look alike, which makes for one unhappy kt. School is going well so far. It's intense and a bit insane but it will be good. Books came out to a little over $400. They are most certainly getting used.

I need a nap. I need to study. I need to stop thinking about you. I'm excited for the swap and how in a week I have to mail out my favorite things. I didn't realize it would be so hard to figure out my favorite things!

Why did I get up?

2009-05-13T11:28:00.002-04:00

Sooooo I suck. I know this. Amityville is no longer worth writing about. Let's just say that we saw the house. It was cool, it was also the middle of the night so a little spookier. It wasn't so much about the crazy shit that happened there, it was more that an entire family was murdered there that got me all fluttery in the stomach. I have a thing for serial killers, mass murderers, all that stuff like that. I think it stems from my mom handing me a book when I was 11, telling me it was a good book and I would enjoy it. And that book? Helter Skelter, which led to The Stranger Beside Me, which led to me reading the entire True Crime section at the public library. If there really is a list the FBI keeps, I am so on it.

Grad school is going to be intense. They say this is the easiest semester. FUCK MY LIFE. I will tell you all about my medical terminology professor who is Italian and the biology teacher that looks like Milo Ventimiglio from Heroes and Gilmore Girls. Bio will be nice this semester for that reason only. Those are the highlights.

I woke up with my period today. Sure this is normal for most people. This is the second one I have gotten in 2.5 years. I AM IN PAIN. I had surgery to make the pain stop. Guess what is not stopping. I want to crawl into bed and die. I have 8 hours of school ahead of me. When I get home I am collapsing. COLLAPSING. I am a pain med fiend today, kind of goes against the holistic career I am creating for myself. I want a Jamba Juice today. Think I will get one.

I promise

2009-05-08T10:12:00.002-04:00

by the end of the day to have a blog up that catches you all up on my mundane life. I mean I understand that not that many people care about this at all, but some odd reason I have guilt for not updating! I PROMISE to update you on my trip to Amityville, the horror house, boys in bands and grad school. All exciting topics I'm sure you will agree. Ooooo and all the fun, happy stuff that has happened this week!

<3

4.29.09 or a couple open letters

2009-04-29T16:34:00.002-04:00

Soooo I have a post all ready in my mind to go documenting a very interesting 4 days over the weekend, ending yesterday but I need to vent first. Then I will come back and do that post with photos mind you.

Dear Lady Who Cannot Control Her Children,
Do you see the waiting room? Do you see the size of this office? Since you do not this leads to my other question: Do you see a sandbox, monkey bars, or the soundproofing? Obviously not but it sure seems like you do. Nice fantasy world you live in. I'm glad you let your kids run rampant while the third one gets treated. Don't get me wrong, we have kids come in here all the time but THEIR parents are not complete and utter TOOLS with their parenting skills. I'm glad today you gave your daughter a piece of paper and a black marker and let her scribble all over the white couch in the waiting room. Can I tell you how fucking amazing it is that your kids go "I don't wanna wear my shoes" and you say "So take them off." Really lady? In a doctor's office? And I'm glad you let your son play in the closet. I don't even go in that closet if I can help it, that thing is so full of crap it's dangerous for adults. Oh and thank you for taking stuff out of it for your kid to play with. Which he then hit against the door of a treatment room with someone else in it who is NOT related to you. And I really love when he opens and then slams the patient room doors. And the jumping on the couch - brilliance, like a fucking trampoline. Makes for a good time for all. And please next time you want to make an appointment get a little more annoyed with me for not accommodating your schedule. You make everyone late every time you are here. I am not allowing you to come in on the busiest day of the week so that everyone has to suffer through your fucking children. And it really helps the calm, peaceful atmosphere we strive to create in the office when your children start to scream... and even more so when you start to scream back at them. Yeah I wonder where they get this behavior from. Maybe three kids is a little overwhelming, but you know what we have other moms with their kids in here and they behave. And do not expect me to entertain your brats. I like the children that are respectful and not obnoxious and rude. Some people should not breed... or maybe you should get some training which you can then pass on to your kids. If you will not sit your kids down, do not be angry when I do it myself.

Love,
Me

And one more, to someone I know very well.

Dear Me,
I love that you are a smart cookie. I love that you are skeptical of things you are told until it is proven to be true. But I hate the fact that you get attached to people whom you have no business getting attached to. Stupid, stupid, stupid girl. You are jaded and cynical. People come to you for advice because you tell it like it is and don't sugarcoat shit. Now what the hell is your problem?!? Sometimes people are just people. You know well enough not to listen to pretty words, promises and appreciation. STOP BEING STUPID. Or you are just asking for a world of pain and you will have no one to blame but yourself.

And... can you please take it easy? We had surgery 4 weeks ago, yes technically, it has been awhile, but the doctor said you have a couple more months until you are fully healed. You have at least a month before you can do strenuous activities. So stop trying to do 20 hour days with no rest. We have already had to go to the ER once since surgery, which led to a 3 hour doctor visit, which is leading to another doctor visit, at another office, in another town because you have worried your doctor. Good job a-hole. You DON'T have to take care of everyone, all the time. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. That is the most important. You can't do anything if you are laid up in the hospital. And you start school next week... remember your life gets twice as busy then. REST STUPID.

Love,
Me

Okay I'm glad I got that out about the mom. Man their visits annoy the hell out of me. Two apartments to look at tonight! I have no desire to pack. Whatsoever.

yeah yeah

2009-04-27T02:39:00.003-04:00

so tomorrow i will write a better update.

can i just say that i hate guys sometimes? like most of the time. i wish i was super hot, it would be interesting to see the difference in treatment. not that i get treated like shit - but friendships are so fucking weird. i'm annoyed right now. i'm gonna go be lame in a corner and not talk to anyone anymore.

4.22.09 or Happy Earth Day!

2009-04-22T11:35:00.001-04:00

Hello Beautiful!!! Courtesy of the NASA site. Happy Earth Day everyone!!!

90210 is garbage... how i love thee

2009-04-22T11:11:00.003-04:00

After watching last night's trainwreck of a 90210 episode.

Dear people that write the script, tape the show and put it all together,
Do you not realize that you have serious issues with a time warp? It was first noticed when what's her face... give me a minute... Adrianna found out she was pregnant. In the episode preceding that she was in a very tiny bikini on the beach with Naomi. Remember? So go to the episode where she finds out she is pregnant and by the end of the episode she has a belly. Really? You do know that in a matter of hours you do not inflate with child correct? Maybe it's just me but something about that incident just did not work. And it was not a matter of months that these two episodes spanned, it was days. That is it.

Now on to last night's episode. This time warp issue is killing me. Donna finds the perfect boutique for her store. And the next day she is having an opening???? Don't try to tell me that it was a few days... cus then the Naomi plot you threw at me really does not make any sense. Nothing moves that fast, well maybe Donna threw money down and that was done but really? Her store was completely ready to be opened the following day - with a shindig thrown? I'm sorry but you must live in an imaginary world - or Beverly Hills really is that amazing and magical. DOUBT IT.

Oh and can we please discuss the disgusting, monkey sex that Naomi is having. I am 26 - at my age that's a damn good thought. Especially with the boy that has the hot car. He is delish and that car is super sexy, but in your television world they are 16! Are you kidding me? These two teenagers are so overwhelmed by lust that they had to do it in the forest and in a Chinese restaurant's bathroom... REALLY?? I mean I understand that in high school you have raging hormones - and I grew up in an area that was affluent and know all the crap that kids like that get in to but REALLY? Actual teenagers are watching this show - not just us 20 somethings trying to recapture the glory of Beverly Hills 90210. This is not the greatest message to put out in the world. I mean are you stupid! Kids will emulate what they see on tv and maybe a torrid love affair with random sex acts is not the smartest way to go about it.

And no matter how much I yell at the tv about how bad this show is, I will be there next Tuesday at 9pm. DAMN YOU for being so bad it's good. (No, it's really just that bad, like a train wreck and I cannot look away.) However I am still not buying what you are selling 90210 people in charge. Fix your retardedness.

Love,
Me

Mamarazzi's Favorite Things Swap

2009-04-17T10:46:00.002-04:00

This just seems super cool and I visited some of the sites that participated last time and decided I want to join in! The rules are simple enough:
c.Put together an amazing package filled with YOUR Favorite Things. This should be a package that you yourself would LOVE to receive (just to be clear...you don't fill it with the favorite things you already have you go buy new stuff and send that...like a brand new tube of your favorite mascara, a new copy of your favorite book or movie etc. Everyone clear?).
d. The contents of package should cost no more than $30 but be at least $20 total (not counting shipping).
e. Send package ON Saturday May 23. (IF you need to send sooner please let me know, the purpose for everyone sending at the same time means everyone is receiving around the same time. This makes the most sense for posting and linking up as people receive their packages).

I'm excited!

The Alphabet Meme... here goes.

2009-04-13T02:40:00.004-04:00

Yeah the whole alphabet... it has been a shitty day and I cannot sleep. So why not bore the world with this meme and you can get to know me a bit better. And then later today I will tell you about how I want to escape my life and my relationship and about how I have a thing for someone that I should not.

The alphabet meme.

A.

Age:
26

Annoyance:
People who have fast cars and don't know how to fucking drive them. When people say they are going to do something and then don't do it. There are numerous answers to this A.

Allergic:
Lanolin, Amoxicillin, Penicillin, Codeine, Lithium, Aspirin, there might be more but I cannot remember them all.

Animal:
I love my dogs. Love them. I love all animals. I want to own a rescue one day. I love polar bears and black panthers, they are my favorites.

Actor:
I enjoy some Robin Williams and have developed the biggest thing for Joseph Gordon-Levitt. He is pretty freaking amazing and I love his indie movies.

B

Beer:
No thank you, I will pass.

Best Friend:
Cassie for the last 8 years or so. She's like a sister and I miss her when she travels the world. River most of the time. And oddly enough, I will make mention of Mike, it has been a weird relationship for the last 6 years but as he said this evening - you never know sometimes friendships just happen and people get close. And he has turned into a fantastic bestie.

Best feeling in the world:
When my puppies cuddle me.

Best weather
That time in the spring when I can wear flip flops and a t-shirt and not be cold.

Been in love?
Yes, of course. Love hurts. I want that movie love that seems so unreal and unattainable.

Been bitched out?
On a regular basis... but I am wicked quick and sharp, it will be returned.

Been on stage?
Yep yep, I played violin for a few years and was in chorus for a long time.

Believe in life on other planets?
Of course, why the hell not.

Believe in miracles?
Gotta believe in something.

Believe in magic?
I like me some magic.

Believe in God?
I believe there is something there, but I don't know about this belief in a higher power that is so discriminatory.

Believe in Satan?
I believe in evil.

Believe in ghosts?
I want to be a ghost hunter.

C

Car:
Jamison, my Saturn. I love him.

Candy:
Milkyways are delicious. Twizzlers and Gobstoppers make me happy too.

Color:
Black is my <3.>Cried in school?
Yeah I wouldn't be surprised. Probably mostly in 2nd grade. The parents were divorcing and it was a rough time.

Chinese or Mexican food?
Yes please!

Cake or pie?
Depends on the mood. But I do enjoy some apple pie, or peach pie, or pumpkin pie with whipped cream and ice cream.

Countries to visit:
England, France, Germany, Holland, Amsterdam, Poland, Costa Rica, Australia, Thailand, Iceland, Canada, Argentina, fuck I'll pretty much go anywhere.

D

Day or night?
I am a night owl. But I do love the daytime.

Dream vehicle:
Hello 1967 Corvette. Or pretty much any Corvette before 1980.

Dance in the rain?
I'm down. Let's do this.

Dance in the middle of the street?
I'm ok with this. And yeah I do this all the time.

E

Eggs?

Over easy please with french toast and lots of syrup. Yummy times.

Eyes:
They are blue. Very pretty if I do say so myself.

Everyone has a
secret and a dream.

Ever failed a class?
Yep. Shameful.

F

First crush:
I don't remember anymore.

First thought waking up:
Fuck.

Food:
I do love food... yummy delicious.

G

Greatest fear:
Snakes.

Gum
Yes. I cannot stand when people chew like cows though.

Get along with parents?
No. Haven't seen my dad since I was 7 and my mom kicked me out when I was 17.

Good luck charms:
Not really. I have a tiger's eye/Chinese good luck coin that I like to wear.

H

Hair color:
Don't quite know what it is naturally, but I do have a gray streak that showed up when I was 21. I am currently in a red phase.

Height:
5'4"

Happy?
It depends on the day.

Holidays?
I am not a fan. Unless it is Halloween. I love Halloween, want to move to Salem, Mass just so I can be surrounded by Halloween.

Health freak?
Not in the least... I'm a veg now that's about as close as I have gotten to health.

In (guys/girls)

Eye color?
I like all colors. I do not discriminate based on eye color.

Hair color?
The dark hair gets my motor running.

Height?
Taller than me is the only requirement.

Clothing style?
I'm not picky.

Characteristics
Sense of humor and a caring soul is always nice.

I

Ice cream:
Not so fond, but I do enjoy ben and jerry's.

Instrument:
I like boys that play instruments, like guitars and drums.

J

Jewelry
I wear various necklaces and plastic rings. That's about it.

Job:
I work for a chiropractor as her office manager and assistant. I start grad school next month to become an acupuncturist.

K

Kids
No thank you, unless Dave Navarro shows up on my doorstep and says that he wants me to carry his. Otherwise I'm good with being the cool aunt.

Keep a journal?
I try, for the things that I don't write here. But I suck at that as well.

L

Longest car ride?
To Pittsburgh.... never again.

Love:
I love my friends, I love River, I love my dogs and I love Dave Navarro.

Laughed so hard you cried:
Constantly.

Love at first sight?
Yeah, I might be corny like that.

M

Milk flavor:
I hate milk... cows don't even drink milk so why do humans?

Movie:
The Wizard of Oz, Grease, Across the Universe and now Adventureland.

Mooned anyone?
Of course, who hasn't?

Marriage?
No thank you.

Motion sickness?
Never. I'm that person that likes to read in the car.

N

Number of siblings:

2 brothers.

Number of piercings:
8 in my ears and 1 in my nose. I used to have and miss my: nipple rings, tongue ring, eyebrow ring, and labret.

Number
71 - my fave. 67 -makes me happy.

O

Overused phrases:
Lame sauce, Fuck, I want a break.

One wish
To be successful.

One phobia
Snakes and drowning.

P

Place you'd like to live
Salem, MA. San Diego, CA.

Pepsi or coke?
Dr. Pepper.

Q

Quail?
Huh? What?

R

Reason to cry:
Everyone has their own.

Reality tv?
I like RockStar with Dave. and pretty much everything on Bravo.

Radio station:
I stay away cus they mostly suck. But I do dig the classic rock station here.

Roll your tongue in a circle
My tongue does nothing exciting, I have no tricks.

S

Song?
Hurt by Nine Inch Nails, anything by Goo Goo Dolls

Sushi?
Love it!!!!!!!!! With some seaweed salad, sounds like a perfect meal.

Skipped school?
Guilty.

Slept outside?
It's been a long time but I like camping.

Seen a dead body?
A few and I did not enjoy it.

Skinny dipped>
nope, no way. not me, ever.

Shower daily?
I do, I love showers.

Sing well?
Not at all

Sing in the shower?
Sometimes.

Swear?
Have you read this at all? Like a sailor or actually worse than.

Strawberries or blueberries?
Strawberries. I spent a lot of time picking them off the bush and vine while growing up on a farm.

Scientists need to invent
Cures for cancer and AIDS and the money tree.

T

Time for bed:
Whenever my eyes start to shut, or when the sleeping pill kicks in.

Thunderstorms?
LOVE THEM, the louder the better.

U

Unpredictable?
I can be.

Under the influence:
In high school. I have never been drunk though. Came close a few weeks ago, but nope.

V

Vegetable you hate:
Peas and lima beans

Vegetable you love
Carrots, broccoli, peppers

Vacation spot:
I've been to Hawaii, California and Mass. I like a place with some history where I can walk around and enjoy the scenery.

W

Weakness:
My puppies. Going to good shows, boys with tattoos

Which one of your friends acts the most like you?
I don't think any of them. Cassie probably comes the closest.

Who makes you laugh the most?
River, Cassie,

Worst feeling:
Talking to my mother

Wanted to be a model?
Imma be a Suicide Girl, but I hate photos. Ironic I must say.

Where do we go when we die?
Who the hell knows

Worst weather:
When it's so hot you sweat just sitting.

Walk with a book on your head?
I don't see why not.

X

Ex-rays?
I had an accident once and I lost count after the 35th xray. All I know is the tech got yelled at for moving me around so much. I've had TONS of x-rays.

Y

Yellow
Had that on my walls once... big mistake.

Z

Zoo animals.
I don't like animals in cages but I figure they are taken care of a whole lot better than the ones in the puppy stores.

Zodiac sign?

Cancer. Through and through.

Catching up... Prompt Tuesday #49

2009-04-11T11:03:00.002-04:00

Yeah so it's not Tuesday and this was 2 Tuesday's ago over at San Diego Momma. So shoot me. I had surgery that day and was passed out for 3 days after. But I just like this prompt so much that I decided I had to do it. Though it might reveal way tooooooo much about my crazy.

The prompt is to pull something out of your purse/wallet and tell a story about it. So there are two things, that go hand in hand, that get moved from wallet to wallet. Depending on my mood and my desire to have these new cool wallets I see. Besides the normal mundane, boring credit cards and money that move I have a guitar pick and a cigarette butt. Yeah it's grimy and I DON'T CARE. Who's are they do you ask? Oh well they are Dave Navarro's. Yeah I'm a fucking freak. This I know. They are from one of the shows he played with The Panic Channel in May of 2007. I was given the pick and I soooo grabbed the cigarette butt. Wow, I'm a little ashamed of myself. But anywho, I have the man's autograph tattooed to my arm why not carry a little more of him everywhere I go! I cannot tell you what it is about him for even I do not know...

*Hangs head in shame* Maybe I should not post this. LOLOLOLOL

4.10.09 or this coffee is an epic fail

2009-04-10T08:37:00.002-04:00

So I order the coffee for the doc and I, I would say office but when there are 2 of you that is kind of stupid. Anyways, we always order a flavored coffee - this time around I thought I would try out Butter Toffee. Seeing as I enjoy the taste of toffee and caramel and all that good crap. Can I tell you that everytime I go to take a sip even with Vanilla Soymilk in it now it still smells like vomit? This is awful. I am so disappointed. I'm sticking with the regulars from here on out... I hate flavored coffee, tis not natural. Lame sauce I tell you.

I know that I should go and do stuff today, like take my car in to the mechanic for his check-up. Yes my car is a boy and his name is Jamison. Since River did drive him for 3 weeks and put like 3000 miles on him - and he's past due for some loving. But ummmm... I really don't feel like it today. I promise I will go get my new bank card but I think mechanic will happen on Monday. Thank you TD Bank for fucking up and not sending my card correctly before the end of the month and now 10 days into the month I am still without bank card and access to cash. And now that I am not lying on my couch in pjs I need to be able to get money. I am no longer able to really pull off the I'm in pain-you go get me stuff! Especially since I ran out of stuff for the pain yesterday and had to wait til I got home to get River (for he has his bank card), to get myself pain meds. This does not make for a happy kitty. AT ALL.

Fuck, today I'm hurting. But for the first time in 6 years I slept for 7 hours without waking up 3 times to pee. WHOA! Never thought that would happen. Thank you doctor. If I ever have a child, I might just owe you his name - or I'll just name my next dog after you. After I get the female that I will name Harley Quinn. Plans, people. I got them.

Back to work I go.

<3

4.9.09

2009-04-09T18:15:00.003-04:00

I can't come up with anything witty. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to ramble on about today... so I give up. So yeah... unoriginal, uninspired me has decided to date this/future posts.

Quote of the day/week/month/life:

"It's not about the money we make, it's about the passions that we ache for. What makes your heart beat faster? Tell me now what does your body long after..." Anberlin

Went to the dentist today, am I the only one that absolutely loves having my teeth cleaned? Even though I had to have a cavity filled it was still a good time. I <3 my dentist, the tech, the hygienist, and Nicole, the receptionist.

And onto the good stuff... saw the doc for my post-op visit. Sooooo sorry for the gross stuff but apparently I had stringy, tissue adhesions on my ovaries, pelvic wall, uterus and bladder. Quite ugly to look at in the pictures but now they are all gone!!!! YAY! So 2 more weeks until I can become the runner that I want to become. And 1.5 months until I'm allowed to do abdomenal centered work (i.e. crunches, pilates, etc). Yeah cus I do that so much... I should be healed completely in about 2 months. Fun times.

I was sitting on the suicide girls site today and can I tell you that I am super excited to apply and to shoot a set with Siouxsie at the end of this month??? I hate pics but nudie times here I come. Yeah sorry if that image upsets people LOL. Oh good times. But seriously some guys are super gross on that site, the dirty emails I have received are sometimes skeevy yet quite hysterical!

Wish I had funny random thoughts today... oh here's one... while I was speeding from one doc to the other. Why is it that people make fucking power moves in their car to only get in the other lane around traffic and then drive like molasses? And why always in front of me, even when I'm not in a rush.... DAMN YOU PEOPLE! hahaha.

And I don't think I am bipolar... I think this is the reaction to coming off Zoloft. I swear I can do it this time au natural. Spring will make me happy.

I have a friend. I like him. He makes me happy. I'm keeping him.

Now back to Facebook to continue working on a page for my favorite band ever, A True Story. Let's start a grassroots campaign to get them signed. More later.

<3

Some random thoughts

2009-04-08T15:51:00.003-04:00

Thank you San Diego Momma for coming to visit! It's nice when someone stops by my little corner and leaves some love.

Now some random thoughts:

- I felt sparkly today so I painted my nails a sparkly red color. I feel complete.

- Not being able to use a belt is a problem when your pants do not stay up and you have incisions in your abdomen. Hence the not being able to use a belt.

- Leaning against stuff HURTS when you have these aforementioned incisions in your abdomen.

- 90210 is my guiltiest pleasure, why in god's name I mention this here, and I hate the show. Yet I cannot stop watching it. AND TORI SPELLING is on next week. Can we just do a reunion show, eff these bi-polar, knocked-up, porn king kid, you're the one-you're not the one, my life cannot go on without you 16 year olds.

- After watching last night's guilty pleasure episode, I now think I am bi-polar.

- Watched Monday night's House and it hurt my heart. I understand that Kal Penn was offered an awesome job in Obama's White House, but SERIOUSLY suicide?? I watch this show for the snarky brilliance of House - NOT to CRY over Kutner.

- I have fantastic friends who took time out of their lives to babysit and take care of me last week when I was an invalid and I love them for it. Then I have some friends who kind of suck if I do say so myself.

- I have lost 5 pounds in the last week, I understand the liquid/painkiller diet is not all that healthy but food is not appealing, even a week after surgery. I would like to keep this small amounts of food diet up so I can continue to lose weight. I promise to throw in exercise and all that good stuff! And I have decided to stop calling myself fat, because I am not, I am curvy and out of shape LOL.

- Texting is evil. I have found the one person that I cannot text because he misconstrues everything I say and then gets mad and yells at me. And I cannot take the fact that he makes me cry. I am a retard. Damnet. It is not my fault that I am so fucking jaded I'm not used to people like him. Damn you SMS... damn you to hell, you broke me.

- I swear I am more positive ever since I went to my Tony Robbins seminar weekend. Yes, I said Tony Robbins-that man is awesome. Or I think I am, maybe not everyone around me concurs?

- I got accepted into the graduate program at Pacific College of Oriental Medicine and am pretty freaking excited even if it is $75,000 more of debt. Good debt, Katie, it is good debt. Keep telling myself this and I will be golden.

Okay wow I ramble a lot. I think I need to talk to someone about this manic-depressive thing LOL. Leave me some love... I am now going to visit my bloggie peeps and leave them some love.

-

I love pajamas

2009-04-07T10:48:00.002-04:00

I have been back to work since yesterday and can I tell you that I miss the freedom of being able to wear pajamas at all times and to nap at all hours. I am healing... slowly but surely I am healing. Lots of pain in the abdominal area but I am getting through it with some extra strength rapid release tylenol, since I'm an idiot and didn't fill my entire percoset order. How I love percoset and knowing that I am not allergic to it. That is all for now... I will be back later, cus it is time for me to take my ass home and nap. LOLOL

Ok yeah I'm sorry

2009-03-31T00:33:00.002-04:00

i know that it doesn't really matter cus no one actually reads this thing. i have surgery in 12 hours... not too worried about it but i'm in super amounts of pain. i need a more upbeat blog. i think i need to change some ish in my life so that this blog becomes exciting. got an idea to start a fun one with my friend... the bitter hearts blog or some crazy shit like that. ok im going to take a sleeping pill and pass out. i will become super dedicated after surgery. i'm off from work for a whole week so i will have plenty of time. leave some love folks if you stumble upon my blog.

Whoa

2009-02-21T09:12:00.001-05:00

I have not been here in AGES!!! I have been super busy. Now I shall catch up. That is all. Good day.

working on a mystery...

2009-02-11T18:24:00.003-05:00

not really i just like that lyric. anyways... not much going on in life. I have become a BAND-aid. Not a groupie, but a band-aid. I just support, I don't spread my legs. LOL. Man I love boys in bands.

Keeping busy with work, the doc and I are both getting over being wicked sick for the last week and a half. I love working for a chiropractor. As soon as she adjusts my neck, my nose just drains and I can breathe again. It is wonderful stuff.

Working on a cool blog post that I have added myself to. Back to work!

25 random things....

2009-02-04T13:45:00.000-05:00

1. I have no filter - if I'm thinking it, it will probably makes its way out of my mouth. I make no apologies for it.

2. I am a cutter, I haven't cut myself in 6 years, but just like alcoholics I take it one day at a time. I am proud of my scars, they show me how far I have come.

3. I'm allergic to the sun -no really- it has been confirmed by a doctor.

4. I have never been on a first date.

5. My obsession with Dave Navarro is all encompassing. I write his birthday in my planner, all my online names have to do with him (even my xbox gamertag), etc. I have the man's autograph tattooed to my arm for fuck's sake. I don't understand why I love him but for the last 15 years he is the epitome of what a beautiful man should be. *hangs head*

6. I have been engaged for the last 2.5 years and only recently realized I never want to get married. EVER.

7. I like to kiss girls, some people have called me a lesbian, a dyke, confused, bisexual, etc. I don't use labels, I define it as free-spirited. I am not adverse to loving a woman in all the ways possible - might as well seeing as I think about it enough.

8. I despise most of my family. I have a hard time believing people when they say they love me or compliment me. I know it stems from the utter rejection by my mother and numerous members of my family. I don't like myself, thank you mom.

9. I finally became a vegetarian - but bacon still makes me weak in the knees. Oh and corndogs too.

10. I make wicked good brownies, you will go into a sugar coma after eating them, but shit they are good. (Maybe the words brownie and shit should not be used in the same sentence.)

11. I have perfected the art of sarcasm, PERFECTED IT.

12. I have a very close knit group of friends, they are my true family. I am fiercely protective of them and I WILL walk to the ends of the earth for them.

13. However, I cut people out of my life. I don't like drama and I don't like headaches. Once you are gone from my life, you are GONE. I don't go back nor have I ever regretted these choices. I may not like myself, but I have too much self-respect for bullshit.

14. I have had a crush on the same boy since I was 12. And 14 years later I still find him to be amazing and he frightens me more today than he did then. But I hope to actually be his friend.

15. I am a fruit snob - I will not eat fruit that is not in season.

16. I name everything. My car is named Jamison, my computer is named Dottie Gale, my first cell phone was named Englebert. I name EVERYTHING.

17. I don't say the word dog and various other words because my southern accent slips out even after 21 years living in the North and my friends laugh at me. HAHA.

18. I believe I have a guardian angel because i should have died twice.

19. I have broken my nose 6 times - it has never had to be reset but it does have a slight curve.

20. The doctors have not confirmed it (because I have no desire to have the surgery yet) but I believe in my bones and whole-heartedly that I will not be able to conceive children. I am coming to terms with it because I will get to be the coolest aunt ever.

21. My heart was broken 6 years and almost 2 months ago. It has never healed.

22. I can't swim but water makes me feel at peace as do trees.

23. A Boy Named Goo is my favorite album. It kept me from killing myself, literally. Along with So Much for the Afterglow. ("Fucking up takes practice, I feel I'm well-rehearsed" is the mantra to my life)

24. I can go days without looking in a mirror - I am not fond of myself. Let me repeat that.

25. I talk in different accents, like all the time. I think they are my multiple personalities.

That's it, enjoy folks. If you have questions or comments - let me have them. Ehhhhh....

exhaustion

2009-01-29T18:10:00.001-05:00

So tired. That is all.

The drive to do more

2009-01-24T09:45:00.004-05:00

From Time Magazine. photo by Callie Shell

Calm, quiet, serene, how many more words can I think of for the same one? This is right before he steps out onto the platform. I imagine he is gathering his thoughts, embracing the historic moment he is about to take part in and thinking about how much he loves his family. I know that it is a lot to think this man will make it all better but after 8 years of incompetence, it cannot get much worse. I hope that change is coming. I am putting my support behind him. I am on the Obama train. I am scared that he will not make it through the four years and I hope when he is re-elected in 2012 that I can come back to this and say I was being silly. I am nervous for his well-being and his life. However, I feel like we are now in competent hands. And I'm not going to lie I am super excited for him to overturn the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. What a stupid fucking policy.

I feel that with all of this excitement over the new President and his total awesomeness, that I should be doing more. I am going to get off my butt and stick to my goals. I will not be held back anymore. Thank you President Obama (it makes me tingle to say that). I mean I felt some sadness as Bush got in the helicopter and flew away, but Texas, he is all yours. KEEP HIM. And does anyone else like to say Obama as much as I do, I think it sounds fun coming off the tongue.

On hold

2009-01-22T10:52:00.003-05:00

I am sitting here on hold with Blue Cross, I hate Blue Cross. Despise Blue Cross. They say to call back during their lower call volume hours - but those are lies. LIES, I tell you. I have tried and still sat on the phone for an hour. I need to check a code, it will be fast, please Blue Cross?? And they are always named "Janet" but have the thickest accent of any Janet I have ever heard. Interesting stuff I do say.

Wow, that only took about an hour of my life, that I will never get back. Freaking aye. So once again it has been awhile. Has anything happened? No, not really. Obama was sworn in as President, so that was super exciting. But other than that, life keeps on trucking. Have that huge book list but I have barely cracked the first book. Trooper, my dog, had surgery yesterday. Needless to say, he is not a happy camper. At all. But he is high, if only we could all be so lucky.

Last night I got to see my friends band be the house band at a local place. They rock my socks, I like their stuff better than watching them do covers but I will take hot boys in bands any way I can. And he is a lovely looking boy, so all around it was a fantastic time. Found some interesting things out this week. Sorry I'm not going to share LOL. Let's just say someone told me they still love me, someone revealed their true douchebag colors and that's really all that is worth mentioning. Anyways, I'm off to finish working.

History...

2009-01-20T11:21:00.000-05:00

I hope you are all watching this... I should've gotten on that train last night... but this is AMAZING. OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Book List

2009-01-18T16:30:00.004-05:00

So I received Barnes and Noble gift cards, anyone that knows me understand that there is no better gift (besides money) to give me. I bought ten books and only had to spend $1.85 of my own money!! Woot, Woot! Thank something for the B&N sale.

So until I start school and have to read school books, this is my current list:

1. Fame Junkies - Jake Halpern: explores our obsession with celebrity culture
2. Hope's Edge - Frances Moore Lappe: vegetarianism
3. Nothing Feels Good: Punk Rock, Teenagers and Emo - Andy Greenwald
4. Audrey Hepburn - Barry Paris: Duh, Audrey's biography. I love her.
5. On Beauty - Zadie Smith
6. The Portable Obituary - Michael Largo: How the powerful, rich and famous really died.
7. A Piece of Cake - Cupcake Brown: A memoir
8. Elizabeth - J. Randy Taroborrelli: Elizabeth Taylor biography, did she really have violet eyes when she was young? That is freaking awesome.
9. Not the Girl Next Door - Charlotte Chandler: A Joan Crawford biography
10. True Grace - Wendy Leigh: A Grace Kelly biography
11. Driving with Dead People - Monica Halloway: A Memoir
12. Rhett Bhutler's People - Donald McCaig: The authorized novel based on Gone With The Wind

That is the current list. Yeah, that is a lot of reading.

I will get through it cus I love books! In other news, 2009 has been good so far. I got a raise, which was exciting! We are really planning the new space and making plans for the growing practice. Started working at a yoga studio with Cassie. We don't get paid but we get all the yoga we can take which is super fantastic. No excuse to not go! Love it. Still working on my goal for July and have added another cool one. You only live once and well it is time to take the reins. So I'm off to get stuff done. Oh and I got a new laptop! Cus the other one pretty much died. It was time.

Yeah so shoot me...

2009-01-17T10:01:00.003-05:00

I know it has been awhile. I will update... for like the two people that randomly come onto my site LOL...
Til then, I got some news from someone who shouldn't matter and yet they do, more than I understand. So when I'm upset, I write. Enjoy.

This razorblade kisses my skin
the way your lips used to
Intimately and lovingly
following the curves that made you drunk
I watch the blood drain away
making paths down my arms, pools on the floor
but no matter how much
I cut, tear, rip apart my flesh
you remain indefinitely
no amount of bloodletting
will get you out of my system
You are deeper than a flesh wound
You are the marrow of my bones
You exist into the core of me
But I will continue to try
I am destroying myself to escape you

1.17.09

A little something I wrote...

2009-01-05T13:27:00.003-05:00

Twenty-Two

Excuse me Sir
May I ask you a question?
A little something I'm curious about
It's been in the back of my mind
Seeing as it's been awhile
since the last time we shot the shit
And now I have something gnawing at me
Please don' t be alarmed
this may sound a little harsh
But where the fuck do you get off?
Who the fuck do you think you are?
Your smile hides the truth apparently
that old dogs do not learn new tricks
And you really cannot change those spots dear
Your blue eyes sparkle
distracting me, but as I am well aware
all that glitters is not gold
These streets have your name written all over them
The paint should be red
but anger, bitterness and resentment
have muddied the brilliant color
This time it really should be shame on me,
Honestly though, fuck you.

January 5, 2009

- 8 degrees below

2008-12-22T08:59:00.006-05:00

Oak Tree, Snowstorm, Yosemite National Park, California, 1948
Photograph by Ansel Adams

I love Ansel Adams. I do not know what it is about his photographs but I feel calm when I look at them. I love black and white photos as well. And most people that know me, know I have a weird thing for trees. I really don't know what it is about them but trees make me happy. I take pictures of them all the time. There is something about how they branch out and grow wild that I love.

You want to know something that does not make me happy? Fucking -8 degree temperatures with the wind chill. Excuse my potty mouth, but I am pretty amazed that I have kept it tame on this blog. (My favorite thing someone once told me about myself is that I could offend a sailor with my mouth) But for real... it is FUCKING cold. I am bundled up like no one's business. I have leggings, leg warmers, knee socks, my pants, a long sleeve shirt, a thick sweater, my coat, gloves, hat and scarf on and all I want is my blanket, River and the dogs. I want to hibernate. That would be lovely. And drink hot chocolate all day long. And catch up on all the movies that I have been meaning to watch. Sigh.

Let it Snow!

2008-12-19T21:22:00.004-05:00

Taken on my very cold and snowy walk to the light rail station yesterday. As the snow came down on a slant in my face. All this snow has put me in a festive mood... well almost. I enjoyed watching my puppy experience his first snow, running around and going crazy. He loves this weather... just goes to prove that I really do believe he is part mountain dog. It was a lovely evening to stay home, read, write, listen to music and drink hot chocolate with vanilla marshmallows... and that's exactly what I did. River had to work but I enjoyed the quiet LOL.

These are my brats... they get tired after all the excitement. What a life. That is Trooper, my beagle, farther from the front and Max, my almost 10 month old puppy mutt in your face. I love them... LOVE them. My little family is complete now that Max has joined us. Even if he does follow me EVERYWHERE, like a little canine train. And knocks everything over because he does not realize that his tail is attached to his ass... which he continues to chase and bite like an idiot. Sigh... they are my <3.

I feel like I am having a skinny day today. Which is quite nice if I do say so myself. Now I return to work. More later

Oh... the weather outside is frightful...

2008-12-17T11:58:00.003-05:00

Well, not so much today but you get the point. A lovely photo from outside Cassie's house the other night with a bit of snow on it. Tis the season once again, for weather advisories, storm watches, cleaning my car off and inches upon inches of white powder that turns into brown slush. Why do I still live here? OH that's right, we are in a recession and I cannot afford to move! Almost forgot, til I look at the bank statement. HaHa.

It has been quite some time since I was last here. I have been busy. River and I finally had our housewarming party and it was a blast. Lots of cheese, wine, chips, rockband and good friends. Lots of laughter, warmth, bad singing and love! It was a perfect evening.

I still need to learn to breathe, or maybe I just really need to get into some good therapy. The blue pills only do so much when they are on their own.

Went to the mall the other night. I believe that some stores, or all stores, for that matter need to hire someone to just be honest with people. I would take that job... I would make people cry but still. There was an older gentleman at one of the stores I was wandering around in. Yes I know that I do not have the greatest fashion sense, nor am I that kind of girl that cares, but I know what looks right on people. I am not blind nor stupid. I digress- back to the man: He was trying on something that looked like a bomber jacket. He was obviously going through a mid-life thing, as evidenced by his tight jeans and "hip" shirt. He was in this bomber jacket and I just kind of wanted to put my hand on his shoulder and let him have it. Or actually just tell him to put it back cus it would never work in the end for him. There will be no young lady parts all over him in that outfit - well if he whips out cash money then maybe. But in that outfit-no sirree bob. I think this is a service all stores should provide - like when the fat girls buy clothes that are 2 sizes too small, you know in situations like that. Enough of this topic LOL... I'm going to hell.

And I'm off like a prom dress...

Another day...

2008-12-04T18:27:00.002-05:00

another dollar. Or so they tell me. Anyways... had a good night last night. Hung out and ate with Cassie at my old restaurant. Good times. The food is always freaking delicious and the company was fantastic, thank you Cassie, Siouxsie and Brian. Love these folks. I had a delicious anjou pear salad and pumpkin tortellini, melts in your mouth I tell you! Cassie had the eggplant bruschetta and seared sea scallops with creamed corn and oranges. Yummy stuff. Then I hung out with a friend for a few hours. That was fun times. It's been a long time since I have laughed so hard for so long with another person. I find it to be awesome that I can connect with someone on a level like that.

In other things, vegetarianism is going as well as can be I guess. I had a piece of turkey on Thanksgiving, just had to. And I had some chicken nuggets in a moment of starvation. But other than that it has been all veggie! I really need to read some of my books on being veg the healthy way, but my reading list is quite long right now. And I have been sucked into the 4th book of the Twilight series. Damn books, not even that great but I just can't put them down.

Facebook has connected me with some people I haven't heard from in years, very interesting talking to certain people. I think it's the little blue pills, cus normally I have no desire to talk to anyone ever. But the blue pills make me happy, well neutral, I don't really know happy. Happy is a relative term in my life. Like meeting Dave Navarro that was a happy time (that was a sexy, good happy time) but most everything else in life is just there. I am not one to find the silver lining in things, but recently I have been the one passing on the optimism. I can never stop taking these pills. NEVER.

I am trying to find online courses or interesting writing projects. I would like to pick up my writing again. I bought another journal the other day *holds out hand so Cassie can smack it again* and have been writing in it. I have a thing for journals. Sometimes they just speak to me and I have to own them... but most of the time I never use them! I'm retarded. But I saw a new one at Barnes and just had to have it. So I have been using it and it is going well so far. But that is just all the personal stuff that I don't want the world to know about. I want something to test my ability, make me have to think and come up with something creatively. I haven't written in a very long time. I start and stop constantly and never go back.... Hmmmm... must find something.

Alright... time for me to leave work and head home. Much to do this evening. And a killer headache, we had the carpet cleaned at the office this morning and the smell of the chemicals is hurting my head immensely. Good night blog world.

December...

2008-12-02T09:25:00.002-05:00

is upon us, already. I cannot believe how fast the time has flown this year. Seems crazy, but every year goes faster. The holiday was a good time. The in-laws have officially moved to Florida, sad but at the same time exciting. For the first time in 5 years, River and I live together. None of his family, in an apartment to ourselves and the pups. It has been fantastic so far. We finished the kitchen on Friday, it looks good. Functional and much larger without all the crap in the way. The whole apartment is coming along nicely. It will serve its purpose. And when the weather gets warmer, I will make the backyard wonderful too!

So... my goal this week is to stay away from the phone. I will not call or text this person, if they want to talk to me then they can get in touch with me. I must follow through. And I must write and write a lot because then my mind will be clear of all the crap that is currently running through it. And hopefully I will be able to sleep without medical intervention. Omg, I cannot wait to take some sleep medication this evening. At like 8pm LOL. I really just want to sleep. Think I will go home and take a nap during my break as well. Gotta pick up the happy blue pills today. Which I do believe are working quite nicely. I haven't had a "dark" day in awhile. And what would usually push me over the edge has not affected me as much.

I wish I had more interesting things to talk about but I do not. Now I must return to work.

It's not even Thanksgiving...

2008-11-22T09:36:00.002-05:00

I was in Dunkin Donuts this morning getting my daily hot chocolate and what is on the effing speakers? Christmas music. Are you for real? And they brought out fresh donuts... in red, green and white. I hate Christmas, I have for many years. MANY years. And this is overkill. I mean in the stores, Christmas stuff was up before Halloween even happened and now the music. There should be rules. No Christmas shat until December 1st. Freaking aye. If I had my way, Christmas stuff would start on Dec 15 and end exactly at midnight Dec 26. I think that is generous almost 2 weeks, cus I would really like it if Christmas wasn't the big deal that people make it out to be. Lame sauce.

Anyways, I fudgesicled up my knee. So the doc fixed it. I have never felt pain like that. And today it is a lovely shade of red and purple. Fabulous. Hurts to walk, but that is to be expected. Will spend the rest of the weekend icing and maybe in my brace. Freaking aye to that as well.

Can I just tell you that I hate people that can't let shit die? Dumb jock? Really? Wow... I find it super interesting that others have not caught on to this snide, childish shit. That is more lame sauce. Super lame sauce. Karma is coming.

Had an interesting evening last night. Hung out with someone that I probably shouldn't. He had been drinking. I believe that I was his ride for the evening, cus it was cold out. And hell if I had someone who was that nice in my life, well I would do it too. And then after I dropped him off, he drunk dialed, but I was not the person he meant to drunk dial. I guess my name starting with a K and her name starting with an L, is hard to figure out when you've had too much to drink. Stupid kid. Man, I'm mad at myself for all the shit I've put myself through with him. Eff that kid.

I need to get my shit together and get fucking motivated. It is time to take charge of life and do what I have to do. I want to be making a ton of money and the opportunity has presented itself. Now is the time to do that. So that is the plan for the rest of the day. Woohoo!

Damn you ABC...

2008-11-21T10:01:00.002-05:00

So today I'm on aol reading some news articles and what do I see? ABC has canceled Dirty, Sexy Money. I LOVE that show. LOVE it, I say. ABC, have you seen the quality of Grey's Anatomy? I mean I adore Grey's but the storyline SUCKS. Seriously, Denny? Again? And you kick off the lesbian relationship, yet you state that Callie is still a lesbian... not so much if she is still boning men in the on-call room. Ridiculous. Lame sauce... for reals. Keep Dirty, Sexy Money... please?

In other news, who am I kidding? There isn't much other news. River's dad flew in on Wednesday so right now both his parents are living with us. LOL. A little insane and tense but getting through it. They will leave on Black Friday for Florida. And then River and I will live with our two dogs... all alone. Thank something.

Life is confusing, my heart is at war with my mind. But that is not for this blog or for the world to know about. Sigh.

Sam is home! For the next 3 weeks. Fantastic good time. I am going to miss him when he has to ship out to Virginia and he leaves on the destroyer. Please keep him safe.

Hmmm...

2008-11-14T09:35:00.002-05:00

I could use a nap. I could always use a nap. Today I get to meet Sam at the mall, buy a few things for a birthday and go sign up for kickboxing classes with Sam. Exciting, yes I know. Then he gets to see how big the puppy has gotten and my new apartment! Which by the way, looks much bigger now that all the freaking boxes are emptied. Time for things to go on the walls and to finish the backyard. Then we will be pretty much set. Next week, his dad comes back for about 8 days. Then the parental units head on down to Florida together! River, me and our two dogs will finally live on our own without parental interference. Crazy. Very crazy. Until then, we will be with both of them, my apartment seems very small with all these people in it. Kind of like a cage... but that is for another time and discussion.

River and I did some talking last night and hopefully good things will come from it. OMG, I am tired. And I have cramps, I know you all want to hear about my cramps, but shat they hurt. Stupid broken lady parts. I need a second job... why did I leave the one I had, oh yeah I hated it there. But now I really need a second one. However, if I start school in January that will kind of be useless now won't it? Much to think about. Many things to do.

I have no idea why I started blogging today. I'm giving up now. Goodbye.

Having a fat day...

2008-11-13T16:25:00.002-05:00

Today I am feeling huge LOL... Don't know what it is but I just feel gross today. Anyways, I have such a long list of things to do and I really need to get on it. Tonight I would like to finish up with the last 4 boxes we have in the kitchen. It would be nice to be officially unpacked. Finally. Would also like to organize the kitchen a little better. I'm excited to finally use the freaking kitchen. We are learning how to maximize a small space to our advantage. Went food shopping last night, the mom-in-law stocked the fridge very generously.

So on Sunday I pretty much woke up and decided I was done with meat. I don't know if it will continue or how I will do at it, but vegetarianism here I come. So it has officially been 5 days, not much to be excited about but I'm proud of myself. River even told me that I should become a vegetarian, which was weird. I guess I'm more of a pescetarian actually. I like fish and seafood. But red meat and chicken, not so much. It is time. Though I did get an earful from mom-in-law about how it's not healthy and I need animal fat, but that thought makes me shudder. I don't know I just like animals way too much and can't think about eating them anymore. I need to get healthy, for real.

My brother is home on leave. Or he should be I have not heard from him since the day before he was scheduled to leave. Man I miss that kid. He is here for 25 days, thank something. It will be an awesome 25 days, tattoo, Thanksgiving and just having him around again! Sigh, makes me sad when he is not around. Too far away for my sanity. What else is there to talk about? Not much... still completely confused by a certain person in my life, but that is talk for the other blog. Not talk for here. I will just leave it as I am super glad and happy that this person is back in my life and it will be interesting to see where the hell it goes.

Now, as usual, it is time for me to go back to working. Or blogging on the other blog LOL...

Must push on...

2008-11-11T15:05:00.002-05:00

It's like when I keep a regular journal, I eventually fall off. I like to write in a journal but had a bad experience when I was younger that I guess keeps me from sticking to it. And now, I am falling off this one. Must keep going. I like to write the random things that come to mind now and then. And I added an app to my iphone so now I can blog on there if the need ever comes to me! Moving has been hectic, but the transition has been good. There is not that much space to sit in the living room anymore, but we will make it work. The pile of boxes is down to just a few piled up in the kitchen. It would be nice to actually use the kitchen. Need to find a fabulous first dinner in the new apartment meal. We bought 3 bookcases cus we needed more space. And once his mom leaves for Florida at the end of the month, we will have the living room space back to ourselves. We have many pictures to hang and finally my diploma will go on the wall. Very exciting I have to say, I want to display it prominently. We will also have half the bathroom back, LOL, she has taken over! Our backyard is awesome, just a bit overgrown. There is a pile of dirt in the yard that we have to take down because Max has gotten too big and I fear he will jump. This apartment is pretty freaking awesome I'm not gonna lie. And I love my orange kitchen. Now all I need to be able to do is get to it!!! HAHA

Other things in life are not so fantastic, there are a lot of questions in my head due to the reappearance of someone from many years ago. A someone that I don't want to let go. And apparently does not want to let me go. Three cheers for friendship *said dripping with sarcasm*

Now back to work, tonight I write my essay for Pacific College. Keep your fingers crossed folks that I get in and they give me money to go to school!

What an amazing day...

2008-11-05T08:08:00.002-05:00

to be an American. I am awed and dumbstruck. Last night was amazing, just amazing. Sadly, I could barely stay awake but I was not worried that Obama would not win. What a fantastic man.

Admissions...

2008-10-29T08:33:00.002-04:00

So, last night, as I was watching 90210... yeah I said it 90210. Judge me, you can't be a harsher critic than I am to myself. LOL. This show is awful, pure garbage. Ridiculously bad and yet I will not/cannot stop watching it. My friend and I text message each other back and forth during the whole thing about how unrealistic and stupid and bad the show is and yet every week at 8pm we are in front of the tv watching. And then last night we come to the point where we are about to give it up and the previews come on and we're sucked back in. It's a train wreck and I need to watch. I need more Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth and where the hell did Nat go? The Peach Pit was in one episode. I really need Beverly Hills 90210, 10 years later. For reals.

And then I fire up the DVR, cus I know I have stuff on there and the tv is really the only thing left in my apartment for me to keep my attention. All my books are packed. So there is My Own Worst Enemy. Interesting concept for a show, but it's pretty bad. I have found myself drifting to other thoughts when that show is on... but I watch it for one reason and one reason only. CHRISTIAN SLATER. If you don't know where "greetings and salutations" comes from, it is from Heathers. The movie with CHRISTIAN SLATER. I am a die hard Slater fan. Love the man, he can do no wrong in my eyes. And is it just me or does he not age? So yeah the show... I'm glad he is back in the spotlight a little bit, but the show needs some work. And like 90210, I will watch until both shows are cancelled.

Now a good show, Criminal Minds, that show does not disappoint. Neither does Law and Order SVU or Ugly Betty. I like tv, seems I'm a bit addicted.

Tonight is the first night in the new apartment!!! Woot!

What a weekend...

2008-10-28T08:45:00.002-04:00

“My sorrow, when she's here with me, thinks these dark days of autumn rain are beautiful as days can be; she loves the bare, the withered tree; she walks the sodden pasture lane.” Robert Frost

This has been a hell of a weekend. I was off from work - the doctor had a bachelorette party weekend in Las Vegas. So Friday I went to Pacific College, which I have to say I was impressed with. And such an easy commute especially from my new apartment, I love my car but only spending money on gas to get to grampa's will be awesome! Public transpo here I come. Anyways back to the school, the program is one of the only ones outside of California that meets the standards for the Cali Board Exams... which means when I'm done with the program = I can work in Cali!!!! Oh thank something, for I love the thought of being able to go to Cali, I guess it helps that this school has a campus in San Diego, which at any point I can actually transfer to. Friday night was more packing and honestly, I can't remember what the hell I did that night... wow I feel old right now. Oh wait, maybe there was some moving of boxes... o yes there was!

Saturday-everything was on rain delay. River started his new job that morning and by the time he got home it was raining. So moving had to be put off. It became a super lazy day... no packing or anything, just enjoying each other's company. And he shared his head cold... so we were both miserable anyways LOL.

Sunday - yard sale that kind of sucked. And we moved most of the furniture. All we have left in the apartment is the big tv and the stand for it, the bookcase and a ton of small stuff. I thought the apartment was going to look super crowded once we moved in but everything seems to fit perfectly. The kitchen is a mess cus that is where we are storing everything for now until we can unpack stuff. Slowly but surely we will be moved in by tomorrow... tomorrow night being the night the tv moves and I believe River and I will be staying there for the first night. Got to get the dogs used to the new digs. I'm excited. Time to really go through stuff and get rid of everything I don't need. I now believe that if I find something in a box that I have not thought about then it needs to go...

Anyways... I think for now I will keep this blog going. I don't even have time for this one... how am I going to start another one? LOL

Moving

2008-10-22T11:04:00.002-04:00

So I have been super busy. I think I might have mentioned that the move-out date for the house was moved up to basically the 30th of this month. Needless to say, things have been crazy trying to pack up the apartment. We will be having a garage sale and moving over the weekend. Our first night will probably be the 29th at the new place and the last two days of October we will be making sure the old house is clean for the new owners. Oh the fun. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. And for all the haters out there who like to talk smack about people, River is staying!!! YAY!!! He fixed up his resume, sent it out, is going on interviews, got offered a position here and is going to stay here with me and the doodles.

Not that many people come around here and read this, but I have also decided to start a blog elsewhere that I will not be advertising so that lame people cannot follow me! But if anyone would like to know it, understand it is a work in progress, I will send it to you if you ask for it! I will still be on here but probably not as much... I have not really thought through the logistics yet.

In other things, the open house for graduate school is on Friday. The application is all filled out, now I need to write a fantastic essay and have my recommendations sent along. O and all my transcripts... hmmm... I need to get on that. So maybe I will start school in January! Who knows?

Maybe I will plan an election night party so we can all get together and watch Obama win!! Oh thank something, I am tired of Mr. Negativity (McCain) and seriously how can Republicans honestly say that Palin is a good choice to take over when McCain dies, cus let us be honest - he is OLD. And at the same time it can be an apartment warming party! I'm excited to start moving in!

Now back to work...

So yeah...

2008-10-13T16:53:00.003-04:00

The picture is of a beer offered at the Salem Brewery that River and I ate at in Salem! Thought it was fitting and quite lovely. I used to work at a restaurant where my bosses used a chalkboard to write up the weekly specials. Their work has nothing on this! It was super cool to me and I snapped a photo like a weirdo in the middle of the restaurant LOL.

So, I know that I have been a little down. I know this and I am trying extremely hard to get through it and enjoy the next few weeks like Cassie has instructed. This is not permanent and in no way is it a bad thing. At the end of the day this is probably pretty awesome for the two of us. The distance will be hard... really hard but it is what we have to do for now. He will be gone for a few months and I will be here, in an apartment like a grown up. Going to see one that looks promising tomorrow actually. We will be able to save money and pay off our debts. (freaking school loans) And I will probably start school so it isn't like I will be around very much anyways. My life will be very hectic and that is okay. I will miss him but it's not like we are breaking up... it's been over 5 years already I am sure we can make it through this like nothing. And in the mean time I will have our friends to help me get through it... man I love the Committee and all its extended members. So, I don't see this anything to do with karma or anything like that, cus in the end this is the best thing for his parents! They sold their house, they get to move to a better place and in the end River, me and our puppies will be taken care of. It can only get better. And plus, I don't think karma needs to come after us anyways! I am sad and I know there are people out there who have been visitors in my life that I'm sure are relishing in my emotional roller coaster, but that's all good. At the end of the day, I don't wish anyone that kind of pain and it is a shame that others wish it on me or even find delight in it. Living with someone for a good portion of 5 years and then having to be apart for so long is going to be a trial and a painful one but we will get through it!

So onto other things... Cassie, River and I went pumpkin picking. And wouldn't you know it my effing camera broke on Saturday night while I was taking a picture in the city. So... the pictures I have are from my phone and I will put them up later! And Cassie will send me the ones that she took and those will be included eventually. Pumpking picking was fun, the hayride, eating cider donuts, picking out fantastic pumpkins, apple cider, taking corny pictures, the farm animals... etc. Cassie loved it cus she has this deep desire to have my childhood lol. I grew up on a farm so nothing we did this weekend was new, it was just fun and brought happy memories. Cassie adored it for the excitement and new adventures. River was so-so lol. Also, got to see Uncle Wayne and Grampa briefly. We will be returning next weekend for a proper visit.

That was Sunday. Saturday night I hung with the guys in the city. We went costume shopping and out to eat. It is awesome to have such a big group of friends that can come together and just be with each other and have fun. I love them so much! Walked through the city for awhile and headed home for the excitement of Sunday.

Then, Sunday night after the pumpkins, we went to Sara Alicia's first birthday party. Jesse was kind enough to invite all of us. It was super fun, Bryan and Jesse have awesome parents. I love their mom to pieces! Sara was beautiful. Such big eyes! We all hung out at a table together, drank sangria, ate lots of food and conversed. DUH! We closed out the party all of us hanging out at that table! It was a long Sunday but wicked good stuff.

Now it is time to get down to business, find an apartment and pack our stuff up!

What a lovely day...

2008-10-09T16:24:00.002-04:00

Oak Tree Sunset City by Ansel Adams

I enjoy Ansel Adams... took a few classes and his work always came up in the history books. And besides that I love trees. I take pictures of trees all the time... once again I will have to post some of those up as well. I always update on here when I'm at work and I have no access to my photos. Gonna have to change that!

Finished Twilight last night in my cold medicine induced haze. Went home from work and took two showers, one to unclog my ears, I did some fancy jumping up and down last night after my steam shower, but it worked! I could hear again, that was nice. Took some Benadryl, a couple Advil PM and crawled into bed. Slept for 11 hours, watched most of a Project Runway episode and slept for another 2.5 hours. Man that felt good!

So I shall be going to pick up the second book in the Twilight series tonight along with my acupuncture book. Today is looking up... I'm feeling better (just had my sinuses drained painfully by the doctor I work for) and I got some much needed sleep. I am looking forward to Sunday... PUMPKIN PICKING by grampa's farm. A hayride to the pumpkin field, then pumpkins! And many pictures to go with it! And then off to grampa's to visit. I'm excited! Hopefully the weather will hold out. We had some fantastic warm weather today in Jersey. Makes me miss California when it is this nice out!

Once again... I'm off.

A book and an update

2008-10-08T10:19:00.002-04:00

Chill October by John Millais 1870

"So the lion fell in love with the lamb" - corny I know yet I cannot stop reading. If you don't know what I'm talking about it's Twilight the book by Stephenie Meyer. She has a lot of e's in her name. Yeah, so I held out as long as I could but I gave in to the curiosity. I understand the comparison to the Harry Potter phenomenon but in no way do these books equal each other. I'm hands down all about Harry Potter, better character development, better plot, better storyline and even though it is all about wizardry I find it more believable. Twilight jumps too far ahead at moments that it leaves me with the "yeah right" sensation. And the that's totally unbelievable feeling. Her take on vampires and the updating of the lore is interesting and I like it better than they burn up in the sun and can't control themselves. I also think this book could be longer, now you look at the book on the shelf at the bookstore and you say "wow that is a long book". Not so my friends, the font is huge. Then again I am used to reading a ton of books with small print for school, but even Harry Potter had smaller print. So, I think she could have made the print smaller and filled in some details that need to be elaborated on. I'm about halfway through and am anxious to keep going. I believe I will go buy the second book today.

I have so much to read right now... there is so much sitting on my night stand. Besides the magazines that seem to never stop arriving, I have my NAET book to finish, a book on vegetarianism and the book I need to pick up on acupuncture. So much to do!!!

I feel like crap today... my body has shut down on me with my hormone clearing. Or maybe it is just the change of weather that has me feeling like arse. I have a head cold/sinus infection and my lady of the month (which really comes every two weeks since coming off hormone treatments) is currently trying to kill me. I'm in a daze and would really like to curl up in bed with my heating pad and my doodles.

Still worried about the next few weeks, but at the end of the day what can I do? I really need to start looking for a place to stay, especially if River moves to Florida. Which in the grand scheme of things is starting to look like the best plan. Sigh. I will be super lonely with him and the doodles in Florida.

Now back to work, you can tell I'm super busy correct?

keep on, keeping on

2008-10-07T15:24:00.002-04:00

I feel jaded, disillusioned and heartbroken. What's new right? But I am loving the cold air at night and getting to wear scarves. I am working on a Thursday 13... now all I have to do is remember to post it! I need to get on top of some of these fun themed day activities. I have so many pictures it would be nice to use some of them for fun.
I really have no desire to elaborate on how things turned out at the restaurant, except I am amused and happy to say that the new guy replacing me quit!! HAHAHA, that is fantastic.

So many things are happening in the next few weeks... it is very scary. Life will change, which is always a good thing, but the comfort zone will be in upheaval. I will be attending an open house at Pacific College for their masters program in Oriental medicine/Acupuncture. Interesting the turns that life takes. Not the plan I saw for myself but sometimes that's a good thing. Then River and I will be going to Florida with his dad to check out the area they want to move to. Then comes the BIG decisions... my heart is heavy with worry and fear. SIGH.

Keeping the theme...

2008-10-04T12:16:00.005-04:00

I think for the rest of the month I will include a picture related to some aspect of Halloween or October. Because, to be frank, this is the BEST time of the year and I can. LOL.

Yesterday I went shopping with Cassie at Target (with the French accent please). I love the dollar bins... got myself halloween magnetic list papers, a pumpkin candle and halloween sprinkles. Fantastic! We spent something like an hour in Target just wandering and being idiots. Also got a pumpkin cake pan with 6 mini pumpkins!!! O I am too excited. I want the pumpkin cake pan from Williams Sonoma... I want to have a Halloween party. I need to get on that. This is why I want to be married on Halloween... so much fun stuff to decorate with and dressing up. HAHA... I can be a bride for Halloween. How fun! I'm like a little kid with all this stuff. I'm going everywhere the day after and buying up all the Halloween leftover specials. This is why I need to live in Salem... it's Halloween all year round... whatever my house is going to have Halloween all year round.

In other things... after much hemming and hawing I decided not to return to the restaurant. I do not need to give myself and my time to people that have no respect for me or what I did for them. And since I went to a meeting where I was made out to be the reason for everything and there was so much anger directed towards me, I feel that there is no need for me to put myself into a position that makes me more angry at the end of the night. I have to say that I feel okay about it. I love my co-workers and many of them will continue to be friends and I am extremely happy about that. In the end, I feel this is the best decision for all parties involved!

I started this blog sometime last week and got sidetracked apparently so I am just going to post it up now!

October Begins...

2008-10-01T11:12:00.003-04:00

"October is nature's funeral month. Nature glories in death more than in life. The month of departure is more beautiful than the month of coming - October than May. Every green thin loves to die in bright colors."- Henry Ward Beecher

October has arrived. I love this month. I am not sure why I have such an attachment to this month but I am super excited it has come. I want this to be a good month cus there are some scary things going on in life right now. Things are changing all over the place and there is much to figure out. Are we staying in Jersey... or going to another state? Can't think about that right now... also can't think about the current state of my other job. Which has fallen apart and I have given my notice. And now he is spinning it that I have to do what I have to do and I'm not driven to this decision because he has failed at his job.

Anyways, yay October. The leaves will change, pumpkins and apples will be picked and Halloween will be upon us! My favorite time of the year. Every year Spring rolls around and I think maybe this is my favorite time of the year... everything is blooming, the days get warmer and the sun is shining. Well, autumn wins, I love the crisp air in the morning. I love the oranges, yellows and reds as the trees change and well pumpkins top even daffodils.

Tomorrow is the vice-presidential debate. I am really looking forward to it. I cannot wait to hear what assinine thing will come out of her mouth. Even though her voice grates on my soul to no end and makes me cringe every time I hear it... I will be front and center for tomorrow's debate.

I wish that I had enlightening things to say but I guess I am not ready to lay some things on the table or I just don't have much to say. Anyways... I might be back later... working on some stuff.

2008-09-27T11:11:00.002-04:00

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" Eleanor Roosevelt
I need to read this woman's biography. So many of her quotes apply to life. This quote keeps reoccurring in my life these days. I am tired of being made to feel inferior at my one job. It is time for me to move on. I live near Hoboken... there are a billion restaurants in this town, give or take a few. How can one judge you without even testing you? What is it about me that makes someone think that I will fail? How do you tell an employee that without giving me a chance to prove to you what I can do? Or are you just coming up with bullshit so that you don't have to give me a better position? So... when I give you my notice and your other employees are upset because you are losing someone who fits so perfectly and so competently then it will be on your head. I do not understand this management style... but then again apparently no one does. I am tired of being jerked around when there are other places where I could make good money and not have so much drama. It is a shame because I know the place I currently work would be awesome for my bank account but if the opportunity is not there then I need to move on. And it bothers me that I will not work with so many of these awesome people anymore, but what can ya do? I can't stay there and respect myself anymore. I have done that too often in the past. I can no longer stay somewhere that makes me unhappy.

At least my other job rocks my socks. We have the Arts and Music Festival coming up tomorrow which will definitely make the office busy. Extra hours, health fairs, maybe moving to a bigger office and probably going to school in the next year all to further my career and to make me a bigger asset to the office is exciting stuff.

Now I must go and work and get excited for a nap in between jobs today. Man I'm so tired and I have barely eaten in days. Something is not so right but it will pass!

The times they are a changin'

2008-09-25T16:21:00.002-04:00

So River's parents sold their house. When all is said and done, it looks like we must be out sometime in November. So the hunting has begun and the job hunting for River has begun even more in earnest than before. If only we had the money and the ability to start it all over in California... but for now that will be put on the back burner. No other news of note in my life. Planning a return trip to Salem for the weekend before Halloween to experience all that excitement! Woot!

Wow, I have nothing to write about. Still doing the NAET treatments, I am currently clearing an allergy to Vitamin A. Feeling a little drained but all is well. I've got nothing... LoL... bye for now

A small response

2008-09-23T18:05:00.002-04:00

Over the weekend I was informed of a blog that I should read on myspace. So I did and can someone please give me a KitKat Bar cus I need a fucking break??? He laid his cards on the table and they had victim written all over them... LAME. I will not respond to the many things that were in this blog but just know that I call shenanigans on it. After being told that the committee should go fuck themselves and then this... get over it yourself. And maybe you should stop contacting members of the "committee" if you are so done with this group of people. And if I remember correctly you are the one that brought people into your pity party. You are the one that shut your phone off to us, made an announcement about being done with everyone and then holed yourself up with the couple of the year. So all of you can take it and shove it... o how I would love to shove it for you... right up your asses. What a waste of friendship when one sucks at it, the other gives it up cus he's so pussywhipped by his first everything that his friends no longer matter and the other doesn't matter cus well she doesn't matter.

I don't care what anyone has to say about this hate filled blog... shit happens.

In other news... the weekend was fun. Besides working, Sunday I got to go to Grampa's and visit which was lovely. Then we came home and had a bunch of people come over and had a grand old committee party with bbq, Rock Band 2 and wicked good times. I finally got a 100% on vocals... on Whatcha Want by the Beastie Boys (I am as surprised as you are) and on My Sharona. WOOO! So now I take my leave of you because well I have to get running.

Just a quickie

2008-09-18T16:39:00.002-04:00

I am meaning to put up some pictures from our weekend in Salem and I will put up a picture of my poor puppy in his E-collar. He was neutered on Monday and is super unhappy right now. Just been busy with life. Working a whole lot. I just realized that I have two days off in a row... Sunday and Monday... that is nice. Next week I go in for a bunch of tests and doctor appointments. I have also started the NAET technique with my boss. It is super interesting and an experiment so far. More on that later as well, as I get farther into it. You can look it up if you want under NAET... it is an allergy elimination technique.
I am not loving my restaurant job anymore... but I adore my co-workers. But the situation might change soon and I will love my job again. I will be back later with some fun pictures... like the Parker Brothers mansion and the "Clue" house.

Had a few days

2008-09-14T18:36:00.003-04:00

I have had a few days to think, to remember, to reflect and to read. I found this poem on another blog and around the net and it is amazing.

From the 104th Floor
by Leda Rodis (age 14 in 2001)

When the plane hit the building
rocked first
to the right
then
to the left,
and outside all the skyscrapers
of New York
seemed to tremble.

The alarms screamed louder
than we did, and I knew
it was time to get away. It's funny
what you notice:
a pen rolling across the floor
my screen saver flicker and go off
a picture of you
and me
at Coney Island.

So much to leave behind. And yet so little.

Running down the hall I remembered
my mother
taking me to the top
of the Empire
State Building when I was just
a little girl,
telling me that a plane
had crashed there a long
time ago. So I thought that maybe
that's
what happened. Just
an accident. And accidents
happen everyday.

Under the blown-out exit sign
a crowd
is screaming,
crying,
pounding
on the door.
I know:
There's

No
Way
Out.

You have to believe that I tried. I'm not the one
to give up.
Back at my desk, I rescue
the rolling pen,
stare
at the blank screen, and
hold
my picture
of you.
I look out
at the blue morning.
I expect
to see God there.
But what I really see is
another plane.
And I know what it means.
But I don't know why...

I always thought that life was full of choices.
It always has been.
What to wear
Where to eat
Who to love
(and you know who I chose).

Now my choices have been taken away from me.
The men in the planes have narrowed my choices
down
to
two:
Death by fire, or death by fall.

I see the smoke
rising
filling the room
It's hard to breathe

I look towards the open window.
What
would falling feel like?

I remember the roller coaster at Coney Island.

The wind tugging at my hair
How good it felt to scream.
The feeling in my stomach.

And how all the way down

I was with you.

14 years old at the time. Amazing. This poem has stuck with me for the last few days. It was 7 years ago but it feels like yesterday. I remember sitting and staring out the window for days just watching the black clouds billow from the site. I was flipping through the channels and came upon the sick programs that play the news from that day... and of course I got stuck... my heart dropped as I watched the towers fall again. Listening to the great reporters of our time talk about the events in disbelief. I have not been back since it happened. I have not watched any of the movies. I don't think I can stomach it. I stayed on that channel briefly before moving on, tears in my eyes. I remember going to school, taking the bus to Hoboken, to take the train to Seton Hall and staring at all the Missing posters hung up everywhere. The sense of sorrow that overcame me looking at those posters. Thinking how awful it must be to not know... to know and still go through the motions of hope. It amazes me that pretty much everything was dust after it fell. Thousands of people, tons and tons of steel and building... dust.
I was listening to the radio and some of the interviews with people that lost loved ones that day... one woman lost her brother and her family came back year after year. They said that they will continue to come back every year because this is the only place that they feel his presence. Not his home before it happened, not with his belongings, the clothes that probably still smelled like him, the fridge with his food in it, the car he parked in the parking lot at the train station maybe but at Ground Zero. That is where they felt him. Where they felt like they could still be with him. It was depressing to hear. And what happened to all those cars? Were there cars just left in places... did they drive to the train station near their homes and go to work... and then they never got to retrieve them. The little things that I think of that are conjured up in my mind when this time of the year comes around.

9.11.2007
The day dawns gray
On this somber anniversary
The Heavens cry with us
As we remember those lost
but never forgotten
The innocent, the heroes
This hallowed ground holds you forever
A final resting place
A testament to the country
Our greatest tragedy
Our greatest test of strength
One more year passes
Forever you remain a part of us

changing seasons...

2008-09-09T08:56:00.002-04:00

"Come said the wind to the leaves one day, Come o're the meadows and we will play. Put on your dresses scarlet and gold, For summer is gone and the days grow cold." - A Children's Song of the 1880's

I adore autumn... technically it is still summer but September always signals the start of autumn for me. The leaves change color, the days get cooler, the night comes sooner... so many things to love.

I am sitting at work contemplating life. LOL.

Took me awhile

2008-09-05T10:41:00.003-04:00

So I have been absent for a bit... really haven't felt like being online. Plus I have been completely absorbed by watching Sex and the City in order. Currently at the end of Season 5. Good stuff I will say. Not too shabby... even if SJP looks like a horse most of the time. It has made me question why many women don't want to get married anymore though. Most of the females that I know do not have the white wedding dream, what has changed? Is it the high divorce rate or is it just not as important as it used to be? And what happened to the desire to procreate and carry on the human existence? Maybe our generation is more selfish? I mean don't get me wrong, I'm engaged, but I shudder everytime someone accidentally calls River my husband. And I'm pretty sure he has the same reaction when someone calls me his wife. Does that mean that we shouldn't have gotten engaged? Someone asked me why I said yes when he proposed if I don't have the desire to get married. I don't know if having a rock on my finger means that I have to get married. Marriage isn't for everyone and I really don't have the dream to wear a white gown and stand up in front of a ton of people and confirm my commitment to someone. I love River, I don't want to be with anyone other than River and I can't really picture the future without River but I don't want a piece of paper that says I have his last name. Living in sin is not so bad the only thing that would change is that piece of paper. And I really don't need anymore paper.
When did this all change? I know so many women that are fine with just having a boyfriend and being monogamous without all the hoopla of marriage. I know even more that are completely turned off by the thought of children as well. Interesting coming from someone who spends so much of her time in Hoboken, which feels like the knocked-up capital of the world. Bumper carriages every weekend and if they don't have a baby it seems that all the women are pregnant. Something in the tap water I guess.
I wonder where the white-picket fence, 2.5 kids, stay-at-home mom dream went.

In other things, I'm still as bitter as ever LOL. Really unhappy with my one job these days, but they will know soon enough. Once again looking for a job waiting tables, it really is the fastest way to money that I know without selling myself on the street corner. Then again, who knows if I have the personality for that anymore... bastard. The puppy if finally healthy, huge and healthy. He is very tall and now weighs in at 32 pounds and still growing. What was I thinking? Damn you adoption days!

Funny Stuff

2008-08-28T17:23:00.002-04:00

I'm glad to hear that some people have realized what a douche bag that GUY is. Still the greatest blog I have ever written, EVER. But I am glad that his true colors are starting to show and people are realizing what they didn't before. Trust me it only gets worse... I know what happens when he dates her. LOL can't wait for karma to kick him in the ass AGAIN. O good times.

On to other things... I am going to try acupuncture. I hate needles but I am desperate to not take anymore hormone shots and I want surgery to REALLY be the LAST resort. So one more ultrasound and some acupuncture. Maybe that will help alleviate the endometriosis... crossing my fingers.

Made my therapist appointment today... woohoo. Took the pretty blue pill last night... unlike last time where it made me so tired I could barely move, I was up all night. ALL NIGHT. All together maybe 2 hours of sleep. Sigh. Hopefully I will pass out tonight after I watch Obama.

Off to do more work... can't wait for September 12th! Going away for the whole weekend! Yay.

the first step

2008-08-27T18:10:00.002-04:00

Today I went to the doctor... I love my doctor and I am very upset that she will be leaving at the end of October for Maryland... almost want to follow her. But I finally decided it was time to go back on the pretty blue pills. Depression is a painful and debilitating thing and it is finally time for me to try and conquer it. I am making an appointment to see a therapist... that is still iffy... i hate therapy like nobody's business but well I gotta do it. I need to get over the bad experiences I have had and accept it for what it is. Wish me luck in this new endeavor.

River likes me more when I am on the pretty blue pills... Maybe others will like me on the pretty blue pills. I am not ashamed of having depression. My mother is ashamed... she is ashamed to have a daughter that spent two weeks in a mental ward... she is ashamed that she is the reason for most of my depression. I am ashamed that she is my mother most of the time... how awful is that to say? It is, I know it, I don't sugar-coat my disdain for her. It rips me to pieces that I do not have a mother and my two favorite people in the world have awesome moms. It is the hardest thing to be around sometimes... sometimes I wonder why I do not have more emotionally crippled people in my life. Surprises me that my fiance and my best friend have pretty fabulous lives and families. And then there is little old broken me in the corner. Sigh. But I deal with it... I have overcome many things and I am stronger in ways that others will never be. Depression is real and it affects many, many people. I would rather get help and recognize it for what it is now than to be put back in an institution. I am open about it, about the cutting and about most everything else. Go ahead and ask, I will tell you.

Now I must run from one job to the other... more later.

So many things

2008-08-23T11:55:00.001-04:00

running through my head... but fucking aye am i tired. i was at work til almost midnight last night and was sitting at this desk at 8:45 am. you would think that would mean i had some sleep but no. by the time i got home and showered restaurant stink off of me it was 1am and we know how well i sleep! i cannot wait to go home and nap...

Half Empty

2008-08-19T10:08:00.002-04:00

You know a good way to get yourself hurt? Tell a pessimist-borderline cynic to think happy thoughts. Now I have heard this a few times in the last few days... we don't think happy thoughts. I definitely don't think happy thoughts when I realize that my friends, who never stood up for me once or said anything to stupid people when they were being nasty, are now being friendly to the biggest drama queen I have ever met. Be friends, I can't tell you who to be friends with but you know what... if you choose to be friends with someone like that then I really don't know if I want to be friends with you anymore. Maybe it's just cause I'm trying to cut said person completely out of my life and will do so if it means extremes. I'm just rethinking friendships cus I'm tired of being the only one that opens my mouth when someone crosses the line or does something completely wrong. I don't sit back and let people walk all over me... sadly my friends do. So maybe I should just keep to myself and defending myself. Never rely on anyone else... and people wonder why I put up this brick wall of defense and don't let anyone get to know me.

Or maybe I just really do fucking hate people. Or maybe I am just in so much fucking pain right now that it makes me crazy. Depo-Provera has messed my body up. Even though I enjoy never having my monthly female visit, 19 months is excessive... cus right now I want to crawl into bed and not come out forever. I guess it is good that my body is regulating and finally getting the hormones out of my system but damnet this pain is insane. I have been popping pain pills like nobody's business the past few days... but not many people know what endometriosis can feel like. Hopefully things get normal, though normal is pain with this problem. Who knows? Maybe the doc will have something to help.

I have been very quiet the past few days... And I think it will continue. What's the point of talking when no one listens anyways? My g*d, I am a Debbie Downer LOL. O well shit happens.

So...

2008-08-18T00:16:00.002-04:00

I wish that I had a friend who would defend me to the ends of the Earth is someone talked smack about me or to me... that would defend me when someone said something untrue and unfounded about me... or if someone said something that they didn't agree with about me.

I do not have said friend. I need said friend. Until then, I am done defending, sticking up for or watching out for anyone else. I am an island unto myself.

oooo

2008-08-14T11:53:00.003-04:00

I wish my life was more fun lol. Cassie came home last night... thank something. That was a ton of fun going to JFK at midnight. I wish I had brought my camera through the city those would have been awesome pics. Developed 332 pictures from California and various get togethers over the last year yesterday. Some of the pictures made me super sad cus for all the bullshit there are days when I miss some people. Those pictures were fun and made me remember some crazy stuff. Sigh.
Time for some iced coffee... yummy.

Pretty good stuff: I'm told you have to watch it at 3 times to really get the genius but I dig it at 2.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbRom1Rz8OA

Angry Sigh

2008-08-13T13:02:00.003-04:00

I do believe I will commit puppycide by week's end. He is teething... his puppy teeth are falling out and he is destroying everything. EVERYTHING. Today he ate my birthday presents from River. Then again if the one thing I wanted had been framed like I asked then it wouldn't be eaten. But some things are just too fucking difficult to ask for. I'm so angry right now I can't even think.

I know that there are people coming on here cus I see the number go up and I know that someone goes on here like 5 times a day. Leave a comment and some love. Cus it's just stalking and weird otherwise.

Just cause

2008-08-11T17:26:00.002-04:00

This has caused me hours of enjoyment and laughter since I saw it last week... Thank you Sam. And I am glad someone else takes issue with his voice... omg funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2yv8aT0UFc

hmmmm...

2008-08-11T17:07:00.003-04:00

I would like to be able to say what a week... but I work 7 days a week so... on September 13th I will say what a month. Planning a weekend retreat for some fun... and maybe some wedding planning??? But who knows really.

Thinking of wedding stuff... I am glad that people in my life reared their ugly heads , not just recently but over the years lol, cus that takes people off my invite list. Thank something. I can deal with a smaller group of friends... cus if we have a wedding at some point (not looking likely, the way River and I lollygag lol) then I want to surrounded by people that love us and have a good time. And none of these people fit those qualifications.

Really need to find a place to live... really need to save some money so when the house is bought we can get a move on... man I want to move to California. Sigh.

Let's go Michael Phelps... let's go Phelps without a shirt on... lol

this is amazing

2008-08-08T11:54:00.001-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adYbFQFXG0U

I can't make it embed...

a few things

2008-08-08T10:04:00.002-04:00

So some of these came up at work or are inspired by work...

Have you ever wanted to run away and start over somewhere else? O boy have I. At least 3 times a week I wish I could get up, leave everything behind and start a new life. Would you reinvent yourself or be who you are now in a new place? Buddy, here comes someone new and exciting. But then again, that's a lot of work and who knows if I could do that for a long time.
Now it's your turn...

Now here is a gripe. I work in a doctor's office which is not super busy but my job entails a lot of detail and attention to small things. If things go in on the wrong date and things do not match records we could be accused of insurance fraud. Things we do not want to happen in a doctor's office. Can I tell you how fucking annoying it is to come back to the office and have everything gone to shit. We have another assistant in the office and I'm pretty sure she checked out sometime last month. Seriously, if you do not want to do the job then don't bullshit people. I am tired of doing my job and cleaning up after you. I am tired of the extra headache. Why is it so hard to find someone that really wants a job?? And on top of it we knew this was her last month but this week she says I'm leaving next week. Have we forgotten the politeness of 2 weeks? I understand that you do not have to give it .... but seriously don't ask for a referral that's for sure. Anger.

Insomnia last night was evil. I slept from 12 to 1:30 and that was it. Trooper is in a lot of pain from his routine teeth cleaning that turned into a biopsy. Poor doodle his mouth hurts and he refuses to take his painkillers... I will find a way. I can't stand that he is in so much pain... moaned all night and wanted to go outside frequently. But he will be fine... my poor poochie... i cannot wait to go home at noon and pass out.

"These cuts run deep, these scars are permanent and always on display"
This is the quote I have decided on to go with my Alkaline Trio tattoo... cus I need one. And bad. Still so angry about Cali.

Jersey

2008-08-06T11:04:00.003-04:00

Been back in Jersey for 2 whole days now and I despise it. LOL. Have you ever noticed how gray Jersey is? Like all the colors have been dulled and washed out. So noticeable when you come back from a place as bright and vibrant as California... and Hawaii. Went back to work on Monday, a few hours after landing, and it has been a busy mess. Many hours spent putting things back together again.

Our dogs were super excited to see us... they make my world so much happier. Max, the puppy, is HUGE. They finally figured out what was wrong with his little tummy that was preventing him from gaining weight and growing properly. They gave us some medicine before we left and thankfully our puppysitters took care of that and made sure he got it. He has gained a ton of weight in the last 2 weeks and is even taller. Still a gaingly little fucker and now loves to bark. And he has learned he is big enough to jump on things now so is having a ton of fun doing that. I believe he is pretty much housebroken and has learned the sit command to almost perfection. Still has WAY TOO much energy though. Got to find an outlet for that puppy energy. Hello long walks!

Insomnia has returned. Jersey apparently equals insomnia. Jersey equals stress that is for fuck sure. There are moments were I really feel I need an outlet cus when I get worked up I want to hurt someone... well I have 2 people in mind and what I would give to beat on them a little, but that is not constructive. My hatred runs deep people. I need to get some sleep... I need to unpack... I need to head to the gym.

www.hereliesboots.com Amazing glass necklaces. Wearing one as I write this. Coolest thing to come home with me from Oceanside. I shall be purchasing more in the coming weeks.

I really write about nothing interesting huh? Well I will link my photos when I finally get them uploaded. There are so many!

Coming to a close

2008-08-04T22:04:00.001-04:00

We are currently sitting at the Atlanta, Georgia Airport. Our flight leaves for Jersey in a little under 2 hours. Can we talk about how much I have no desire to go home after spending 10 fabulous, sunny, non-humid, ocean-filled and stress-free days in California? We did not spend much time in San Diego… besides walking around the Gaslamp Quarter for hours on end the first day, walking around Comic-Con for a few hours the second day, picking Bryan and River up the third day from Comic-Con after their epic fail and then driving down to the beach and taking the wrong road a few days ago. But Balboa Park was very cool, the few parts we saw at least. We went to LA on Friday… confusing large city when all you have is part of a day and don’t know where anything is. Thank something for GPS and Yahoo on my Crackberry… we found many cool places. Grauman’s Chinese Theater was wicked fun. All the crazy people dressed up like different characters was interesting to see… especially fat Spiderman. The stars on the walk of fame really did not do anything for me, but the hands and feet in cement were exciting. I loved finding John Wayne, Greta Garbo and JUDY GARLAND! I am a huge Wizard of Oz freak and that was just fanfreakingtastic. I took tons of pictures of all these cement blocks. We saw the Hollywood sign, the Capitol Building, the Whiskey Bar, the Roxy, High Voltage Tattoo (LA Ink to all those that have no idea), Mel’s Drive-In (yeah American Graffiti) and Epitaph Records… even if it was nothing more than a non-descript building. I knew what it was and that was more than enough for me.

Saturday was filled with the Pacific Ocean and wandering around Oceanside some more. We did a ton of walking during vacation and it was too beautiful to take a car everywhere. Hung out with Jhery most of the afternoon and evening. I like that River can pick up with these friends that he has had for years after not seeing each other for ages and it is like no time has passed. Sunday was more of the same… very lazy… went to a delicious pizza place, watched a movie with Jhery, packed, napped while the boys played with computer programs, picked up some more souvenirs and then hit the road for the airport. I can not talk enough about how much I enjoy driving down these huge highways in California doing 85+ mph. I love to drive fast and that just rocks. Sadly, being at the airport was wicked depressing (sometimes you would think I was from Boston, with my overuse of the word wicked). I am in love with California, absolutely in love. The few parts that I saw were fantastic. Even the panic attack that came along with being back in a huge city (LA) was worth it all.

Overall, this vacation was perfect. Okay nothing is perfect and there are a few regrets: 1. we did not go to Mexico… it was not even 40 minutes away and we did not go 2. The tattoo… right now I cannot even think about it without wanting to put my fist through a wall 3. And not going to the Ocean EVERYDAY. And not a regret, but had I known about this contact photodermatitis, I would not have had to go to the freaking doctor and get medicine for my freaking skin. And now I am peeling. I can tan though… my feet look hysterical. Sadly I can not use sunscreen and go in the sun… and being in the sun for too long is just way too risky LOL. Once again, at least when I am 50 I will look super young. We had a great time… River got to do Comic-Con and had the flu (figures) and I broke out and shared his flu… but holy Christmas I would do it again in a heartbeat. Live and Learn. 10 days away from the 50+ hour/7 day work week, from the bullshit, from family, from stress, etc is amazing for the soul. The only thing I missed was the puppies, they were well taken care of but man did I miss those bitches. In 4 hours, I will love all over them.

I need a freaking nap… Airtran Airways sucks. These planes are awful… like a sardine can. A person can not sleep and being on the redeye and not sleeping is painful. I cannot wait for work to be over today so I can shower, throw on pajamas and go to bed with River and my dogs. Ooooo an hour left til the plane boards. I am writing this sitting in front of the window where the plane is, so this will be posted in a few hours. Sigh… I miss California. I do not miss New Jersey humidity… or any humidity for that matter. I left my heart in Cali.

EARTHQUAKE

2008-07-29T17:07:00.002-04:00

There was an earthquake today... felt nothing. Good thing we didn't go to LA yesterday we would have most certainly felt it. Some people down here did but I guess we were not close enough to anything for it to affect us.

My skin looks much better today... I feel like a greased pig in all my medicine. But it dries and my skin is getting all pasty again. YAY!!!!

Went to the ocean today. It was fun. The sky is overcast, so it made being outside easier. Played in the waves for awhile now it's time to go find more fun indoor activities. Yesterday I was concerned about the possibility of moving out here but now I think it could be manageable. O fun days...

update

2008-07-28T19:44:00.002-04:00

so I woke up today and my skin hurt more and the rash had spread. Had to call the dermatologist who made me go to one out here... I am officially allergic to the sun. Finally it has been confirmed... more later.

Sunday Evening... at least where I am

2008-07-28T00:44:00.002-04:00

Back home it has been Monday for 45 minutes. My god do I love California. We have been staying in Oceanside since Wednesday, public transportationing (yeah it's not a real word) it all over. We have a rental car now but for most things it's just easier to take the Coaster and trolley to places. Comic - Con, the one day that we cheated the system and snuck me in was CRAZY. Sadly, I was wicked sick from eating something the night before and was not much fun in any way. The boys called it quits to be nice to me and they went all day Saturday to make up for it. Now River is wicked sick with some kind of flu like thing. Poor baby all sickie on vacation but getting better. We have been making him curl up in a comforter and sweat. My skin broke out... I'm guessing from a combination of sunscreen/sun and chlorine. Hopefully it will stop because my psoriasis freaks me out. And it has made my face more red than it should be.

Jhery, our gracious and fantastic host for most of vacation, took me around Oceanside yesterday. Out to the jetty and a few other spots... effing gorgeous. Driving on the highways is fun... gas is expensive but doing 90 is exciting. Especially when getting pulled over isn't really something to be worried about. I wish that Sam were still here... it would have been cool to see him. I miss him...

Tomorrow we drive up to Los Angeles for a couple of days before Bryan has to head home. Then I think we will go up to Costa Mesa on Thursday (maybe a tattoo shall be placed upon my skin) before we return to Los Angeles to see my love Britt. Then finish it up back in Oceanside so River can spend some remaining time with Jhery... since they see each other like once a year.

There is not much keeping me from packing up and moving out here... Not much at all. That would probably make many people happy if they knew I was moving out of Jersey, but no one will be happier than me. I think I shall start the Cali fund... or maybe I will just entitle it the "get out of Jersey fund" on a big water container and throw change and money into it.

The weather has been a constant 70 some odd degrees, slightly cloudy which eventually burns up with a slight breeze. AMAZING in other words. The colors are so bright and the water is so blue and pretty. I am going to the ocean soon... It is 10 here now... I am going to go read and hang out with the guys.

Leave me some love!

A few thoughts

2008-07-22T08:09:00.002-04:00

So... The Dark Knight was even better the second time. This is a record for me... I do not like going to the movies, twice in one weekend is quite amazing. But shat the movie is so good... I want to see it again. Matinee anyone? I keep hearing a lot of crap about how the movie is only good cus of Heath Ledger and it wouldn't be so popular if he was alive but no siree bob... this movie was fantastic no matter what. It would be a wonderful thing if Heath Ledger was here to see what he has done for Batman fans, but in no way is the popularity of this movie based on his death. However, as morbid as this sounds, Heath went out on top. If you are going to die, his Joker and this movie are the best last testament to what that man could do as an actor.

You know what else I'm tired of, listening to people be ignorant about Brokeback Mountain. Chris Nolan hand-picked Heath Ledger because of his role in that movie. I'm tired of guys being all homophobic over that movie and making comments especially when they haven't seen the movie. They have this belief that the movie is full of gratuitous guy on guy sex scenes. Well darlings, get your heads out of you asses and watch the movie. For it is not full of these scenes you have playing in your head. That movie was great as well, Heath and Jake took on bold roles and I don't care what anyone says, I believe taking chances like that just adds to your diversity as an actor. And to all you guys that want to make fun and continue to be ignorant maybe you should check yourself out too. Why are you so threatened by a role like that, or a movie for that matter? Maybe all that boasting about the women in your bed is really a mask for something deep down that you are scared to explore.

Moving on.... at this time tomorrow I will be on a plane headed for California. Packing is a crazy thing. I think I am covered for all eventualities. 4 am cannot come fast enough. The only thing I shall miss are my dogs... I wish I could take them with me. I am trying not to think of the bills or coming back to work, yet I like my jobs so I am sad I won't see these people for 2 weeks. But Hello Vacation!!!

I have been mulling things over... with the passing of my Uncle Andy and learning that my Uncle Bill is not expected to see the end of the summer, death seems to be at the doorstop in my family. It is painful and humbling. Yes, they are older and have lived many good years but still, death is death. And it makes me worry about my grandfather who, though I would like him to live forever, I understand that he will not. He is 88 years old and I hope he will be around for many more years. What a depressing topic.

Back to my last day of work... so much to do today to make sure we are set to leave!!!! Man I'm excited. I need this vacation.

Exhausted

2008-07-18T08:31:00.002-04:00

and it is totally worth it. Went to The Dark Knight last night at 12:01. Got to the theater around 9:30 which landed us the 8th and 9th position on line. Which also landed us seats right behind the rail in the center. Prime spots for viewing. I have never heard so much clapping and cheering as a movie came on. I have never heard so much clapping as when the movie ended. I am in love with Heath Ledger, more than ever. Can I tell you that his performance was FUCKING AMAZING? If he does not win an Oscar for his portrayal of a psychopathic killer then there is something wrong with people. Yeah I'm gonna say it... Jack Nicholson who? Heath Ledger is the Joker the way I think the Joker is meant to be played. I still love Jack and his Joker was what that movie called for but Chris Nolan has blown the concept of Batman out of the water. I feel bad for anyone that even tries to attempt to make another one at some point. And I am dying inside that we will never see the Joker again in these movies... there is no one that could replace what Heath Ledger did in that film and I shudder at the mere idea of trying. The Joker/Batman dynamic in this movie is just... I can't believe we won't get to see that play out more. The entire movie I laughed and enjoyed all the performances but fucking aye if I did not get a little emotional and teary-eyed watching him.

That was the movie of the summer... that was the movie of the year... top it. I don't see it happening. Good luck to Chris Nolan if he goes on to make a 3rd because I will be there once again but I have no idea how you will make it any better than the one I saw just 5 hours ago. Effing aye I need some sleep. The only thing that annoyed me in this movie was Christian Bale's Batman voice... but I have issues with the voices that he picks up for a few of his movies (American Psycho). Can't wait to go see the movie in IMAX! I take my hat off to you Dark Knight creators... thank you for an amazing 2.5 hours.

Now I take my leave of you. I have more ramblings for later but right now I do not have the brain function to make it through.

Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness

2008-07-17T11:44:00.002-04:00

Thank you Billy Corgan for that.

I do not know why today I feel so sad. Maybe it is because my Uncle Andy was buried today and I did not attend. I love you Uncle Andy and wish I had made it but it was not in the cards. I don't think I could have handled it in the least. Especially without River.

I wish I understood what brings on these bouts. It can't be seasonal disorder, even though I am worse in the winter but I just get these too often for it to be that. The sun is shining, the day is very warm and yet I still feel sad. I guess shit happens LOL.

The job thing has become very interesting with no clear cut definition or offer on the table. We shall see what happens in the coming days.

6 days to vacation. O thank something. I need this... bad. I need to escape from all the bullshit and drama of my life and forget it all for 10 whole days! I really need to start figuring out what I need before then. Hmmmm....

This was a random and boring blog. Took a spin class yesterday... it hurts to walk today. LOLOL

I got me some plans....

2008-07-15T08:42:00.002-04:00

Where to begin? I have hopes and dreams like everyone else. I have a wide variety of interests. I am 26 yet more confused about my future than ever. I am scared of the piling debt that is accumulating. I am excited to go on vacation but frightened of more debt. I am a college graduate with a BA in American Studies and a minor in English... yeah I know why don't I be a teacher? Cus I don't want to be one. I think that is the simplest answer. I am not interested in any sort of way... I have never received that calling. I do believe I want to attend the Gallatin School at NYU in the future... I am impressed with their program and I would like to continue to learn. I enjoy American Studies but I don't know what I want to do with it.

Today I have the opportunity to sit down with one of my employers and talk about a better job position. I must stand strong and lay down what I want and stick to my guns. I need to be making so much a week and it needs to happen. I have bills to pay. Today I will also be having a six month review at my other job which could potentially lead to another raise which would be nice. So the job part of my life seems secure *knock on wood*. It would be nice to make enough to cover all the bills for the month and have his job pay for the extras every month. Yet when we get back from Cali he will be looking for a much better position than his current one. So either way I would like my job to cover the majority of the bills and have plenty left over for a cushion. It would be nice to put some money away again.

Yesterday was our 5 year anniversary. Which leaves me wondering what the next year will bring. What do I want from this year... in my love life and personally?

Short term goals off the top of my head:

* have a concrete income (it looks like soon I will be working 60+ hours a week, which in the grand scheme of things I will have to do because I have some serious debt, but it will lead to money)

* start looking and find an apartment that will take my doodles (I will not give them up for anything)

General goals:

* Get my ass to the gym that I pay an arm and a leg for. Can't lose weight if I do not make an active attempt.

* Pay off the credit cards because the school debt will be there for a LONG time.

* Make a decision on school.

* Get the experience I can at the restaurant so if I decide to move to Cali I have something else under my belt.

* Phase meat out of my diet. I really want to go vegetarian and must make a real change.

* Learn to breathe... I am stressed. I need to learn to go with the punches and take everything in stride. I fly off the handle way too easily.

* Begin the wedding process or decide if that is not going to happen.

* Be more diligent about my writing.

* Less TV, more books...

Right now this is all I can think about. I know most of them are useless and small and not really life changing. But right now I don't need anything life changing. I just need to better myself and stop being so fucking confused about everything. It would be nice to even out my moods without the help of drugs but there are so many days that I believe that some pretty blue pills would be ideal.
I thank something every day for my friends. Without them I would be a mess. That is the only scary part of moving to California... I would miss my friends way too much and the NYC skyline. But I will not miss these extreme seasons. That is for sure. Ok this blog has been an all day process so I am going to shower and sleep. WOOO!

To Write Love On Her Arms

2008-07-12T11:32:00.001-04:00

Is a fantastic organization that I came upon when I went to the Anberlin/Bayside show last year. I understand the need for all these organizations for the homeless, for alcoholism, for drug abuse but none of them ever really spoke to me in any sort of way. Thankfully I have never had to deal with those demons. And many people do not seem to understand that cutting is for real. It is a battle that I deal with daily. It has been 5 years and a handful of months since I last ran a piece of jagged glass through my skin. Yet I fight everyday not to do it again. Not cutting oneself when the need is crushing down on you is a feat in itself. I always get the cutting is useless... it doesn't do anything... it's so stupid why would anyone do that. Why would anyone suck white powder up their nose... Why would someone drink themselves into oblivion... Why would someone beat the shit out of someone else???? These are questions that seem to be on par with why would you cut yourself? Why do we do it... because this is the way we have learned to deal with our problems. For me it has always been easier than talking to someone. Many years of therapy and psychiatrist trips that never worked out.

I miss that piece of glass so much... I liked glass more than a razor cus it was not as neat. Razors come in handy when you have nothing else but glass was what did it for me. This emotion, this anger, this pain gets built up in my chest and spreads to my blood and I just feel it boiling for release. Thankfully these days I just breathe and not speak for awhile and it eventually goes away. Last night was just unhappy and the hardest night I have had in a long time. I got through it... the tension is still in me but I am fighting. A couple months ago a woman came into the office and the first thing I noticed were the cuts on her arms... the doctor I work for thought she had been in an accident. I knew those cuts... mine are not as bad or obvious but I knew. In the doc's own words she "had never been exposed to something like that before." I laughed. I don't remember what started me cutting, I know it had to do with my mom and most of the time after I speak with her even to this day I still want to. But that piece of glass was sitting there and it went into my arm and carved out "I hate life" which I still have on my arm today. LOL teenage angst before teenage angst was cool.
I am proud of myself. Today I am proud of myself. I made it through a rough night that has been building up for many weeks now, but I made it through the night and the day dawned brighter. May be corny and laugh all you want but you will never know this struggle if you do not have a vice like this. I understand what recovering addicts go through... definitely not in the same manner or intensity but I understand the withdrawal and the fight to stay away from it. Enough for now...

Musings on my 26th Birthday

2008-07-11T10:58:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I turned 26. Will this be the year that I make my own? Will I make this THE year? Do I have that kind of ambition and determination? I would like to think so but who the hell knows. It was a good freaking birthday. Maybe cus we did not try to plan anything for real and that helped. Yet I spend most of my time with one central group of people and can I tell you that only 1 of them wished me a happy birthday. Only one. Maybe I should not feel so bad but I do. I make sure that we all do things together and for everyone's birthday and then no one can even text message me 13 letters of well wishing. That bothers me... many things bother me these days. How I got thrown under the fucking bus and no one came to my defense... that bothers me. I am pretty tired of making myself so available for attack. Then again, my mouth has a mind of its own and I apparently do not know how to think before I speak. Whatever... I will just have to deal.